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I don't even know where to begin.

Everything is going wrong.

I tried to schedule a short vacation.

Then a shit-ton of work came in.

This happens EVERY FUCKING TIME.

And I don't mean like, a lot of work. I mean I've been working 11-13 hour days and I'm still not catching up.

I thought I was almost caught up last night. I left at 9pm.

I come in today, and I have a shitload of new work. I'm supposed to go on vacation tomorrow.

A vacation that won't even fucking be worth it anyway.

I tried to convince SO that it would be nice to get a hotel there and spend the night, then drive back the other day. He thinks it's the dumbest idea ever. He'd rather take 3 hours to drive there, cram shit in, then take 3 hours to drive back. And I know he's going to want to drink, so that means *I* have to drive back since I'm not a drinker. It's fucking retarded. But of course, a hotel would cost money and why spend money on anything to make your life less stressful?

The other day my SO was looking at the place we were going to visit, checking out ticket prices, etc.

I looked at the site today to get the address and find out the length of the drive. And I saw something very, very fucking important that he failed to notice.

THEY ARE CLOSED FOR TWO WEEKS FOR MAINTENANCE.

So there's not even a fucking point to going

I don't know why I try.

Any time I ever try to get any goddamn time off, I ruin it for him because he has a job where he can just drop everything and go on vacation and I'm the fucking asshole because I ruin everything because I can't just leave my job and have fun. Did I mention I don't make enough money to afford rent AND medical care/prescriptions? This shit is so not worth it.

I finally paid off a chunk of my credit card debt. $600.

Just had to put a car repair on the card. $800.

My head is pounding.

I can't get more migraine meds until Sunday.

My pdoc that I called on Thursday of last week because my meds aren't keeping me from wanting to kill myself? Still hasn't called me back. She doesn't give a fucking shit. I hate her now. Officially. I hope someone punches her in the face.

Why do I bother? This shit always happens. I keep saying to myself it's going to get better....it's going to get better....it's going to get better...it's going to get better. THIS IS THE FIFTH MONTH IN A ROW IT'S NOT GETTING BETTER. I'm not fucking crazy; other people have noted how much shit always gets hurled my way.

I want to put my fist through something, but I'm at work and can't do that.

My job is stressful during this time of year. I've looked around to see if there are any others I'm qualified for. THERE ISN'T A SINGLE FUCKING ONE LISTED. Not one. On any job sites. Unless I want to move 150 miles away for a job I probably wouldn't even get interviewed for.

I have no education beyond a 4 month post-high school technical course because my father made it his goal to make sure I never ever got a chance to go for a degree. He gets off on making people miserable and ruining their lives. But he's "trying" to be better. Lies. I hope a rabid dog mauls his face off, only he doesn't die. He's just an invalid with no one to take care of him. Then he can suffer and die of rabies.

I'm raging right now. Y'know, in case no one could tell.

I am so fucking fed up with everything, I have no outlet to make things better, and I have no chance for even an enjoyable vacation because if I even do take one after all, I'll be panicking the entire time about how I'm getting behind on shit and how I'll end up incurring fines for mistakes from the companies we work with.

If I didn't desperately need medical insurance and a car, I'd walk out of here right now. Not sure what I'd do after that. :Trigger: I don't have enough pills to swallow and I'm not a fan of being in pain, so I'm not going to kill myself. Probably just bash my head against a wall repeatedly. It's the only thing that helps me.

But of course, I can't even do that because I have a migraine and I'd possibly end up killing myself to escape the excruciating pain that would result from bashing my head into a wall repeatedly while having a migraine.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't fucking check myself into a hospital because I have too much fucking work to do.

Can't go in my car and scream. That would make my head hurt more.

Maybe it's good that I'm raging. It means I at least give a shit. But I know that won't last.

I was finally starting to feel decent yesterday. Vaguely optimistic.

It never fucking lasts.

My fingertips are numb and my heart is pounding and my stomach keeps suggesting that I throw up.

Doctors have never been kind enough to give me benzos or anything to save me from panic attacks. Then again, why am I surprised when doctors fail me? They always fail me. No wonder I hate humanity.

I don't know what to do.

It's too stressful to give a shit.

My job is killing me.

But if I don't have a job, I'll kill myself.

I've been unemployed before and I am NOT fucking doing it again. No fucking way. Not with the way things are right now. I'd be lucky to find a job in 18 months that would at least almost pay my bills.

I lose either way.

I lose every way.

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I'm sorry things are shitty right now.

Why do I bother? This shit always happens. I keep saying to myself it's going to get better....it's going to get better....it's going to get better...it's going to get better. THIS IS THE FIFTH MONTH IN A ROW IT'S NOT GETTING BETTER. I'm not fucking crazy; other people have noted how much shit always gets hurled my way.

This really resonated with me. Sometimes it really isn't just the "crazy." Even if I wasn't crazy, I seem to be a fucking shit magnet. People around me see it. So, I know how it feels, and it really does suck. I'm sorry.

Hang in there and I hope things get better soon.

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All this work to do and all I've done all day is stare at my work and then not do it.

I may as well just quit.

To quit and retain dignity but no money, or stay and have everyone view your inevitable failure?

I'm about to fall asleep. I had 7.5 hrs sleep last night. But I'm exhausted. I'm always tired. There is sleep but there is never rest.

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Can you take a day or two off and blame it on physical sickness? Like, go in tomorrow and tell everyone you feel queasy and you think it might be food poisoning, then call in sick Thursday and/or Friday? I've done that. I find intestinal woes are better than colds to fake, because no one wonders why you're not sniffling or coughing and God, no one wants details if they might include horrible explosive diarrhea.

Reading your posts, I don't really think quitting would benefit you. I know what two years of unemployment is like, and it bites double ass. But you clearly need a break. Don't worry about going away with the SO. Kinda sounds like this trip was not meant to be. Spend your time taking hot baths, or watching Dr. Who reruns, or contemplating all the mystery objects in the kitchen junk drawer and then putting them right back in. Do something stressless and and low-impact that you enjoy. Remember that if your brain implodes, it will not do wonders for either your relationship or your employablilty.

Take care of yourself, honey. We need you around here.

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Any chance you could take your vacation soon? As soon as you're kind-of/sort-of almost caught up with work again?

I'm sorry your S.O. isn't more understanding... Most people's jobs DO NOT allow them to go take a vacation at the drop of the hat. His own job must be a pleasant aberration.

All these external stressors that are converging on you could last quite a while longer, but I think that there is a chance that many of them could can start getting resolved soon.

I think you should keep calling your pdoc's office. You need their help, and that's what they're there to do. (Do you have a therapist as well?)

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Thanks for the replies.

The S.O. is a good guy, just perhaps a bit naive about how lucky he is to be able to leave work. He's pretty much the only awesome thing I have going for me. Like...ever. Glad I have him.

The problem with taking time off is that we are a very small company and it is the end of the year. I was flat out told that management will under no circumstances even consider getting us an assistant because it's not in the budget. Probably next year (which I believe), but no effing way this.

And because we're such a small co., there is absolutely no one to cover for me while I am out. No one. There is only one other person here that does my job and she is maxed out too (but very obviously coping better and working fewer hours....she can concentrate unlike me....if not for that, she'd probably be here pretty late too)

I am between a rock and a hard place.

I have to be here during the day because when I'm not, people screw up stuff and it makes even more work for me. I'm not a control freak (much), but this is necessary for things to be done right. When things are done wrong, we receive fines from the companies we deal with. Then the mgmt at the end of the year can go, eh, customer xx has charged us $xxx for doing shit wrong. What is Anodyne doing wrong? Is she worth what we're paying her?

I can't lose my job. I can't do it. I can't risk it. I'd possibly rather be nonexistent than unemployed again. Not that I'd have a choice. The stress of probably having to declare bankruptcy is enough to make me a blurb in the obituaries.

I can't make people who have no spare time do my work in addition to theirs.

I might receive assistance from a co-worker, but she is not available for 2-3 weeks. that is too late.

In any other parallel universe that wasn't run by greedy sociopaths, I'd be applying at other jobs. In my universe, none exist for application.

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Is it "end of year" at your company because, say, the fiscal year ends Sept 30? Or is end of year Dec. 31?

One strategy would be to plan a vacation right after end of year - which would hopefully be early October. Monday, Oct. 10 is Columbus Day. Plan a 3 day weekend, Oct. 8 - 10.

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