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I realize this is a lot to read, but if you are reading this post,

please take the time to read all of it. Thank you.

I've always wondered what was 'real' or 'normal'.

I'm currently 21 right now, and in my late teens, I started

to become paranoid about peoples' intentions and motives.

I always thought everyone had an alterior motive to everything

and that they were all talking about me behind my back. I

blamed this phenomenon on trauma from my parents' divorce

and the fact that they would talk me into saying something that would

hurt the other parent (a secret-type statement) and promise not

to tell them, but would end up telling them anyway. I started to just

keep my mouth shut.

Now that I'm a bit older, my thoughts and beliefs have evolved into

something worse and it is not getting any better. The funny thing is

is that the more I become a slave to these beliefs, the more they are

becoming real to me. But in the back of my mind, I question these beliefs

because in the beginning, I knew the fine line between reality and delusions.

Sometimes I wonder if everything in my past was all a delusion and if

I'm just in a dream right now. I feel like I should wake up into the real world,

like in The Matrix. I get very anxious about this at times, as I feel like I am

being watched in the other world and cannot do anything about it.

I guess I feel like I'm rambling at this point, so I'll just make a list of my issues...

- people put their blood in my food to poison me

- people are judging me, talking about me, watching me

- there is a dark presence behind me at times

- I always turn everything around to where it becomes something aim

at hurting me (ie. if someone asks me to go out with them, I would take it

offensively as them only wanting to use me for a ride or money)

- cameras are monitoring me

- saying anything pertaining to the government will get me hurt or killed

- my pdoc is in a conspiracy to control me through the meds

- my neighbor just started working with me at the same job,

and I'm afraid of her befriending me so I am mean and avoidant of her,

I'm afraid of her because she'll tell others where I live and they'll come and

murder me at my home...

There is more, but that is just an idea. Could these be real? I feel like it is...

I feel like everyone is out to get me or murder me...

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Guest Vapourware

To give you the short and sweet answer - no, your beliefs are not real. You don't have evidence to prove all those nefarious plots against you. Lots of them are assumptions about people's intentions, and IMO, I would say you are in the throes of a delusional episode.

To give you some perspective - people talk about the government all the time. There are various political groups out there with political rallies. They happen ALL the time. None of these people are killed or hurt afterwards. The USA is not a dictatorial regime.

You are not important enough - I'm sorry to say - for people to be watching you all the time. Most people are focused on themselves or on their friends/partners/family to give a fuck about a stranger walking in their vicinity. Neither are you important for people to want to murder you.

I've had a similar delusion about my pdoc trying to control me through meds, although I took it a step further and believed he was trying to kill me and was also inducing all my symptoms. It was all bullshit in the end, because there was no concrete proof for any of my beliefs.

I see in your signature that you don't have an antipsychotic. I strongly suggest that you tell the above to your doctor and ask for an antipsychotic. An AP will put these thoughts away and you can live a better life.

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As Vapourware has said, you are not important enough for people to be out after you. Why would they be concerned with you when they have lives of their own? Vapourware is right that you need concrete reasons for your belief. If you can't come up with real, verifiable concrete proof then you are probably in the midst of a delusion.

You should tell your pdoc all what you have written here. Print out the post and take it to him if you can't remember it all. Consider taking an antipsychotic. You will feel much better and much less afraid.

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Mochi,

Your Major Depressive Disorder has you experiencing the Psychotic Features. This is part of your illness. I agree that printing out what you wrote and taking it to your psychiatrist is a really good idea. With the right medicine, you'll feel a lot better.

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