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So I was absent from the boards for a while there. Probably mainly because my life was going kind of good for a while. It still mostly sucked, but I had something in my life that I truly loved. Me and a group of friends were doing a sketch show, and since film-making has been my lifelong ambition, it was good. The best thing in my life, ever. Even with the in-fighting (caused primarily by my always insisting to work harder, put in more hours...and other people resisting), getting people to help out, lack of feedback from audiences, etc.

But then...two of the four people involved up and moved away and it was all over. One of them went to film school, where they are currently using professional equipment to shoot short films, hobnobbing with celebrities (kind of), etc. So I go from being the co-creator of a little sketch show, to doing NOTHING while my other half goes and does exactly what I have always wanted to do. Well, he had things I did not. An education (high school and a four-year college, I have...a fucking G.E.D.)., well-off parents (whereas mine are just plain poor). It was awful. Seeing his stuff on facebook, hearing him tell me stories of the stuff he'd been doing...some of the most painful stuff I have ever endured.

But lately, I have been feeling more like I am in mourning. A feeling (thoughts, too but mainly the feeling) that I'll be dead soon. That my life is basically over, and now all that is left to do is make peace with that fact and drift away. In a couple of months, maybe a year...I am going to pull the plug. It's depressing, scary...but also comforting. I hope I find something, or feel differently...but not really counting on that.

But this little pity party here made me feel a tad better, so at least there's that.

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Hi there Tim; nice to hear from you.

If you dont mind me asking how old are you?

Im 35. I thought my life was over last year in November when I tried to commit suicide. Fortunately I survived and can now see a future that I couldn't see before.

You will likely have many opportunities in the future that dont seem possible right now.

Keep posting. We are here to help where we can.

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Guest Vapourware

Sorry you're feeling down and out.

I wonder, though - why not go and create something else along those lines, if you enjoyed it and it's what you want to do? Or create something else altogether with other partners? I find that in the creative industry, it's not common for groups to stick around together for a while [i happen to be involved in music, similar in some respects]. It's always disappointing when groups break up, but it's just something that happens regularly when you are in the creative field. Personally, I suspect it's because people in those fields tend to be in some sort of perpetual motion and therefore groups happen and split up often.

I think if you constantly stew over what happened to your previous group, you might end up being embittered and it's not going to help your feelings on the matter.

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It's the pits when you feel like that. I can understand what a body blow it was when the group broke up and you felt like you no longer had fulfilling, interesting work.

It sounds like depression is really knocking you for a loop. Can you talk to your doctor about a med adjustment? You're only taking 150mg of bupropion and the usual therapeutic dose is 300. You can always go back to 150 later on.

If you need more education, can you check out a local community college? Sometimes they have grants and low-interest loans for poor students. I hope you can get some help for your depression, because as long as you are depressed, everything will seem hopeless.

olga

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i'm sorry, Tim. that sounds really hard. i can relate a little bit. this past year i found something i'm really good at, too, and it was going really well. the project has since fallen apart due to my crazy. i could resume the business alone, but i need to go back to school first (like you, it seems), and i'm not well enough to go to school, or pay for school. i grieve the loss of the dream i had. i find myself thinking that "if only" things hadn't been interrupted, my life would be SO MUCH BETTER.

but i must concede that i'm depressed. and it sounds like you are too. if we weren't depressed, it would probably be much easier to to focus on what we can do to get that dream back (like figure out how to get more education, or seek out new people to work with), eh? it just seems impossible now.

i don't know how to help, but it makes sense to me that you're mourning. i think it's okay to stop and do that for a short while. i also think neither you or i should spend too much time grieving, either. i don't know what the right amount of time is, but i think it's important to both honour your feelings now, and then find out how to rebuild again. that's what i'm hoping for, anyway.

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