Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Depression, for me, is pure self sabotage. I had a three hour job last night, it went well, the boss said I did a good job. I was supposed to go again today, but was feeling depressed so I emailed her and told her I couldn't go due to a migraine. Even though working made me feel better. Why am I doing this to myself? What's wrong with me? I just felt it was impossible for me to go, and that I would rather stay in bed. I need the money and I need the time out of the house. Anyone else sabotage themselves while in the midst of depression? What do I do to get out of this pattern?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've called into work because I was certain I couldn't keep my composure. Maybe I could have just sucked it up and gone, but at that time it seemed impossible and as though my only option was to call off. I didn't think I had another option. So I do it too, unfortunately. I wish I had some advice, I haven't had to deal with it again since. Now I know I'm better able to handle things when I'm down, so maybe I would handle it differently, I don't know. I hope you can find some way to help it, I know it sucks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I should work through it in therapy. Guess what? I cancelled therapy this week too! But it will be a good thing to talk about next week. I guess I didn't go to work because I felt apathetic and down. But I know that it helped my mood yesterday, so why would I not go? I just don't understand this self-sabotage.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I should work through it in therapy. Guess what? I cancelled therapy this week too! But it will be a good thing to talk about next week. I guess I didn't go to work because I felt apathetic and down. But I know that it helped my mood yesterday, so why would I not go? I just don't understand this self-sabotage.

I'm a lot like you. But my problem is apathy and anxiety. I'm too anxious to do what I need to do and too apathetic to care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I absolutely refuse to call in sick no matter how shitty I feel. As a result I've gotten my stupid ass fired. So, yeah I definitely sabotage myself. I blew therapy off years ago...so I'd say you should probably go to therapy if you want to break the cycle.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've lost a few jobs because of my attendance. My last job I was at for six years all together and I LOVED that job so much and I got fired because of my attendance. I cried and slept for two months. I did get unemployment though because I was in the hospital. Sometimes I just can't leave my house and then I sleep all day. Its not that I'm lazy I just can't make myself go. I actually just called in Friday, Monday and yesterday. Oh yeah and I'm still in my probationary period. Plus I just screwed myself on paying my car payment. So I do understand where you're coming from. I'm pretty sure mine is from my depression.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a strict rule when depressed. Put on happy face and go to work no matter what. No mental health days.

That said, I used to have 6 month episodes of depression, they were sheer hell, and they happened yearly. Had I not done that, I would have been unable to work. Work was not distracting or fun, either.

I don't want to be unduly harsh here, I understand debilitating depression is..... hard. But you need to get to work strongly on working this out in therapy, to be honest. If you do want to keep your job. So really, to me, the cancelling of therapy was more self sabotagy, as you need to FIX this.

Anna

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Calling in sick when I'm not, usually to work, but also to things I enjoy more like dinner with friends, is probably the clearest marker there is for me to let me know I'm sliding into the abyss. I have learned the hard way that if it lasts more than a few days to call the pdoc. My current pdoc also encourages viligant awareness to this behavior because he's often told me that it's much easier to stop a breakthrough depression than to wait and let it get full blown, and try to recover from that.

Having said all that goody-two-shoes BS, I have lost two really good jobs due to attendance, or lack thereof. At those times I entered into a couple of depressive episodes that lasted a couple of years each. Basically during those times I hibernated and went completely broke.

I'm feeling fine these days, but I'm always looking over my shoulder for that impenetratable black cloud that wants to engulf me.

I think you should call the pdoc and get your meds adjusted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I got fired because of my attendance. I cried and slept for two months. I did get unemployment though because I was in the hospital.

OMG! me too, Well I it's been about two years for me (feels like yesterday) and I wasn't really fired as I was quasi laid off while taking a bunch of sick leave.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I get unreliable too. I don't get back to people, for instance if they call or text me. I just sleep all day or stay in bed. I used to call in sick to work a few times, but never that much. But definitely a few mental health days where I just couldn't get out of bed literally couldn't force myself to. I also cancel things, like cancel lunch or dinner dates with my friends or parents and family.

I get really anxious and depressed when my low mood strikes. So anxiety is another big component of the problem.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OMG - I can relate to all of the posts about self-sabatogue! For me, these times when I want to climb into that black hole (not go to work, not talk or socialize, want to stay in bed all day) are clues I need to check in with my psy doc. I am in that horrible pit now and I am afraid to call because: 1) I hate asking for help; 2) I don't want to find out my psych meds have "pooped out" and I have to go through the process of finding some others; and 3) she probabily won't have an opening in her schedule as soon as I need her.

Please try not to judge yourself so harshly for what your brain chemicals might be up to. By the way, I love your username "Malachite" - they are such beautiful green stones with dark streaks. Kind of like what I hope my soul - depression and anxiety included - might look like. Best wishes! KrazyKat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

KrazyKat. Thanks for your reply, sorry you too are in the midst of this. I hate calling my pdoc too! I hope you will though and tell her what is going on with you. I should do the same. Thanks again for replying and making such a nice comment about malachite!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me, it's a double-edged sword. I worked for awhile, then all of a sudden i left because i couldnt handle it. Now, i dont see myself going back to work, mainly because ive gotten worse. But while i need work because it makes me feel like im doing something, i still dont want to go back to work. I took time off, thinking it would do me well, but it seems ive regressed a bit, instead of moving forward. When I was on zyprexa and anantidepressant, i didnt give a shit what i did, and i think doing nothing was fine. But now without an antidepressant or zyprexa i guess my mindset towards doing things has changed a bit. I still really wish i could do stuff, but im really afraid of what could happen or how I would take something good and destroy it to get some sick satisfaction.

Sometimes I feel trapped like i can't win either way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Similar Content

    • By Blahblah
      Has anyone (without a clinical thyroid disorder) tried Cytomel and had benefit with depression & fatigue? It seems most docs are resistant to trying it due to the possible heart/ bone density side effects.
      Even when it comes to thyroid disorders, There are some circles that disagree with the TSH lab ranges (what is "acceptable") and that TSH may not be good indicator of thyroid function for everyone anyway...
      I know T3 is rarely prescribed (even for ppl with thyroid issues). But I also read that in a few studies, folks with treatment-resistant depression (with no thyroid issues) can also benefit from using T3 as an add-on or "booster".
       
       
    • By Blahblah
      I banged my head (outer eyebrow near temple) a week ago, on a cabinet door. I'm wondering if anyone here has got a concussion from this sort of thing? How do you know for sure?
      I iced it for an hour immediately, so very minimal bruising, but had a large lump (which is going down). Its very tender. My temple and eyebrow still feel "achey" (it's not really a headache). I also feel extra lethargic with brain fog, abrupt worsening of mood. I go to doc tomorrow, but I read that MRI scans cannot show mild concussions (only bone fractures or brain bleeding) and I also wonder if it's just my depression getting worse (versus a head injury from a bump)...?
      I HATE going to the Dr for this sort of thing... because I don't want to be labeled as "malingering" or a hypochondriac mental case. Doctors always see a diagnosis of depression on my file (and meds I'm on) and of course (being a woman also), it makes them more apt to always write things off as psychological or stress-related. 😞
    • By Inanlae
      So for seventeen years I've had pain depression.  It especially feels like it's squeezing my heart.  It hasn't historically been *about* anything.  I've just chalked it up to biochemistry, heredity.  And I've thought about suicide, most days, for at least fifteen years - because pain sucks.  Ups-and-downs.  Roller-coasters.  Probably every person on here has done time at the worst torture theme park in the world.

      Two years ago, my cocktail started working.  There was some CBT and DBT in the mix too.  I decreased my daily Ativan from 3mg to 2mg.  Plus 20mg Latuda, 300mg Sertraline, 100mg Topamax.  I actually felt happy, for about two years, until this October.  Then it stopped working.  And I stopped working.  I work in a level I trauma center, where I identify cancer, anemia, and the effects of the coronavirus on the human body.  I feel like I have a front row seat to human suffering, without being empowered to ameliorate it, and it's another kind of torture.

      I am very tired of fighting.  If there was a euthanasia travel agency, where I could just walk in, plan my funeral and end-of-life arrangements, plan my ideal death, and just call this thing at 38, that would be a somewhat attractive option (not telling, The Tallest Man on Earth, flaming-Viking-burial-at-sea.)  I'm tired of fighting this disease, personally.  And I'm tired of coming up against the tsunami of "world suck" (H/T Vlog Brothers) which seems to be hate-fucking itself ad astra.

      So the strain theory, which I haven't read much on yet, is that we consider the termination of our lives when under one or more types of strain.  I personally find this theory hopeful, as targeting the sources of strain, i.e. "world stuck," could reduce the inducements to terminate one's life.  The General Strain Theory, according to one Wik I. Pedia cites loss of positive stimuli, addition of negative stimuli, or the inability to reach a desired goal, as three possible sources of strain.  I will follow up on this with my tdoc on Wednesday.  I think work is introducing negative stimuli, and I have a shit ton of unreached goals, but am starting to care about goals less and less.  Basically, it pisses me off that I've had to dramatically reduce my goals due to my diseases, and it's kind of tempting to just leave the party.  Please feel free to weigh in if you have personal and or academic experience with this.

      I'm also meeting virtually with my pdoc tomorrow... to tweak the cocktail.  Would love recommendations.  My current rx mix, dxs and rx, failures are in my signature.  Lamictal induces hives and vomiting.  Depakote causes dyskinesia.  Lithium ruined the thyroid and causes acute renal failure.  Medicine.  Ha ha.  Organ roulette.

      So the observation about different species of depression is that while for a decade-and-a-half I experienced what seemed like purely biochemical, chains-around-my-heart, tar-and-shark-filled, basements-beneath-basements depression.  This feels more like a rational(?) depression, which has me concerned about whether it will be responsive to biochemical therapy.

       
    • By Isaiah2017
      I'm having a hell of a hard time and experiencing rather weird symptoms. Whether they've anything to do with Mirtazapine (Remeron) is something that I strongly feel but can't quite convince any doctor of.   I was put on 15 mg of it in spring 2015 for depression and a severe insomnia - I hadn't slept an hour like since 25 nights back then! The benefits showed immediately within a day and surprised myself and my family. I would sleep well and be in a very happy and cheerful mood.   Then however, from summer 2016 I developed some strange food intolerances; caffeine, sugar, fruits containing high amounts of fructose, yoghurt, butter and so on. Eating anything of that would cause me jitteriness and insomnia. I steered clear of those foods.   From autumn last year though, a lot of those food intolerances have relented and it changed into intolerance towards medicines and supplements that I was on; the thyroid medicine for hypothyroidism, Vitamin D, Calcium, Vitamin E and could never again tolerate any new medicine or supplement. Symptoms resulting from these are, again, jitters, insomnia and a strange kind of feeling of being struck on the head, like I can't hear anything and the thinking becomes very unclear and blurred. Coupled with this is a weird sensation that if a medicine has any potential side-effect (even physical, such as urine retention), I get it at all costs. So I'm steering clear of the culprits here too.   However, avoiding the culprits doesn't end my misery, it just helps in avoiding a whole new set of symptoms, because since autumn 2016 I'm under constant brainfog anyway, have heart palpitations immediately after every meal (but worst after breakfast), have concentration and focus issues, lead a life without any hobbies, wishes or desires. Nothing excites me, nothing interests me and nothing catches my attention. Leave tasks pending for months (the most unlike me habbit), have badly lost my sense of humour. My sense of humour was something that I literally used to pride on, and friends from around the world would call me to fresh up if they were having a dull day. My mind feels numb, although it isn´t as if it´s the sedating effect of the Mirtazapine because 90% percent of the nights I don´t sleep well, and on a lot of nights I feel as if I´m asleep with an awake mind!   The GP who put me on it considered it to be just the effects of anxiety and depression and recommended the doubling of the dose to 30 mg. When I contested that, given that I´ve my doubts of a lot of these issues being brought upon by Mirtazapine itself, she referred me to a psychiatrist. He too strongly denies of Mirtazapine having any hand to play on it and instead thinks it´ll be best to combine it with another antidepressant for day-time.   He put me on Paroxetine, boom, a flood of side-effects! Then changed to Fluoxetine (Prozac) - third day on it and having weird feelings. The heart poundings are one and is in fact making me very depressed and hopeless!
    • By Adolf
      "Best" as in being effective with fewer side effects. Which ones were the best for you? Which ones did you take? What condition(s) did you treat? What side effects did you get? How did the antipsychotics compare to "conventional" antidepressants?
      Can antipsychotics be an alternative to "conventional" antidepressants? What are the risks? What are the benefits? Do they make you a tomato with time? Psychiatrists prescribe them more often in recent times, it seems.
×
×
  • Create New...