Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Lack of Support, Going of Medication


Recommended Posts

I don't really want to give a lot of background here because it's too tedious, but I received a Bipolar diagnoses from a psychologist, a nurse practitioner, and a psychiatrist. I was prescribed Lamatical and Welbutin. The Welbutin was to keep me from killing myself before the Lamtical kicked in, to be perfectly frank.

I think there was some improvement on the medications--maybe. I wasn't as much like a roller coaster as I have been in the past. Sometimes there was sadness. But I've been kind of on and off because of some doubts and comments other people have made. I thought for awhile I had factitious disorder and was imagining it all. I'm sort of on that page now. While I know it's possible I have Bipolar, I wondered if it is just the new fad mental illness, sort of like ADHD. I know several people that have this diagnoses from some ten question test, and they seem perfectly fine, healthy, functioning individuals WITHOUT medication. I wonder if I just read the symptoms and shaped myself to fit the illness, or shaped myself after the diagnoses, or just told the psychiatrist what she wanted to hear. I have no idea, I just keep thinking. Maybe the medication wasn't helping, it was just my attitude changing because I thought it was helping.

I wonder if I can be where my "Bipolar friends" are. I wonder if I just act the way I do "just because."

I called my family last night for the first time in a month and expressed my concerns. I don't know why. I was mainly complaining about a (new) psychiatrists reaction to my Lamitical withdraw symptoms, which included anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and a hallucination. He told me that shouldn't happen and (essentially, I think) was inferring I either blew my symptoms out of proportion or was lying about it. I suppose that's his opinion, and that's okay, but it bothered me a little bit, because I wasn't lying about it--those things really happened.

My mother (not a doctor) said that she'd been doing some reading and said that she doesn't think I have Bipolar. She suggested dealing with life instead of medicating it, and said that if anything I probably had a personality disorder, like BPD. She said that I'd always been different from elementary school and saw things differently and wanted to be alone. She said it is normal for people to be giddy, productive, etc at certain times. I asked her to explain my hallucinations and delusions (that everyone wanted to rape me, that God was talking to me) and constant thoughts of killing myself for months on end and she attributed it to my poor sleeping habits.

I know I fit most of the Bipolar criteria, but it is so difficult to even consider that it's true or fits me when I have no support. I have friends telling me it's no big deal, I don't need medication. My family tells me that. Even a professor suggested psychotherapy instead of medication. So maybe they are right. Maybe this is all in my head and all my fault.

I'm weening myself off Lamitcal and will stop Welbutin tomorrow. I'll also tell my psychiatrist that I think her diagnoses is wrong. It hurts to say that, because it was finally nice to have some "excuse" or explanation for why I feel the way I do when I have literally everything and am the poster child of academic success, but maybe I need to change my own reality. This is probably all my doing.

I know the feelings of sadness are going to return, and I'll probably want to kill myself, and I'll probably become paranoid and anxious and not want to be alive anymore. But I guess this is the price I must pay for being the way I am. If this is a personality disorder I deserve to suffer. If I end up killing myself, it's not like the world is losing a wonderful creature, or things will slow down. It'd almost be doing the world a favor.

I guess I just needed to tell someone. I can't tell this to anyone in life. I feel too ashamed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No one here can diagnose you. That doesn't mean some observations on you post can't be made.

Your psychiatrists and pschologist are much more skilled and trained and able to correctly diagnose you than your mother. Parents often go into denial and try to find any other reason for your issues. It's often like a personal failing for them. That and an MI is one of the last things they'd wish on their kid. My mother was in denial for a while even though her own brother had bipolar.

Anyone can score bipolar on those stupid Internet tests. They mean nothing. Most people don't walk out of the offices of a few psychiatric professionals with the diagnosis. I mean, maybe you could find one misdiagnosing, but more than that is unlikely. Further, it's also unlikely that you could learn enough about the actual illness to fake your way through an assessment. The popular conceptions often are barely representative of the actual disorder.

It is very common to want to deny that you have this illness. Like your parents, who the fuck wants it? Much easier to blame yourself for all your failings, especially since you already have a lifetime so doing.

A lot of people put on meds for life quit them shortly after because accepting the need is extremely difficult.

I know the feelings of sadness are going to return, and I'll probably want to kill myself, and I'll probably become paranoid and anxious and not want to be alive anymore. But I guess this is the price I must pay for being the way I am. If this is a personality disorder I deserve to suffer. If I end up killing myself, it's not like the world is losing a wonderful creature, or things will slow down. It'd almost be doing the world a favor.

These are not the thoughts or feelings of a mentally healthy person. They are those of a seriously depressed person if not a bipolar one. Please see you psychiatrist. Take your illness, whatever it is, seriously. And resume your meds. You are not doing well without them.

I'm sorry life is turning this way, but I promise, a bipolar diagnosis does not mean the end of a regular life. It usually means the start of one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I asked her to explain my hallucinations and delusions (that everyone wanted to rape me, that God was talking to me) and constant thoughts of killing myself for months on end and she attributed it to my poor sleeping habits.

Normal people do not have hallucinations and delusions. I would listen to the medical professionals, and not your mother because she cannot be objective. And you certainly are not being objective right now.

By going off meds, you are playing with fire. You will either wind up dead or at least, in the hospital. You can take control of your life by getting the proper treatment, not by going off meds. You will get worse. I can tell you this from personal experience.

Also, hallucinations are not part of Lamictal withdrawal. This is not withdrawal, but a symptom of the underlying illness that flared up when you removed the med.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I were you I would listen to your pdoc over your family when it comes to a dx. It does seem that your mother is in denial. My parents were the same when I was depressed and said that it was just that I was lazy. I also gathered from your post (please correct me if I am wrong) that your family being in denial is contributing towards you not believing your dx. I have been through the whole 'oh I don't need to worry, there is nothing wrong with me' and not accepting my dx, which sucks and I would say it is a good thing to work through in therapy. But if you were honest with your pdoc, then I would at least try to trust his opinion.

I hope that you can find some medication that works for you, so you can get your life back on track. Therapy is also a very good idea.

I hope that what I said made sense to you. And welcome to CB.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bipolar or not, the most important thing to have here is a happy life, right? I mean, that's why you'd seek help at all? And if meds give you a happy life, and coming off them doesn't, then isn't it a moot point whether you do have that diagnosis? Life is about trying what works and putting your own quality of life first. I have bipolar and I tried to reduce my meds this summer and came to the conclusion that it's better to be medicated and functioning then unmedicated and unhappy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't really want to give a lot of background here because it's too tedious, but I received a Bipolar diagnoses from a psychologist, a nurse practitioner, and a psychiatrist.

It is what it is. I cannot think of any way to be more sure than to have a multitude of health professionals come to the same diagnosis. You should work on accepting this and get your psychiatrist to adjust your meds. You seem to have a while to go before getting all your symptoms under control.

nf

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

If you have hallucinations/delusions plus the other symptoms you mentioned then your illness is not fully treated yet. There are other medication approaches besides Lamictal/Wellbutrin that someone with hallucinations should pursue. You need to work closely with a psychiatrist to manage your illness. I am concerned for your safety and well being if you go without treatment. Parents never want to think their kids have bipolar. Sad but true. But the delusions and hallucinations and suicidal ideation is going to force the issue.

If this is a personality disorder I deserve to suffer. If I end up killing myself, it's not like the world is losing a wonderful creature, or things will slow down. It'd almost be doing the world a favor.

You do not deserve to suffer - whether it is a PD or not. Who says people with a PD deserve to suffer?? You are a wonderful and irreplaceable creature to your friends, your family, and your future friends or loves. Your suffering and death does NO ONE a favor. That is distorted, distorted thinking from the illnss. You are playing with fire, stay in treatment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can completely relate to your post, I have the same questions all the time, I'll believe the diagnosis when I'm doing really bad, then question it all over again, wonder if I influenced the dr's that diagnosed me (3 different ones), made them think I'm bipolar, think they got it wrong, think bipolar is over-diagnosed. And when I've decided to stop taking meds I've had my mom and friends saying that was a good decision, they didn't think I was bipolar anyway, blah blah blah. The point is that I think that many people go through these same questions, but simply having the questions doesn't mean the diagnosis is wrong. I don't think that most people feel suicidal or so depressed or have paranoia, I don't think these things are "normal". That's what I have to keep reminding myself when I have these questions. You're not alone.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Vapourware

I think a lot of people get the same thoughts initially about their dxs - this whole, "This can't be". However, if several mental health professionals have diagnosed you with bipolar, then it's a good chance that you do have bipolar, or at least some sort of mental condition that is severely impacting on your life.

Not everyone with a mental illness is incapable of success. There's plenty of people with bipolar, etc. who lead productive, successful lives.

People can do online tests and find themselves diagnosed with all sorts of things. Online tests are in no way diagnostic.

As for blaming yourself for mental illnesses - it's actually a lot more complex than that. The reason why conditions arise is not a person's fault - there's a lot of other factors to consider like your environment, genetics, etc. Having a mental illness is not a sign of weakness, and no-one chooses to be ill.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK, if you do have a personality disorder (A significant number of people with Axis I disorders meet criteria for an Axis II disorder, so it's certainly possible), it does not mean you deserve to suffer and rid the world of yourself. Personality disorders are the result of a complex interplay between the environment and genetics. You can fix it, but you sure as hell didn't cause it. People with personality disorders are not bad people who deserve punishment. They deserve kindness and treatment like everyone else.

Off soapbox.

If you can get three mental health professionals to agree to a diagnosis, that is saying something, man. I'd listen. People who don't have a mental disorder or who aren't mental health professionals do not get it. Don't listen to those people. Listen to your treatment providers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...