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I have a craptastic relationship with food. But how do you know where to draw the line between disordered eating and an actual eating disorder?

:Trigger:

I'm disgusting. I used to starve myself as a teenager, but at this point I really don't have the ability to care about things or get riled up enough about them to do drastic things. Even as a teenager, at my thinnest, I was borderline overweight. I'd run a few miles a week and still be fat. Even eating healthy. I counted calories. It's a horrible body I've been thrust into and I'm making things so much worse. I have absolutely no willpower and to not eat (for me) requires far more willpower than I possess. I find myself resentful of people who have a compulsion to keep food away when I have a compulsion to shove it in my mouth. Sure, we're both screwing things up, but at least they can go to the store to find clothes that fit. Stores sell their sizes. I'm resentful and I know it's SO fucking stupid of me to feel this way. But I'm angry. And I hate this. (for the record, I'm not resentful of any individuals, just the concept and my luck)

The sight of my naked body nauseates me. I cannot STAND what I see. It's horrible. It's unhealthy. It's so ungodly sickening. But I find myself unable to care.

I've let myself get so fat. And I will never be able to look good. Ever. There will be skin that will never in a million years go away.

And even if I wanted to exercise, I can't because of various bullshit issues with chronic pain in pretty much every bone and joint.

So that leaves my only option as eating healthy

To which I say "pfffffft. Yeah. Fucking. Right".

Healthy food is disgusting to me. Usually. Occasionally I'll snap and get in moods where I become obsessed with eating healthy and then start counting calories. When I want to cut out a ton of fat and count calories in a way that is good, I cannot do it. I either give up because I am a failure or I obsess over making the number smaller and smaller. I don't do this because it never helps me. The Drs say keep a calorie journal. I can't do that. I will never be satisfied with any caloric quantity over 1000. Probably another facet of my all-or-nothing thinking that sometimes takes over.

I don't have the resolve to commit myself to anything.

I don't know if I have a capital P Problem or just an issue. I can't even begin to think how I would address it. I am so ashamed of how I deal with food.

And the 2 things that keep me from losing my mind are drugs and food. And I can stay away from one, but not the other. I have to eat.

I try not to eat if I can't *not* eat shitty food. If it's between a cookie and nothing, I choose nothing.

But then I get so hungry and I cannot, no matter how hungry or nauseous or on the verge of dry heaving, force myself to eat healthy food. The texture is probably the worst part. VegetabIes sicken me. Meat makes me apprehensive about eating an animal. Almost every fruit I like winds up with me covered in hives or with a migraine after eating them. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have no options. "healthy" food has always tasted like utter shit to me.

I think food is my drug. I don't eat to eat. I eat to feel better.

To indirectly soothe.

It's like something's missing in my head and eating good food fixes whatever's missing.

But sdf;lkajd;f laskjdf

I have no idea

It's very late and I can't think straight.

I'm just so goddamn sick of being a visual abomination.

And even more sick of purposefully setting myself up to die young-ish because all i do is shove saturated fats and things I don't digest well into my mouth. If I feel like shit afterward, I'm not as bad of a person for eating the delicious stuff since it ends up making my stomach raw in the end.

This is stupid.

For once, can something in my life NOT be complicated? Please?

I just want to be able to shop for clothes without wanting to beat myself to death for failing so hard. Wanting to SI every time I hear a girl in a stall down the hall say "this size 4 is too big, maybe a 2 would work better".

I know my worth is not defined by my pants size.

But I also know my worth is determined by it.

Everyone says it's not your age, weight, etc. that matters. But it is. Look at the most successful people around. See any morbidly obese women?

Not that you see many women that are powerful, period, but an obese woman? Hell would not only begin to exist, but also subsequently freeze over if that were to happen.

Short men don't become president. Neither do fat women.

I need to care what I look like. Even if I don't want to.

I just want clothing to fit. I don't want people to judge me the second they see me. I don't want to be vain. I'm not cut out for vanity. But, christ....an iota of it wouldn't hurt. How the hell else am I supposed to motivate myself to put the goddamn fork down?

I try to be good. I try harm reduction sometimes. But it's not enough. It's not good enough.

What am I supposed to do when I'm not hungry and some external force seems to be willing my body to go through the motions of walking to, putting money in, and taking shit food out of the vending machine? All the while there's some voice buried deep inside that's likely my voice that's begging me not to. But at the same time, there is no voice. There is only the will for junk food.

And yet, as I write this post, I can't help but think I'm just doing this for attention. I don't actually want help. I just want something special about me.

But I know that's not really true. It's true for part of me, but not the human part.

Maybe I'm just trying to give myself some rationale for letting this continue. If my problem's not *that* bad, then I am correct to leave it be.

But I don't really have a lot of omniscient insight on my current/ongoing situation.

I don't know if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or putting blinders on my eyes so that I don't see the mountain that's directly in front of me.

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I know how you feel. I struggle with weight, body image issues and food.

With how you describe the situation and how much it seems to affect your mental well being I would say it is a big P problem. Do you have a therapist that you work with?

I think the dr. who told you to make a calorie diary is wrong it will only further your disordered eating. Because you punish yourself with food you need to get to the root of why not measure how much you punish yourself each day. Maybe if you can figure out why you have such a destructive relationship with food you can learn to approach food in a more healthy way, I don't mean that in an eating healthy way, that will come in time. I mean more like taking the emotion out of eating.

It seems to me that this is an issue that needs to be worked on with a tdoc not a nutritionist.

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Thank you for the wisdom, Damik. That makes sense.

The Dr. that most recently told me to keep a calorie diary was my psychiatrist. Non p-docs have said to as well.

Now that you mentioned a nutritionist, I actually think it actually might be helpful to see one. I just don't see that happening any time soon. I have way too many doctor appointments that take me away from work as-is. A nutritionist would be helpful because they could teach me better ways to get the nutrients I need. It is difficult when there are so many food allergies and intolerances.

But yeah, therapy is in order for sure.

I'm just too ashamed to open my mouth about it.

I could get so much more out of therapy if I would just open my goddamn mouth.

I can type, not talk.

But then I print out what I've typed and don't have the nerve to give it to the t-doctor....

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I really feel for you. I hope your situation improves. I am overweight too. Almost crossing the border to obese. Ugh. Zyprexa has made me gain some weight recently.

I know what you mean too about printing out posts and not having the nerve to give them to pdoc. Ugh.

That would be my suggestion, but I know how hard it can be. But it can't get any better if you don't give the paper to them right? So, I Know it's not easy, but just try your hardest to give them the print off. You did a wonderful job of describing the pain you go through here in this post. That would be a good starter conversation piece. I wish you the best.

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Marsha Linehan is not skinny. She is quite successful (inventor of DBT). Also, there's that singer, what's her name, Adelle, who is not the model of supreme thinness, either. Many successful opera singers are quite obese.

I don't know the extent of your weight problems. Are they serious enough to consider a gastric bypass? I'd advise counseling before and after (extensive counseling for binge eating disorders) so the gastric bipass doesn't fail. Also, they can cause med absorption problems with SOME meds, so that is a factor as well.

That said, you do have options for support such as OA, RFA (recovery from food addiction which has an eating plan associated with it, but be careful, when I did that, I was like, morbidly obsessed with my eating and miserable)....

I'm slightly overweight, just outside the range of normal. I have an AAP belly and I hate it. I just got done losing like 65 lbs and gained 20 back, I'm now taking metfoormin (if you take AAPs, that might help you, it did help my situation, I've lost about 10 of these lbs).

I fall right on that ED/dx eating spectrum too.... I don't have a diagnosable syndrome other than ED nos, I would think, but I do get body distortion, all the mirrors in my house in the bathroom are covered currently, and obsess on my weight, etc. It really, really sucks, and I totally feel for you. I'm sorry.

Binge eating is considered an ED, so you would technically qualify for one. I am afraid that most binge eating falls under the "ED" category, so were you to be treated for it, most ED programs would surround you with extremely anorexic women which might be triggering. I would suggest working with an ED therapist who specializes in bulemia/binge eating (they are somewhat related, in terms of the disinhibition part) rather than going inpt, though it is an option to stabilize your symptoms.

Please don't give up. You do have options to make your life more healthy. And if you have loose skin afterwards, this can be surgically repaired.

I would suggest at the very least, medical consultation, ED therapist who really knows their stuff, and nutritionist and support groups right now. You sound very hopeless about this and that's bad. I think this may be because you have been trying to "go it alone" for a long time. There is help available to you.

Anna

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Thanks Anna. At 5'3 210# I am quite big.

All the weight is carried in my mid-section, so nothing fits me right. It's abhorrent to me. I would never get gastric bypass though. If I can't do it the right way, I'm not doing it. No one's cutting me open to try to compensate for my lack of willpower.

And surgery to remove skin? That requires money. Insurance doesn't cover that. I don't have a spare $20,000 lying around.

I would honestly be bulimic if I had a properly functioning gag reflex. I can touch my soft palate and not bat an eye most days. Which in the end I guess is a good thing since I'd be using my gag reflex for evil and not good. I'm sure my boyfriend appreciates the fact too, haha.

Part of my problem is that I have zero motivation for ANYTHING. Nothing. I see my disgusting self and shrug and say oh well. :Trigger: :Trigger: 10 years ago, I'd see it and start punching myself or something. I've cut my stomach up before. But now I am incapable of caring enough to do anything about it. It's like I'm too dead inside to care. And the fucked up thing is I'm way less depressed now than I was back when I was obsessed over how I looked.

The only thing I had that ever motivated me was rage. Now that I've mellowed out, I am without a will to change.

I got a male pdoc since none of the females have worked out. I get along with dudes better, so I figured it was a good idea to at least give a dude a try. But now? No way I could ever talk about how gross I am with a guy. I couldn't even do it with the female counselors, let alone a guy.

I don't know how I'm supposed to ever change anything in my life when I can't get the bullshit on the inside to show on the outside. What do I have to do to break my own goddamn will? When I say things aloud, it's the most depressing horrible thing. I sound like I'm insane when I say the things I think. I can't have them come out of my mouth and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm probably going to be my own undoing because I can't bring up anything serious enough to warrant discussion. It's way too stressful for me. I don't want to go into therapy and then leave the session more fucked up than I was when I went in, and that's what ALWAYS happens on the rare occasions I get the gall to mention something. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I am not a histrionic person. I don't know how to communicate that if I bring something up, it damn well matters even if I don't outwardly appear as though it does.

Everything I am is the opposite of itself. I haven't figured out a way to get around that yet. It's like I'm two people constantly fighting each other for power, but the bad side has way more muscle power and stamina.

I've gone absolutely nowhere in therapy in the last 3 years. I've hit a hard, immovable wall. Meds do nothing more than keep me from killing myself. I am unable to grow as a person because I am still fucked up. No med comes close to fixing the shit that's wrong in my head.

ETA: I'm reasonably sure I have gender dysphoria. This further complicates the issues I have with the body I'm in. Plus the derealization. It's just one thing on top of another on top of another on top of.......

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  • 5 weeks later...

Marsha Linehan is not skinny. She is quite successful (inventor of DBT). Also, there's that singer, what's her name, Adelle, who is not the model of supreme thinness, either. Many successful opera singers are quite obese.

I don't know the extent of your weight problems. Are they serious enough to consider a gastric bypass? I'd advise counseling before and after (extensive counseling for binge eating disorders) so the gastric bipass doesn't fail. Also, they can cause med absorption problems with SOME meds, so that is a factor as well.

That said, you do have options for support such as OA, RFA (recovery from food addiction which has an eating plan associated with it, but be careful, when I did that, I was like, morbidly obsessed with my eating and miserable)....

I'm slightly overweight, just outside the range of normal. I have an AAP belly and I hate it. I just got done losing like 65 lbs and gained 20 back, I'm now taking metfoormin (if you take AAPs, that might help you, it did help my situation, I've lost about 10 of these lbs).

I fall right on that ED/dx eating spectrum too.... I don't have a diagnosable syndrome other than ED nos, I would think, but I do get body distortion, all the mirrors in my house in the bathroom are covered currently, and obsess on my weight, etc. It really, really sucks, and I totally feel for you. I'm sorry.

Binge eating is considered an ED, so you would technically qualify for one. I am afraid that most binge eating falls under the "ED" category, so were you to be treated for it, most ED programs would surround you with extremely anorexic women which might be triggering. I would suggest working with an ED therapist who specializes in bulemia/binge eating (they are somewhat related, in terms of the disinhibition part) rather than going inpt, though it is an option to stabilize your symptoms.

Please don't give up. You do have options to make your life more healthy. And if you have loose skin afterwards, this can be surgically repaired.

I would suggest at the very least, medical consultation, ED therapist who really knows their stuff, and nutritionist and support groups right now. You sound very hopeless about this and that's bad. I think this may be because you have been trying to "go it alone" for a long time. There is help available to you.

Anna

Gotta ask... what is an "aap belly"? I tried googling it, but to no effect...

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Atypical anti psychotic belly. Those meds.... sigh. Many of them are weight gainers, and often in the stomach, initially. Then you kind of get fat all over.... Still not happy with my weight atm, and yoga had to go for like 2 weeks which didn't help one bit (back pain/spasm). I'm just getting back into it.

Mirrors still covered.

When unstressed, I do okay with dieting, but man, life is stressful lately. It's hard to resist those eating urges. Sigh.

Anna

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  • 1 month later...

this is basically my life.

you really don't want to be bulimic because it doesn't help with weight loss and it's terrible for you. i'm living proof of that. also it sounds like these binge sessions are really causing you a lot of emotional pain. that sounds like binge eating disorder to me, and you should get yourself to a pdoc right away.

and look, doctors are going to tell you to count calories, eating healthier, and so on but it's not going to help you lose weight until you deal with your mental issues. diet plans are only going to frustrate you even more until you get to the root of the problem.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have a craptastic relationship with food. But how do you know where to draw the line between disordered eating and an actual eating disorder?

I have never seen the difference? They one in the same in my mind?

And the 2 things that keep me from losing my mind are drugs and food. And I can stay away from one, but not the other. I have to eat.

The most important thing is to find another distraction? A Hobby! Something else to obsess about?

And yet, as I write this post, I can't help but think I'm just doing this for attention

I think food is my drug. I don't eat to eat. I eat to feel better.

To indirectly soothe.

This is the definition of an eating disorder, It doesn't matter if you fat, thin or even a normal weight, its an unhealthy obsession of food and weight. Enough to make you punish yourself, emotionally and physically

It's like something's missing in my head and eating good food fixes whatever's missing.

We need another form of release!

I think food is my drug. I don't eat to eat. I eat to feel better.

To indirectly soothe.

Look I am a dietician, who has suffered from eating disorders my entire life. No matter what size you are, we are all going through the same emotional turmoil, and more often then not our answers are the same. So please message me if help with regards to a diet or any other advice!!! I'm always willing

Much love

Ash

xox

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