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afraid of self-may b triggering. Plz help


pink_2011

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I am new to this forum. Im 30 yrs old I started cutting among many things in 1993. I had actually stopped for the past 4 years. I was put on adderall after a big major mess up. My boyfriend back then left me I just had our daughter, I awake to a knock on door by a police officer telling me he had killed himself. I was very upset. I took my daughter to my friends and went back to our plae locked all the doors and harmed very badly. My parents found me on the floor called 911 I got put inpatient for suicidal attempt. My parents tried to take custody of my daughter for her safety they claimed. So I proved that I can stop, agreed to drug rehab, therepy, all that. Well needless to say I didnt really have the urge or weird sensations for some reason. Ok so fast foreword to now. my daughter is now 4 and 2 and im 5 months with twin girls. i've been having a rough time. My boyfriend of 3 years is cheating on me, so I leave him only to find out im pregant with the twins. I ran in to some old friends started talking hung out after work began drinkin and using some drugs. I honestly at that point just wanted to stop the hurt inside. Well 2 weeks ago my grandmother died. I couldnt cry then I still cant and I was the closest to her I seen her everyday. Well I noticed cig burn markd on my legs I dont remember doing it (i honestly dont) I decided better safe to shut up about it so I covered it up. But then I noticed another odd thing. I ran to the store with my youngest daughter I dont remember picking up razor blades or purchasing them, reciept shows different this has happened 3 more times again. Well I still thought better to shut up about this. I asked my sister to please watch kids for weekend I had a double shift and sitter bailed. I ended up going out with friends no alcohol or drugs. Well me and my guy friends gf got into a huge fight over my past and how bad I am for my teen years. My guy friend took me home. I remember going inside shutting door going to the closet my friend is talking to me and im.standing there smiling rubbing a razor blade he tried to grab it I pulled away finally I sat down held it tight and told him everything. He promised not to speak of this incident to anyone else. I promised no harming. However im finding these episodes more frequent to were im clutching the blade or like realizing I have it in my hand staring in a daze. Im literally panicing if I dont have one on me at all times. I find myself thinking more and more of going to my secret spots where I used to do it at in the woods. Im scared that if I should actually use one I may not b able to stop or go to deep. Im literally scared of myself. I dont understand why im having these feelings and odd moments like I am. I dont know what to do to stop them, all I know is that I wont stop till finally do it. I never had these episodes before now. As anyone else have "episodes" like I am? If so how do u make it stop? should I tell my psych about this? Can he put me inpatient for this?

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Yes you should tell your psych about this. How can he help you otherwise?

Pretty sure that people aren't made to go inpatient just for dissociating (at least, we haven't) and usually the level of harm has to be worse? Not too sure. He might make you sign a contract saying that you don't SI any more, and if you're dissociating then maybe (ideally) he can help you learn some coping skills, or some grounding skills.

But yes, you should tell him.

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It would be very important to tell psychiatrist this. Remember, he does have to keep it confidential, and it should not affect you being able to care for your children and have them. Also, it is unlikely that he would insist on inpatient if you have not yet done SERIOUS harm (I do think certain providers will recommend an inpt stay if the self harm becomes so severe that it could cause injury or death).

That said, I am also very concerned about the level of dissociation, and I really think you need a therapist to help you with this, as it is very hard to stop self harming if you don't realize you are doing it.

A good therapist can really help with learning not to dissociate.

Please seek help for this issue.

Anna

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I apologize in advance, but the wall-of-text without line or paragraph breaks set me up for failure in reading your post. My fault, but I dare say that I am not the only CB member who experiences difficulty in trying to read these types of posts.

From what I did gather from the wall-of-text, I agree that you need immediate and intensive profession care.

Good luck, best wishes, and happy pregnancy.

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