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Youve got to be willing to help yourself. As bad as things are right now, take your meds. I can assure that psychiatrists cannot control your thoughts via meds. These thoughts you are having are part of your illness. If you take the meds, they will probably become easier to deal with. The other option is going into a hospital as an in-patient, just until you are stable again. This will also involve going back on your meds.

Is it only the Saphris that you are on?

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You are saying yourself that you are feeling worse off of meds, so you know, rationally, that they help you. You have got to force yourself to take them because that's the only way you will get better and stop having all of these thoughts. As far as the hospital goes, that might be a good option for you, but they will make you take your meds. I've had to go inpatient before, and it's not that bad....no need to be afraid of it. Has your therapist given you any ideas on ways to combat these thoughts? Nobody can control you or watch you through your medications.

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This must be very frustrating. You seem to be preoccupied with your delusion, and distressed by it. Is there any way that you could distract yourself so you're not thinking so much about these fears, do something to take your mind off it, maybe do something physical so you're not spending so much time in your head, and while distracted, pop the pills into your mouth? You must take your meds, full stop.

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My therapist is amazing and has offered to even call me at 11 each night to be on the phone while I take my meds, just to make sure I'm okay. But I told her no because I didn't want to bother her.

Tell her yes. Don't worry about bothering her. Let her take care of herself. She offered and it sounds like a good idea.

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When I was having delusions about my pdoc trying to control me through my meds I told myself that I would fight the control. That they can try all they like, but I will keep in control and still spread the word that I needed to spread. I believed that the meds were there to gag me and shut me up.

I had to tell myself how much better I was doing on my meds than what I was without them, even if only with anxiety and sleep (at this time I was only able to accept that I had anxiety, and believed that my psychosis dx was another way of shutting me up and discrediting me). For me both ways were as bad as each other at the time, but I made the effort to stay in control myself until I came out the other side. That way I was able to stay on my meds.

I had to use other coping strategies also, such as telling myself that my meds helped my anxiety and helped me to sleep, or I would have been far more likely to just stop taking the meds. Even now if I have the same feeling then I tell myself that I take my meds for anxiety, but that works for me.

I don't know if any of this will help you, but I can tell you that this is just part of your illness and you do need to keep taking your meds. Nobody is trying to control you through your meds. I understand that it feels very real, because I have been there myself (even if in my case it was only briefly), but this is a delusion. Please start taking your meds again, to make these feelings go away if nothing else (or whatever you can hang on to).

I hope that you can decipher something useful out of this.

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I have no real experience with this, but I do have one suggestion: if you don't want to speak to your therapist in the evening, is there anyone at home, or any friends that you could ask to make sure that you take the meds? Maybe someone who you trust who could talk to you whilst you do it and reason with you? Just an idea to tide you over until you can go over it with your therapist.

Good luck!

N

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Guest Vapourware

It's really hard to fight the delusion, esp. when the thoughts are so strong, but the more you take the meds, the easier it will become.

The other option is to go depot injections. I don't think Saphris comes in an injection, but there's a few APs that do. That might help with your compliance issues and help you with your delusions.

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here's the thing. you, the healthy you, pay that psychiatrist to control your mind. to keep your mood up, to keep it functional. those meds are a form of mind control maybe, but it's you controlling it.

it's something you need. it's not malicious. it's helpful.

I know it's so hard, to convince yourself that some things aren't true. god damn I know that feeling.

it's the worst when it's the very things that help you, that are the center of the delusions...

sending you hugs.

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I'm sorry you are having troubles. I would really second the depot injections to control your sx if it is hard to take meds. It may still be uncomfortable, but at least you wouldn't be triggered about taking meds daily.

Many, many of the AAPs come in depot form for just this reason.

Please consider this as an option, and perhaps you need a support person with you when you decide to do the depot shots, to help you through the delusions as I am sure they may be fearful as well. But if your psychosis is controlled, over time, many of these fears may dissipate.

Anna

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My alternative explanation is this - your psychiatrist wants to help you, and that is why he/she is prescribing medication. To help, and to be caring. Doctors, generally, are an altruistic bunch and they go into the field to help people become healthy. They don't go into the field to be controlling. While many doctors do have some...er...power issues, heh, it's really more ego than a desire to control people. And I suppose rightly so. They spent a long time in school, they work long hours, and their jobs are difficult. I'd have a bit of an ego too if my life were like that.

But anyway, I've found that meds give me more control. When I first entered treatment, I was afraid medication was going to kill me. To be honest, I sometimes wonder if I will die an earlier death because of meds. The way I look at it, though, is I'll live longer with meds than without. Once I found medication that worked for me, my fears calmed down significantly. More often than not, I think rationally and I'm overall happier.

I will ask you this - let's say the psychiatrist can control you through meds. You yourself have said that medication makes you feel better. Is the trade-off worth it to you? A loss of control is a scary thing, but so is feeling symptomatic all of the time. If you can relinquish some level of control in return for staying out of the hospital, being able to socialize, being able to get up in the morning and do fun things...I mean, is the trade-off so bad?

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I just want to add something. Keep reminding yourself that you are just one of many patients your pdoc has. I seriously doubt that s/he ever thinks about you between appointments much less tries to control you. I know that my pdoc doesn't. He reads my chart in front of me at each of my appointments. I kind of feel like I'm just a number to him. So just keep reminding yourself that your pdoc doesn't really care what you are doing and that s/he is only trying to help. Also remind yourself that the pills are not all powerful that they can take you over. No medication is. You still are in control of yourself even though you take the pills.

But I know that it's hard to think that way when everything you are thinking about your pdoc feels so real. Your strategy of using a rosary and holy water is good. I think that the others have made some really good suggestions.

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Sometimes I tell myself really ridiculous things, like how he probably goes home in footy pajamas and watches CSI while eating bon-bons or something, and that the demons I'm afraid of go to Chuck E Cheese and play Mario or something. Sometimes being ridiculous like that helps.

That made me laugh out loud. Being ridiculous can be an effective strategy!

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I can't because my psychiatrist is trying to control my brain, and nobody believes me, and it makes everything so much more frustrating, because I don't know how to believe anyone else.

Think of it this way instead: your psychiatrist is trying to give you the tools to control your own brain.

I was texting my therapist tonight, and she said that I either needed to take my meds or go to the hospital, because if I don't take my meds, that means I'm not capable of taking care of myself. And I think part of me knows I'm out of control right now, but the idea of going to the hospital scares me (I've never gone inpatient).

I have gone inpatient. My dominant memory is of being bored. And my feet were freezing. If you need to go, take something to read, and extra socks.

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