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What is happening to me?


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I had a very difficult day today, and I think I developed a new symptom. I was very irritable and lashed out in anger a couple of times at some loved ones. But what was strange was that I didn't feel, I mean really feel, the anger, and it was like I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth. Because I didn't really "feel" the anger it was as if I was watching it all unfold from a spectator's position.

It's hard to describe - something set me off and it was like my body felt the anger (becoming tense, etc.) but inside my head, where my depression sits, I really didn't feel it. It was like a part of my brain was acting on it's own without consulting the other part while the other part of my brain, the "me" part, was sitting passively and watching.

I was not anxious or anything so it's not like the dream-like state I sometimes get from anxiety. But it felt so weird. I'm not an angry person. I want to have control over that other part of my brain.

Has anything like this happened to anyone else? I'm tempted to say that it falls into the depersonalization/dissociation/derealization category, but I don't know what those terms mean.

Can anyone help? It is very disquieting.

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i think i understand what you mean, i've experienced similar feelings on different occasions. i just shrugged it off as an oddity and went about my day. it might have been a dissociative episode (not that i know much about the subject), but i really doubt it. like i said its happened to me over the years but never within more than at least a few months of each other.

i really wouldn't worry about it unless it starts happening more frequently.

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I get this sometimes, luckily mostly with inanimate objects (it's so much fun when other people point out that I was swearing profusely because I didn't know) but a few times with people, people I'd never normally get annoyed at, and for saying/doing things that wouldn't normally annoy me. The worst times have been when I've lashed out physically, usually by hurling what ever is in my hands across the room, resulting in broken stuff and/or severely annoyed friends (I'm super lucky that I've never actually injured anyone). I hate all forms of violence, but as you say, it's like watching it from a spectators position. I described it to my pdoc as like looking at what's happening through a window.

In a Stephen Fry documentary about BP that I watched the other day, he told an anecdote about when he was at school and a teacher (or similar) told him how to tie his shoelaces a different way. His immediate reaction was to slap them right across the face and to this day can't figure out why he did.

Apart from the damage it can do to relationships with other people (or the cost of buying new phones, monitors, etc.), it's horrible because it feels like you're being blamed for something you didn't do even though you know that it was you, or at least something in you. Thankfully it's been quite a while since last time but I still don't know what actually causes it. All I can suggest is call your tdoc/pdoc asap to talk it through and focus on relaxing as much as possible. Don't try and force yourself to be too social if you're still feeling irritable, but obviously don't isolate yourself either.

Sylvan: yes definitely, but if jt07 is experiencing the same thing as me, it's purely reactional - there is literally no thought process behind it and even less logic.

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IDK, it sounds more to me that you let your mouth doing the talking and not your head. Sometimes you need to filter what you're saying through your brain before letting it flood out of your mouth.

I am never known to EVER let my mouth talk before I think. I mull over everything that I say to the point of being taciturn. Also, it's not like I say something and then regret it or something. It's that I see myself doing it in real time!

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IDK, it sounds more to me that you let your mouth doing the talking and not your head. Sometimes you need to filter what you're saying through your brain before letting it flood out of your mouth.

I am never known to EVER let my mouth talk before I think. I mull over everything that I say to the point of being taciturn. Also, it's not like I say something and then regret it or something. It's that I see myself doing it in real time!

From what you've described, it sounds like depression has numbed your filter and you did as Sylvan suggested. Another alternative, which seems less likely based on what you've said, is dissociation. Dissociation is the distancing from reality. It can be like watching yourself act/talk/whatever from a distance, an out of body experience in the more extreme example. Everyone dissociates to a certain degree. Spacing out while driving is a common example. Because of this more common version of it, I still tend to go with a numbed out filter based on the info you've given. In any case, a tdoc would be helpful.

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