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Depression w/ Psychotic Features. Really, doc?


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Firstly, hello.

This is my first post on these boards. I've been to a couple of others and neither of them proved to be very helpful to me.

I'm glad I found these because after reading several threads, I'm a little more hopeful that there are people here that I can connect with and relate to.

I just wanted to see what everyone has to say about my "situation".

Firstly, I started therapy in May.

I had been to one therapist before this one years ago, and I quit going after the third session because she actually said she didn't feel we were a good fit. I was half relieved because our sessions felt ridiculous and I was moving out of state anyhow. But I was also thinking, "What the fuck, lady?"

Anyway, after that, I pretty much decided therapy was a scam, and a waste of my time.

I would just have to buck up, or rot until I died.

Those became my choices.

After a particularly turbulent two years, my family expressed great concern for me, and found a new psychiatrist for me.

I agreed to go, for their sake, and because at that point I was feeling particularly passive about my own welfare, it really didn't matter to me one way or the other.

Three months later, and I'm still seeing her. I'm not sure how much it helps, but I've continued going.

The first thing she diagnosed me with was Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Then, she started talking about symptoms of PTSD.

And now, she says I also have Depression w/ Psychotic features.

I've always had trouble with depression. (Who doesn't?)

But psychotic features?

Who is she to tell me I'm psychotic?

She only made this statement after I spent an evening out with my family and got more intoxicated than I ever intended to.

(I really don't drink very often, and am usually very mindful of how much I drink when I do, because Alcoholism runs in my family.)

But that night, I was feeling particularly bored, and alone. Once I had had 3 beers, I was feeling good and decided there was no harm in having a little fun, so I kept going.

Eventually, I was comfortable enough to start speaking my mind.

I started talking to my sister about the state of the world now. And how I wished she wasn't so obsessed with money and things, because they weren't going to matter in the end.

The end. Which was coming soon, I reminded her.

I know that does sound psychotic to most people. I'm not some "crazy" conspiracy wing-nut with nothing better to do than make up stories and inflict fear on everyone around me.

But I swear I feel like I live in a world of monsters and zombies.

I made a mistake by telling her all of this when I was drunk. Because everything I said was dismissed as "drunk-talk", or "crazy".

My mom eventually told my sister to call my Psych, and she scheduled an "emergency" appointment the next day.

When I was there, my psych told me that I told her- crying through hysterical tears- that "I'm trying to tell my sister that the world is coming to an end, and she won't listen. I feel like no one understands anything I'm saying"

She expressed great concern for these words, and immediately suggested medication. I told her I was not interested in medication. She didn't push it any further, but told me we would talk more on Monday.

I also finally confessed to my mom that my dad sexually abused me when I was a kid.

(Something I've only recently realized, and had been looking for a good time to tell her.)

She believed me, to my relief.

But on the way to me appointment in the morning she asked me if I was okay and I told her I was fine.

She insisted that I'm not fine.

I don't understand most people who, by popular standards, are "normal".

Why do they only start to express concern for people and things when it starts affecting them? Or when they hear something they don't like?

I'm not God. I'm nobody. I don't know when the world will end. And the idea of it ended isn't all that alarming to me anymore. I've thought about it a lot ever since I learned in elementary school that the sun would eventually die out.

I just am greatly perturbed by the frivolity that among us, and in me.

I try very hard to live a balanced life. Equal parts fantasy and equal parts reality.

But those are two words I don't think anyone knows the meanings of.

It's measured by a yard stick that our culture has set for us.

Would I feel this way if I lived in another country with less emphasis on mind-numbing comfort and instant gratification?

I'm very confused about my place in mental illness.

I'm proud of who I am, and what I think- for the most part. I can be an emotional basket case, and at those times, I do wish for help.

But I don't see why I have to sacrifice my mind for that.

Why is it me thats wrong- and not the world I live in?

Excuse me if I sound down-right stupid, to some of you.

But truly, it causes me great rage at times, to feel like I'm the messed up one

When,- and don't get me wrong, I have plenty of "normal" friends who are kind and loving, intelligent people, but even they live in ignorance-

it's clearly the other way around.

I guess I'm just looking for any advice. First reactions, second reactions. Whatever. Does anyone else relate to this?

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"Turning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity."

The author of this clearly had psychotic tendencies...

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I'm very confused about my place in mental illness.

I'm proud of who I am, and what I think- for the most part. I can be an emotional basket case, and at those times, I do wish for help.

But I don't see why I have to sacrifice my mind for that.

Why is it me thats wrong- and not the world I live in?

Excuse me if I sound down-right stupid, to some of you.

But truly, it causes me great rage at times, to feel like I'm the messed up one

When,- and don't get me wrong, I have plenty of "normal" friends who are kind and loving, intelligent people, but even they live in ignorance-

it's clearly the other way around.

Hey, welcome to CB :)

Just a quick reply... I totally get this part... I often think this... why am *I* wrong... why am *I* the one under Mental Health when a lot of the people in my life seem to be a lot more unstable and fucked up then me? Why do I have to change what essentially makes me, ME? Like I'm not good enough, they want me to be someone else.

Yeah, you're not alone on that, and to me, you don't sound stupid at all.

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You know what was in your head that night.

Personally my opinion is if you really believe the world has zombies and monsters in it you're mistaken but you'd have to ask yourself if it impacts on anything in your life and whether taking antipsychotics will 'fix' it.

About the world ending, human selfishness stuff, it does seem like some psychs get alarmed with that kinda talk, I guess it's a fine line if you have rational or accepted arguments behind why, and it doesn't have a nutty vibe, aren't just religiously sticking to some arbitrary date of when it's all going to end for instance then I don't see the big deal.

Bottom line though, if you don't want to go down the medication path I think you may need to drop some of this thinking you do, or really keep it to yourself. Ask yourself if you've ever seen anything that would confirm your thoughts to be true, the zombies and monsters part sounds like a no brainer to me. As for the world part, yeah it's pretty shitty in a lot of ways but I guess you can either try to do something about it yourself and that might make you feel better or you can try not to dwell on it, might as well get what happiness you can out of life.

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In my experience, psychiatric diagnosing is a evolving process, meaning it can take time to settle on the correct diagnosis, "a good fit". I suppose its possible that things said may have been taken out of context and misinterpreted and maybe hasty judgments were made, I don't know. I wouldn't worry about it at this stage, pdoc still needs time to get to know you and what makes you tick, so I would let that process play out. As for therapy, I had a bad experience that made me think it was a scam too, and then I had a good experience with it that changed my whole opinion. I hope you connect with some people here.

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You know what was in your head that night.

Personally my opinion is if you really believe the world has zombies and monsters in it you're mistaken but you'd have to ask yourself if it impacts on anything in your life and whether taking antipsychotics will 'fix' it.

About the world ending, human selfishness stuff, it does seem like some psychs get alarmed with that kinda talk, I guess it's a fine line if you have rational or accepted arguments behind why, and it doesn't have a nutty vibe, aren't just religiously sticking to some arbitrary date of when it's all going to end for instance then I don't see the big deal.

Bottom line though, if you don't want to go down the medication path I think you may need to drop some of this thinking you do, or really keep it to yourself. Ask yourself if you've ever seen anything that would confirm your thoughts to be true, the zombies and monsters part sounds like a no brainer to me. As for the world part, yeah it's pretty shitty in a lot of ways but I guess you can either try to do something about it yourself and that might make you feel better or you can try not to dwell on it, might as well get what happiness you can out of life.

Silentium,

I didn't mean zombies and monsters in a literal sense. I just see people- for the most part- in those terms. Most people are either walking through life half-dead, or are the evil ones killing them off.

I guess I think in really black-and-white terms, at least at first glance. I know it's more complex than that. But all in all, it's pretty clear that if you don't fit into either of those two categories, you're going to stick out like a sore thumb, and not only will you feel like you do, people will also make sure you know you do.

And this isn't a suicide threat, but I do wonder if death is any better. Or what/if anything on the other side of it, is.

I refuse to take medication. Unless I'm having violent fantasies about causing me or anyone harm, I think that's entirely unneccessary. And I also think it's what "they" want- to konk me out so much that I just shut up already with my inconvenient ideas. No sir-y, not going down like that.

I realized by my Psych's reaction, and my family's that I really do have to keep my thoughts to myself. It really isn't safe to speak freely anymore. So yes, I agree with you on keeping my thoughts to myself.

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You know what was in your head that night.

Personally my opinion is if you really believe the world has zombies and monsters in it you're mistaken but you'd have to ask yourself if it impacts on anything in your life and whether taking antipsychotics will 'fix' it.

About the world ending, human selfishness stuff, it does seem like some psychs get alarmed with that kinda talk, I guess it's a fine line if you have rational or accepted arguments behind why, and it doesn't have a nutty vibe, aren't just religiously sticking to some arbitrary date of when it's all going to end for instance then I don't see the big deal.

Bottom line though, if you don't want to go down the medication path I think you may need to drop some of this thinking you do, or really keep it to yourself. Ask yourself if you've ever seen anything that would confirm your thoughts to be true, the zombies and monsters part sounds like a no brainer to me. As for the world part, yeah it's pretty shitty in a lot of ways but I guess you can either try to do something about it yourself and that might make you feel better or you can try not to dwell on it, might as well get what happiness you can out of life.

Silentium,

I didn't mean zombies and monsters in a literal sense. I just see people- for the most part- in those terms. Most people are either walking through life half-dead, or are the evil ones killing them off.

I guess I think in really black-and-white terms, at least at first glance. I know it's more complex than that. But all in all, it's pretty clear that if you don't fit into either of those two categories, you're going to stick out like a sore thumb, and not only will you feel like you do, people will also make sure you know you do.

And this isn't a suicide threat, but I do wonder if death is any better. Or what/if anything on the other side of it, is.

I refuse to take medication. Unless I'm having violent fantasies about causing me or anyone harm, I think that's entirely unneccessary. And I also think it's what "they" want- to konk me out so much that I just shut up already with my inconvenient ideas. No sir-y, not going down like that.

I realized by my Psych's reaction, and my family's that I really do have to keep my thoughts to myself. It really isn't safe to speak freely anymore. So yes, I agree with you on keeping my thoughts to myself.

I also want to add, in regards to

"About the world ending, human selfishness stuff, it does seem like some psychs get alarmed with that kinda talk, I guess it's a fine line if you have rational or accepted arguments behind why, and it doesn't have a nutty vibe, aren't just religiously sticking to some arbitrary date of when it's all going to end for instance then I don't see the big deal"

that I have to question why any beliefs arguments have to be accepted by anyone. What IS a "nutty vibe"? I am not a religious person, so I definitely can't identify with those that rely on The Bible for every shred of life advisement, but do I think people are entitled to say and feel what they want about it- no matter how crazy it might appear to those who are removed from those same ideas? Of course.

I just don't think medicine has any place in a persons right to ask these questions, or to intuitively feel like something big may be on it's way.

Who am I hurting by feeling this way?

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I'm very confused about my place in mental illness.

I'm proud of who I am, and what I think- for the most part. I can be an emotional basket case, and at those times, I do wish for help.

But I don't see why I have to sacrifice my mind for that.

Why is it me thats wrong- and not the world I live in?

Excuse me if I sound down-right stupid, to some of you.

But truly, it causes me great rage at times, to feel like I'm the messed up one

When,- and don't get me wrong, I have plenty of "normal" friends who are kind and loving, intelligent people, but even they live in ignorance-

it's clearly the other way around.

Hey, welcome to CB :)

Just a quick reply... I totally get this part... I often think this... why am *I* wrong... why am *I* the one under Mental Health when a lot of the people in my life seem to be a lot more unstable and fucked up then me? Why do I have to change what essentially makes me, ME? Like I'm not good enough, they want me to be someone else.

Yeah, you're not alone on that, and to me, you don't sound stupid at all.

Thanks for the warm welcome, ktb69.

: ]

Good to know someone knows what I mean!

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Welcome GSG!

You are not crazy. It is obvious that you are a philosophy student ;)

chi

Ok, so you were down in your cups. By your statement this was out of character, and consequently scared your family.

Some people get a perfect diagnose on the first visit to a pdoc. Others struggle for years to sort things out. You and your doctor are on a journey together to help you feel better and function better, using any combination of discussion, meds, talk therapy and yes, the passing of time.

I'm not going to debate reality with you. In your case, the psychiatrist decides what is normal or abnormal behavior. All he can go on is what your family says, what you say, and how you behave and appear at sessions.

We all can understand that it is upsetting to be told you may have psychosis, whether true or not. In a way, it is good that your pdoc is willing to share HIS thoughts about possible diagnoses.

Drinking too much, while not uncommon is not good even for healthy people. Your doctors suggestion for meds is not unreasonable. Many of MI folks find that we have fewer urges to drink and less need for it after getting on the mix of meds. I'm just saying that you should keep an open mind to your doctors recommendations, since that is what you are paying him for. :)

Best, a.m.

p.s. At least you know now that you will have to find someone outside the family for those deep philosophical mind exchanges.

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Wise advice. If you wish to discuss the coming Zombie Apocalypse it would be best to do so out of earshot of your family... :D

tumblr_lmfhh7YFId1qgbgm6o1_400.jpg

At least you know now that you will have to find someone outside the family for those deep philosophical mind exchanges.

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welcome, I hope you find some support here

I think you should learn something about medications but for making such an absolute, black / white decision that you refuse medication. Your therapist told you that you were crying, and talking about the world coming to an end? But you don't remember doing that? That is concerning.

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I can totally relate to not having a connection with doctors/therapists/etc. I walked out on my first one (probably around the 3rd session too) and it's taken a few years to realise I needed another. It's still hard but I'm starting to realise that if I want help, I have to tell people what I need help with and I have to be honest to do that (I struggle with essentially honest and totally honest). I almost walked out of my current psychologist's office when he kept pushing me on something that was painful to recall and I hated him at the time, but with hindsight I can see why he did it.

I've used the zombie analogy before as well, but my friends are a bit more accepting of that kinda thing. It's not that uncommon in certain media anyway. If you know it's an analogy, I reckon there's nothing wrong with it - it's only a way of understanding roles within our society in concepts that are easier for yourself to understand. There can be a fine line between perception and belief but really only you can make that call.

You don't sound stupid at all, just different - and that's not usually a bad thing, it just depends how you use it. I would hate to be "normal" it seems so bland! It feels like my whole life has been filled with people trying to force me into a mould that I just don't fit, and it does make it hard to talk about some things because normal people are scared by anything that isn't normal (evolution ftw) and I don't like scaring people. Keeping stuff to yourself can be good but remember that internalising too much can be just as destructive as externalising too much. Again, finding the balance is up to you. No one on here is going to think badly of you for saying what you need to, when you need to though, that's why I love it. Hope you stick around!

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Hi, welcome to CB!

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder w/ Psychotic Features, like you.

I was diagnosed a couple months ago with it after entering the mental healthcare system

due to my inability to cope with the stressors in my life right now.

I confessed feeling watched, monitored, and oppressed by everyone around me.

I'm scared of people and afraid that everyone is out to murder me.

I supposed my pdoc thinks these are merely delusions, but I feel like I'm

only seeing the truth. My reality is apparently a lie to her and everyone else.

I can related to not connecting with the people who claim to want to help you.

I really don't think my pdoc understands me and she doesn't seem to want to.

EDIT: I just re-read my post and realized it kind of ends abruptly and pointlessly.

I guess I just wanted to relay to you that there are others who can relate with you

and who are going through similar situations.

Apologies for typing or speech errors... my "psychosis" as they call it, affects my language...

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Welcome GSG!

You are not crazy. It is obvious that you are a philosophy student ;)

chi

Ok, so you were down in your cups. By your statement this was out of character, and consequently scared your family.

Some people get a perfect diagnose on the first visit to a pdoc. Others struggle for years to sort things out. You and your doctor are on a journey together to help you feel better and function better, using any combination of discussion, meds, talk therapy and yes, the passing of time.

I'm not going to debate reality with you. In your case, the psychiatrist decides what is normal or abnormal behavior. All he can go on is what your family says, what you say, and how you behave and appear at sessions.

We all can understand that it is upsetting to be told you may have psychosis, whether true or not. In a way, it is good that your pdoc is willing to share HIS thoughts about possible diagnoses.

Drinking too much, while not uncommon is not good even for healthy people. Your doctors suggestion for meds is not unreasonable. Many of MI folks find that we have fewer urges to drink and less need for it after getting on the mix of meds. I'm just saying that you should keep an open mind to your doctors recommendations, since that is what you are paying him for. :)

Best, a.m.

p.s. At least you know now that you will have to find someone outside the family for those deep philosophical mind exchanges.

Thank you for your kind welcome, AM.

I laughed when you said I was a philosophy student. I'm actually not in school at all. I dropped out of college when I was 19, and I'm now almost 23. But I catch your drift. I tend to concern myself and obsess over lofty philisophical ideas and then wonder why I don't fit in with those around me.

I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay for people to be "normal", and for me to be "different". It can be really hard to accept completely, though, when part of me just wishes I was a regular person, or when I see the negative affects of normality as it pertains to a whole culture.

Maybe I care too much for my own good. I don't see how you couldn't.

Anyway, sorry to ramble...

I saw my psych today. It went alright. I was watching her sit there, providing me with techniques and methods to put my life back together, to help me avoid feeling so conflicted and angry. And I felt bad, watching her try to fix me up. The only thing wrong with me is that I don't belong anywhere. What can she possibly do about that? What can I do about that- without becoming someone else?

I remain skeptical of medication and I'm really not sure about therapy anymore, at least not talk-therapy. I'm trying to figure out what would help. And I keep arriving at the same answer: nothing.

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Honestly, this whole rambly thread reminds me of myself before I got diagnosed after the 'big one". really. Getting drunk and having lofty opinions on life the universe, and everything, and thinking abnormal and different was better.... sigh.

You will do what you will do.

that said, if you aren't up for meds or therapy, what are you seeing a pdoc for? What are you doing posting on here? Go join a commune until you are ready or whatnot.

Anna

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Honestly, this whole rambly thread reminds me of myself before I got diagnosed after the 'big one". really. Getting drunk and having lofty opinions on life the universe, and everything, and thinking abnormal and different was better.... sigh.

You will do what you will do.

that said, if you aren't up for meds or therapy, what are you seeing a pdoc for? What are you doing posting on here? Go join a commune until you are ready or whatnot.

Anna

Anna,

I am posting here because I'm rather confused. Looking for reasons, maybe reassurance, as to why I AM seeing a pdoc. My family urged me to, and I did because I knew it would ease some of their worries- and I did start to question my own sanity, as a result of their intense worrying. I had always had a good relationship with them, and it's rapidly disintegrated over the last few years, as I'm becoming an adult, making my own choices, and struggling to figure out who I want to be and if there's anything "wrong" with it.

I can tell by your tone that you find me to be incessantly whiney and quite a bit clueless. You say I remind you a lot of yourself before you were diagnosed with, as you said, "the big one."

"You will do what you will do"

"What are you doing even posting here?"

"Go join a commune"

???

Are these things you would have said to your pre-diagnosed self? I'm willing to bet your pre-diagnosed self would have found them to be really un-helpful.

I didn't mean to cause any confrontation on here... sorry this has become a "rambley" thread... I was under the impression that's what this place was for. It isn't as if we're off-topic.

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If you truly don't think therapy can help, then honestly, my recommendation is to stop therapy, for the benefit of both your therapist and yourself. Don't waste time if you're not open to the possibility.

I'm afraid to submit myself to the judgement and care of someone else. Even if they are a professional. In a way, it's like brain-washing. That freaks me out.

So, I don't know.

You do have a point.

It's the being open to the possibility part that I'm struggling with. I'm afraid that in my vulnerable state, my doctor will just reconstruct my entire brain so that I don't even know who I am anymore.

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I really don't see it as anything like brainwashing, because brainwashing is basically forcing you to be someone else. Therapy is guiding you to be the best YOU you can be.

I'm getting the feeling from you that you don't want to be hostile towards therapy, but you're scared. If I were you, I'd be honest about these concerns with my therapist. If saying it feels too scary, hand them an index card with what you said above on it:

I'm afraid that in my vulnerable state, my doctor will just reconstruct my entire brain so that I don't even know who I am anymore.

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