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Difine suicidal? And if you have a problem?


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I would love to make my world end, but the only thing holding me back is my mother, she is my best friend and could never do that to her. Both her parents and her niece (god daughter) just died in the last three months. And she is planning on leaving my dad.

I can't hurt her, she needs me so much, to loose me would destroy her.

But i am battling, night terrors, depression, anxiety ++++ and so forth

I'm tired of it all.

Lonely - live alone, family is 8 hours away.

i don't know

xox

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I'd love to know what to say when my docs ask, "Are you feeling suicidal?" I have 2 kids and a husband who need me. If they weren't here, I don't think I would be either. I know i wouldn't. They are the only reason I'm still here.

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I'm jealous of your relationship with your mom, i will NEVER be able to have a normal or healthy one with mine...

I'm sorry you're battling all that stuff. I battle it, too. To answer your question, I'm passively suicidal, but not actively. I don't know what's to keep me from being active...maybe my younger cousins. My aunt told me that my cousins think that I am the world, and that they will repeat anything I do or say because they love me (it made me cry!) so, maybe I'm living for them...I don't have much else to live for expect for them..It may be really pathetic, but it's true.

but even with knowing that, i'm still passively suicidal.

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I'm sorry you're battling all that stuff. I battle it, too. To answer your question, I'm passively suicidal, but not actively. I don't know what's to keep me from being active...maybe my younger cousins. My aunt told me that my cousins think that I am the world, and that they will repeat anything I do or say because they love me (it made me cry!) so, maybe I'm living for them...I don't have much else to live for expect for them..It may be really pathetic, but it's true.

I understand this completely. I know this sounds terrible, but i hope my mum dies first so that i don't have to feel guilty about killing myself. - can't believe i sad that.

Its just that i have never been able to conceptualized my life, living older then 30. Feel like I might live my life like an absolute hurricane only to come to a grounding Holt in my later 20's.

life has just become so tiring...........

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Before my son stuck a shot gun in his mouth and blew his brains at the age of 16 I myself was totally preoccupied with suicide to the point that I awoke in the morning kicking the chair from underneath me and feeling the tension of the rope but after he did what he did and I despise him so to the point of hate anyway it was my turn after him because it gutted me he was my everything and I so loved him well I sat around the house with my shot gun like his and I soon figured out either he was sicker than me or I just don't have the balls to do it and as you can see I didn't I just worked and worked and pumped antidepressants in my system along with ativan and my usual cocktail and within the last few years I forgive him and what was weird was after forgiving him I've tried myself but it was a blundering failure and that got me thinking that if I was to try and fail and really fuck my fool self up and was paralyzed or something like that and really couldn't kill myself that would really be fucked up forever

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I'd love to know what to say when my docs ask, "Are you feeling suicidal?"

I have two answers to that question, when he asks: "Not right now" or "No more so than usual." Everybody hates "No more so than usual," but they know what I mean, because I've explained that I spend a lot of time wishing I was dead (or better yet, never born in the first place), but that doesn't mean I have any immediate plans to kill myself.

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I have wanted to die during depressions, but rarely wanted to make myself die, if you know what I mean. If I went to sleep and never woke up, that would have been totally fine with me.

But I have only been actively suicidal, where I had plans, once. I told my p-doc about that (and he handled it terribly). I no longer mention when I wish I would die (except when listing symptoms for a med tweak), because I know it is a passive wish, not something I am going to act on.

This is all when I had constant depressive episodes, I haven't had one for over 12 years (wow, that is actually the first time I put a number to it!). Right now, I think I prefer depression to mixed states, but it has been so long, maybe I wouldn't think that if I got depressed again.

I don't ever want that to happen again, but I find mixed states much more unpleasant. I endanger myself constantly, so even though I am not suicidal at all, I am much more likely to kill myself accidentally.

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Like crtclms, I'm much more danger to myself in a mixed state, because I will get all stupid about my medications and doing things like driving after taking too many.

I also had a SI incident that my pdoc's office turned into a a "BIG DEAL" and had the police and ambulance show up at my daughter's school, handcuff me in front of everyone getting out of school, and hauling me away from my daughter. I really learned something from that - SI is not the way out of my problems and can be a major issue I never want to deal with again.

I was only actively suicidal once, and I believe it was due to the Effexor I was taking. I literally laid down crying in the middle of my living room floor and asked my children to come and say goodbye to me. But I had a different pdoc then, and had the rationale to call him up and get things changed so I felt better.

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I have been actively suicidal exactly once in my life... recently (thanks zoloft!) to the point of making plans, digging out passport to go to mexico, writing note, and figuring out the most efficient way to off myself (massive doses of meds then plastic bag over head to make sure it worked) then eaten by coyotes to ensure the family got my life insurance.... etc.

Fortunately, i had the presence of mind to confess and get Mr. A to lock up my meds and do a med box for awhile.... i kind of shudder to think what would have happened had i followed through on this plan, since my ex is currently self destructing and now we're trying to get his parental rights terminated.

I've been there in the place where logic makes no sense, and it sucks. passive death wish, eh, no big deal. but actively suicidal, no fucking thank you. no more ssri's for me EVER. it was a nasty, strong, impulsive but well thought out suicidal plan

it does sound like med tweakage is in order. When I'm "myself" I really quite enjoy life and all it entails. And I mean, yeah, sometimes things suck, but I'm still, you know, basically happy.

hope it gets better. Living for someone else is not a long term solution.

Anna

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