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Howdy I'm losing it

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A friend told me about this place

I'm having a hard time

They found my girlfriend hung in her house after her husband found out about us

He's the only witness and he said she committed suicide

it's been a week and a half and Im not doing good, we have been inseparable and I keep having panic attacks everytime I realize she can't come back

I know it's my fault whether she killed herself or he killed her

I break out crying in the worse places, meeting, shopping, everywhere anywhere

I saw a psychologist, it didn';t help that much... she cried more than me and I was bawling

I think I need some industrial strength help

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Welcome. This is a great place for people who are hurting or damaged.

Let me just say, it's not your fault. I'm sure she was wonderful, and I don't mean this to sound negative about her, but she made the decision to have a relationship outside of her marriage; no one forced her. There are consequences to our actions. That choice was hers.

If she felt guilty and suicide was her only way out, she had other options. She made her own decision. It was a selfish one, but she chose that. It's not your fault.

If her husband did it, that choice was his; he chose to handle it that way. No one forced him to and he had other options. He made that decision. It's not your fault.

It's never wise to be in an affair, but we're not responsible for other people's decisions or actions. Feeling grief is good. Feeling stupid is understandable. But don't feel like it's your fault. It's not.

I know it hurts to lose someone, especially by suicide. Trust me, I know. But don't blame yourself.

Get some help to deal with this. You need it. Without help you will carry this your entire life, and you don't deserve that.

Let us know how we can help.

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Guest Vapourware

I'm sorry about your loss. I think sometimes it's harder when you are the third person in a relationship and you lose your partner because you can't openly acknowledge that you have lost someone close to you.

I agree with Obscuremachine, in that her suicide wasn't your fault. If she did suicide, then it was ultimately her choice and no-one else could've made that decision for her.

I think it might be an idea to go to grief counsellors. They specifically deal with grief and may be able to help you process your feelings about what has happened.

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I agree with Obscure as well, however I would like to further stress the fact that seeing a therapist, however unpleasant, is very important to your recovery. It will most likely feel worse and worse for a while but you will start to get better, you will feel better. Just keep reminding yourself that it wasn't your fault and take a day at a time.

I'm here if you would like to talk. Best of luck

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I too am very sorry about your loss. I can understand having thoughts of guilt and what if about this situation, regardless of how it went down.

That said, you are ultimately not responsible for other people's actions, whether it was she who chose to end her life, or her husband.

I heartily second the idea of some intensive therapy. Depending on how bad it is, you might look at the idea of day treatment for a while? You may need some intensive support, which you could get in day treatment. given your description of your symptoms, I'm not sure whether a weekly therapy appointment would be enough.

That said, it is okay to cry, and okay to grieve. but please don't punish yourself for what happened. You did not make the choices that ultimately ended in her life ending. Either she, or her husband, are ultimately responsible for that.


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Thanks guys

Do they have specialized grieving therapists?

Mine is a therapist our EAP program from work sent me to

The reason I feel responsible is that we had been together for a year and a half and she was always so careful not to text me when her husband was around

but I got selfish and got mad when she didn't text me on the weekend when he was there

I practically demanded it and told her she could find a way, well she did and she got caught right away

She did everything she could to show me that she loved me but I was too insecure and panicked when I didn't hear from her constantly

and now I'll never hear from her again :(

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last night was the worst so far

I was watching a normal stupid movie, sharknight night 3d and when somebody got killed (like every 10 minutes) I would have full on panic attacks

that never bothered me before but now I was involuntarily clenching my fists and shaking them and I couldn't breathe, there was a feeling of dread from deep inside me electrifying me... it's horrific

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We're all flawed human beings, Bucky, doing the best we can. Maybe you were too insecure within your relationship, but your girlfriend also made the choices that she did, first and foremost the choice to have an extramarital relationship, which is usually discovered sooner or later. Obviously you didn't know what consequences you wanting her to text you on the weekend would have. If you'd had perfect foresight, I'm sure you wouldn't have done it, but you didn't know.

I agree that going to a specialized grief counselor would be a good idea. It is obvious you are suffering terribly, and it must be extra-difficult since I'm guessing your relationship would've largely been a secret. You need someone to talk to about this. CB is always there, but face-to-face, it's different.

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Thanks for the advice.

If he killed her I think I might be able to someday accept it, but if she killed herself I don't think I could live with it.

I saw her the day she died, she text me and wanted to see me.

I met her in the parking lot at work. She was a student worker and she was coming to crash a class

I went to see her and she looked super nervous. She said she was going to her house in Mexicali ( ten minutes across the border from our college) to sign some papers for the divorce.

I said I will go with her but she said no that her husband was going

We kissed but she was apprehensive, she said her son was there crashing a class also and was afraid he'd see us

I let my feelings get hurt a little and I said bye and left

She sent me a text later and said she loves me dont be mad, I text her back and said I love her too

Then a lil later she text that she was with him and going to mex so don't text her back, she loves me and will see me tomorrow

I got a call from her phone at 9;22 that evening but it hung up as soon as I answered. I was afraid to call back because I was afraid he would find out..

That was the last I heard from her

He told the mexican police that he wasn't with her and found her hung the next morning

I went to the police and then the sheriff and told them I think he killed her but they said they couldn't do anything because it happened across the border

I want to think that she would have said goodbye to me

She has a daughter 15 and a son 18 who have both been beaten by her husband, he is anger management for the last attack on his son

I want to think she wouldn't have left them behind to be beaten by him.

I hope they don't think she deserted them and left them to fend for themselves

I need to know what happened :(

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Well, I've been in a bad way

The first therapist didn't have another appointment for me until two weeks, I guess that was too long

I lost it pretty good, I cried and talked to her non-stop, I got in fights with everybody involved

I was sending texts to her phone even though her husband has it, telling her I love her and miss her and please come back, and he made a complaint to the police

I was told not to cross the border to mexico because her husband knows the cartels and he said I would be killed

But I never got to say goodbye and I couldn't take it and I crossed the border and went to the cemetery.

I had her picture made and a frame and flowers. I have been talking to her brother and he asked me to buy a rose and say some words for her, because he doesn't have papers and couldn't cross into mexico for the funeral because he wouldn't be able to come back. A student she helped gave me a present for her and I took that also, and I also took the blanket from our bed that she had asked me for.

I brought my guitar, sang her some songs, talked to her for a couple hours and told her about everything, told her what her brother wanted me to say, I laid on the blanket on top of her and cried a bunch.

When I got there was just dirt, no name, no plaque, nothing. But I fixed it up real nice for her.

It was the second saddest day of my life.

I sent her brother pics and texts from the cemetery. Her family is talking to me now, they said they appreciated what I did and thanked me for making her happy during her last year on earth

I got to see another shrink the next day. She was real good and specializes in grieving but she wants me to let go of her and I don't want to.

I have her facebook page and I write her several times a day and tell her how everything is going and that I miss her so much.

I see a psychiatrist on wednesday in case I need some meds because I still panic and can't breathe and my psychologist will see me this week again.

I miss her so much :(


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