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Anyone with your life would be depressed


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As soon as I try to go to sleep I start feeling like crap. Ok I guess what I mean is... as soon as I turn off the computer, when I no longer have the internet distracting me. When I no longer have it occupying my thoughts.

I'm sleep deprived as it is with a toddler who still wakes up at night. Evenings are my "me time" which I spend in my room in bed on the computer. My life is not going that well with things that are beyond my control (lack of contact from my toddler's father is a biggie), extreme lack of people in my life and I stress over trying to make sure I'm a good parent. Anyway, as I said as soon as the computer's off, and I try to go to sleep, the depressive thoughts and feelings set in. I wouldn't say I have major depression right now (I have had it in the past, so I know what that feels like, when it really incapacitates you). But yeah the thoughts are similar. My tdoc I had in the past always said my depression was situational, mainly due to horrible upbringing and life circumstances, not having a life worth living. She said "anyone with your life would be depressed", gee thanks tdoc.

Looks like another sleepless night on the computer (when I am not a night owl whatsoever, quite the opposite) because at least that way I dont have to lie there in the dark alone allowing my mind to wander to everything that's wrong in my life. And thinking of SI (nothing too bad, just thinking about it, not doing it). Ugh. I don't even know what this post is about, just letting my thoughts out.

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Hi,

Have you looked into mindfulness at all? Sometimes it can be useful late at night when the thoughts start. What about calling an anonymous helpline to talk?

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So what are you doing to make positive steps forward in your life so you can feel good about what you're doing and fix some of the damage that's been done to your psyche? Therapy would be a good thing for you if you're unwilling to be on meds while you're nursing-- though a lot of meds for depression are pretty safe for nursing. Situational or not, depression is depression and should be treated.

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I hate giving parenting advice, but I'm going to for the sake of your sanity.

There is no reason why a one year old can't sleep through the night. Even if you are still nursing, they should be able to sleep all night without issue. My child started sleeping all the way through the night around five months old. We used Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber, though there are other books on the subject that you can use.

Lack of sleep is a major contributor to depression. Some mindfulness and getting your kid to sleep through the night will make a difference. And I second muriel's suggestion at taking medication. I still was breastfeeding while taking meds, and my kid is fine. There are a lot of medications that are safe for breastfeeding, especially considering your child is already a year old.

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So what are you doing to make positive steps forward in your life so you can feel good about what you're doing and fix some of the damage that's been done to your psyche? Therapy would be a good thing for you if you're unwilling to be on meds while you're nursing-- though a lot of meds for depression are pretty safe for nursing. Situational or not, depression is depression and should be treated.

muriel - I've been trying to make changes, I thought I'd be back at work part time by now. I tried when she was about 6m, again at 11m, and at 18m, but it seems life has other plans :( I've hit a brick wall every time I try to take steps to going back to work. Daycare didnt work out as my kid has extreme separation anxiety. The woman from the agency just wouldn't take her on. So I made a list of all the centres in the area so I could find one who is willling to try slowly with my daughter. But yeah it's hard because daycares are all businesses that need to make money, and so you must attend a certain number of hours minimum, which my kid aint ready for. And which I can't afford right now. And I can't exactly start a job if I could get a call an hour after I've dropped her off to come pick her up again. Blablah, it all sux.

When this happened just recently (daycare lady not willing to take her on), I started a slippery slide down into a black hole, because all the plans I had, all the hopes and aspirations, including some balance in my life, flew right out the window. I am supposed to go call some of these childcarecentres to find out who takes part timers, so I can try get my plan back on track, but I haven't been able to go any further because of my latest FAILURE I feel like crap and because of my fear of rejection (BPD sympton that I quite strongly have), lack of confidence, and so on.

And so 24/7 my life revolves around my kid. I guess I can also add that I've been going through a kind of mid life crises the past few years (empty nest baby is what I have). Time is getting on and if I don't go back to work I am really scared to retire into a life of poverty. That's a huge fear of mine. I would write a lot more, but not right now. Its just good to get my thoughts out I guess.

Fixing some of the damage done to my psyche? I have no idea how. Therapy didn't work, and it's very difficult to get it over here, to qualify you really have to be a threat to yr own or somebody else's life. I find I have a huge amount of negative self talk lately. I guess that's a sympton of depression too. Why can't I treat myself nicely? Why do I have to put myself down all the time in my head? It is just hard to care for a kid totally alone. I'm scared I'll turn into my own mother (who emotionally abused me), I'm so focused on trying to make sure my daughter is happy that I forget about myself. I don't feel worthy of anything.

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I hate giving parenting advice, but I'm going to for the sake of your sanity.

There is no reason why a one year old can't sleep through the night. Even if you are still nursing, they should be able to sleep all night without issue. ........ Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber, though there are other books on the subject that you can use.

Lack of sleep is a major contributor to depression. Some mindfulness and getting your kid to sleep through the night will make a difference.

"Should be able to sleep through the night" and actually doing so, are 2 different things. Her sleeping HAS improved drastically the past couple of months after she finally got her own room after moving to a bigger place. But she still wakes to nurse at least once. And I'm thinking she does that because she's hungry because she's a poor eater as well :( This kid is addicted to milk, my milk. I have been trying to reduce the nursing but she gets really upset if I refuse. But we're working on it. I figure if I limit nursing, eventually she'll eat and start sleeping through the night, if that makes sense.

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