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Well hi there. I was a member way back in the day, and recently decided to come back...well, it wasn't really a decision, because shit's all going to hell here.

OK, deep breath.

This year has been extremely stressful. I started having weird symptoms that really impacted my life, like cognitive dysfunction, tremors, clumsiness, etc. So I got an MRI this summer, which showed several inactive lesions in my frontal lobe. Saw a neurologist, who was spectacularly unhelpful...apparently everything's "non-specific." Blood work, however, indicates something autoimmune. With all of this, my anxiety (which has been happily absent for a long time) has reared its head once more. Thing 2: My husband works for Borders, and is thus losing his job as of next week. That, combined with my health stuff, and now a partially torn rotator cuff...it's all combined to make my depression and anxiety spiral out of control.

I finally got a cathartic ugly cry tonight, but I don't feel better, I just feel drained. I'm down to my last Xanax, and I seriously doubt my doctor will renew the script. I don't get in with a pdoc for another month.

I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish with this post, but seriously, I feel completely out of control, my stress levels are sky-high, I'm just a fucking mess, and I don't know how to deal. To be clear, I don't think I'm suicidal. Banging my head against the wall REALLY hard sounds pretty good, though.

Thanks for reading.

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i know how you feel, just remember that everything will work out. as far as symptoms of brain trauma go, you're doing incredibly well. theres a good chance the two aren't even related.

if you need your meds you need your meds, you can go to urgent care if you need to, but i would suggest calling you pdoc right now and saying you need to see him/her ASAP. dont go into too much detail, but make sure they understand its urgent.

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I'm sorry to hear about all the stresses, and yes, I do suggest TRYING to get a refill of benzos from gdoc (you never know, they might be sympathetic, if I were a doc, I sure would be) and make sure you are able to get in to see pdoc soon.

Anna

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I sent gdoc a message last night that she replied to this morning...she wants me to come in for an office visit if I need more benzos. Talk about a freaking waste of time...I don't even want her prescribing psych drugs to me anymore because she's completely clueless. So, I'm mulling sending a message to the pdoc, even though I don't see him till 10/11. I don't want to seem like a drug-seeker or anything, though, and I'm doubtful that he'd prescribe anything to someone he's never seen. If I could even get something to help me sleep, that would make a huge difference.

I can't even write coherently anymore...it's taken me like 20 minutes to write that first paragraph. Cognitive dysfunction, you suck. Follow-up with neuro this afternoon, which I'm totally expecting to be something like "Well, we don't know what the hell's going on, so go see a rheumatologist." Fun.

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Sounds like a real mess going on in your head, altopower. I hope you can get in to see your pdoc, and I agree that a GP is not always a good choice for handling your psych meds.

Keep us posted. I hope you can get some answers from the neurologist.

olga

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Yay, the neuro refilled my Xanax! Enough to get me through the next month till my pdoc appointment. Still no answers about what's going on inside my head, though. They repeated the bloodwork that was abnormal before, and if it's still abnormal, I'll be referred to a rheumatologist. No answers on what caused the lesions, what damage the lesions have caused, nothing.

Depression and anxiety were out of control today, along with a huge dose of derealization. The whole day felt unreal, like I wasn't really there, or like I was a ghost or something. It's just so hard to know what "symptom" is due to the crazy or due to something physiological.

I really really just want to get drunk. I won't (because of the Xanax and muscle relaxers), but I still want to.

BTW, I did call the pdoc today and they can't get me in any earlier, but I left a voicemail for the tdoc in the hopes that she can pull some strings or something. No call back yet, which isn't a good sign, but maybe tomorrow.

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