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So it only took me six months to come out of the cave...


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Hi. That's a start. After 2 decades (seriously) on the Internet you'd never think I'd be nervous about joining a new forum, but this one took me a while.

So I'm "Once Upon A Time", but you can call me Once, or OUAT, or Hey You With The Dog (per profile pic).

The usual pertinent information is mostly in the signature. I'm forty years old, separated (the love of my life chucked me out like a worn-out shoe after 16 years together because he was "tired of dealing with physical and mental illness"... just the latest in a lifelong series of abandonments), no children by choice. Completely terrified to be starting over alone with virtually no support system; the last couple of people left I could call "friends" aren't ones I feel I could call at 2am when I need someone to talk me down from a freakout. I relied on my very outgoing ex to smooth the way for my my lifelong anxiety/panic/shyness when dealing with new people.

Spent the last two years SI in various different ways (after a fifteen-year hiatus, go figure...) and while not too often actively suicidal, more often than not in suicidal ideation/daydreaming/pondering. (Not "they'll regret this when I'm gone" or other revenge-y type stuff, but rather "somebody please stop the world - I just can't take this anymore and want off the carousel".)

DBT and my tdoc keep me hanging on by my fingernails. I had wasted too much time on "endlessly talking" that accomplished nothing (by the end of the session I usually couldn't remember what we'd been talking about at the beginning of the hour) and was looking for a "toolbox" type of therapy that might help me handle feeling horrible all the time and stumbled over her, almost the only DBT person in the area - got the BPD dx which explained a hell of a lot. Maybe it would have saved my marriage if it had been a couple of years sooner and I could have done something about it... :wall:

I'm here with my tdoc's enthusiastic blessing; although an eventual goal is to get me out from hiding behind my computer and into the 3-D world, at least SOME socialization is a start.

Sorry, I don't have any nipple clamps - the ex took all the good toys when he drop-kicked me. Not unexpected, since he's never lacked for attention of the carnal variety and I... um... do. (And it's driving me out of my stinkin' mind. "Flying solo" stalls before the end of the runway.)

Thanks for listening...

Once Upon A Time

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Thanks for the welcomes!

Titania - That is easily the coolest user agreement I've read in a very long time - where do you think I got the reference to the nipple clamps! (Alligator or tweezer?) :devlish: Actually, that's what kept me lurking here for so long instead of the Other Places that were strewn with eggshells, psychological caltrops, landmines, pit traps and more triggers than a Roy Rogers museum. (And of course at said sites, everything short of, and undoubtedly including, wide-eyed fuzzy widdle kitties in beribboned baskets is a trigger that Must Be Respected and tippy-toed around. Head, meet Desk. Desk, meet Head. Get acquainted.) This doesn't mean I am unsympathetic to triggers - I've a list of my own that's as long as... as long as... as a really long thing - but I appreciate the assumption that for the most part although there are plenty of folks around willing to help me with it, it's still MY job to learn to deal with the blankety-blank things.

Although I DO very much like cyberhugs, IF they're honestly meant and not the usual "I don't know what to say so I'll just stick a *hug* on the thread and call it sufficient", and if I'm having a wretched day and all I want is some patsonthehead and cyberhugs instead of the kick in the butt I probably actually deserve(!), I'll make sure to ask for them!

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  • 1 month later...

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to go on hiatus for a while - I just don't have the emotional energy for a forum. I thought I did, hoped I did, I really tried to summon it up but it's not there. As the poem goes (and I'm probably misquoting it, so let's just say I'm paraphrasing), "Courage doesn't always roar; sometimes it's the voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'."

I always thought it was really rude to just drop off the face of the earth if you've got to take a break or leave altogether, so I wanted to stop by and let folks know that I'm still alive and doing my best to fight my monsters, and thank you all for being really cool people (even though - and especially if - you probably think you're not). I'll try again another time.

Blessed Be ~~

OUAT

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