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How do you heal when everything hurts?


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I had a lifetime of abuse that has really messed me up. Things could be worse--I don't deny that--but things are not good either.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to deal with all the shit that's killed me on the inside when talking about it is so very, very traumatic. I think about it and I want to put my fist through a wall. After therapy sessions, all I want to do is find drugs to kill the pain that's stabbing inside of me. But I don't. I don't even have enough motivation and/or money for that. After someone talks about my family, it puts me into mood swings. :Trigger: :Trigger: (Nobody gives a shit that it bothers me so much either. I just need to "get over it" or "stop hiding" from it. Well forgive me if I'd rather not be reminded of the shit that ruined my entire fucking life, even if it means nothing to you. Just leave me alone for fuck's sake. I don't want to talk about them or remember that they exist!! I don't care if they're your relatives and you may or may not care about some of them. I care about some of them too, but I don't want to hear about them because they've become entirely fucked up too and thinking about how he's ruined them breaks my heart even further. They're just fucking kids! And I can do nothing to stop him. Nothing. Things aren't as bad as when I was a kid, but still. Cops don't do anything when there's no bruises, burns, cuts, etc. to show for it. I can't save them. I couldn't save myself, and I can't save them. If I called the cops and they visited, he would take it out on the wife and kids. Cops are useless when the laws don't let them do anything. If I called CPS, my mom would have a complete psychotic break.) When I have to talk about them in therapy, I think about going to his house and slashing his tires. Or neck. Other bad things. I want him to suffer. I want him to hurt and scream and beg me for mercy. Theoretically. I could never do that kind of stuff premeditated. I'm just not that kind of a person,

{end trigger section}

thankfully. I'm only a danger in the heat of the moment, and even then, I'm barely a threat. My fuse is about 100 miles long...it just happens to be attached to a nuclear warhead.

How am I supposed to get over something that I am incapable of processing or dealing with? How am I supposed to work on things when I don't have the coping skills necessary to even acknowledge I have a problem? I pretend everything is ok. If I'm not pretending it's ok, I feel like I'm just making a big scene and looking for attention. But I'm not. I don't think. I don't know. It's very unlikely. My motto may as well be "stop looking at meeeeeeeeeee". I generally prefer if people don't even know I'm there. I just want to be left alone. I don't want attention.

How do you work on this? What can I do? I have zero motivation for anything. My meds suck. All meds have sucked to varying degrees. Nothing helps me get in a place where I can talk about things. :Trigger: I want to fucking kill him.

I cannot be real with myself. To do that would be to kill what is left inside of me.

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Hey AO -

I wish I knew what to say to be helpful - you've obviously been through so much in your life, and it can feel completely overwhelming to even try to talk about it.

What kind of therapy have you been doing? Have you thought about EMDR? Apparently it can be useful for really severe trauma where talk therapy isn't. You can also sometimes find various partial hospitalization programs for severe PTSD, though obviously these are not options for everyone for a variety of reasons. If it were me, I would try to find a therapist who is REALLY experienced in dealing with severe PTSD - someone who's really a specialist.

I know you really don't want to do that, but it might be the best way for you to start to heal.

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Thanks. The new pdoc deals with all of the stuff I have, so hopefully it'll end up working out. I don't have the highest hopes, but at least it's a possibility. I don't know about "severe" PTSD though. I'll have to ask him tomorrow. Maybe I'll just write it on a piece of paper for him.

The concept of EMDR is strange but does make some sense to me. I'll have to inquire about that as well.

Thanks for reminding me that these are good routes to explore. I appreciate it.

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I'm not sure if I have any solutions as such, which may not be what you're asking for here. I processed a lot of my trauma only when I had enough coping skills going on in behavioural therapy to cope with the horrible pain that surfaced. It certainly would seem that you need something with a skills element that is pretty intensive to give you enough support should you want to start digging.

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Tryp had some good suggestions. We deal with the pain by dissociating, which isn't really a wonderful solution either.

We understand the feelings, though (of wanting to hurt people, and of feeling helpless, and of post-therapy-time, and needing to hide it all), so know that you're not alone.

Sorry that it hurts so much. **sends gentle stardust**

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You are really brave to be going through all this, Anodyne. And perhaps you have a group that is helping you as well? I did well with the Children of Alcholics groups - which long ago branched into children of abuse.. and is very serious and often can supply a really tremendous support system. At least you are Looking at it.. Facing it.. and that is already HUGE. In that you are not drugging, or cutting, or eating or disassociating. And honestly, even though you may not believe it now, there is an end to the pain, Because you are NOT going through it now, are you? Now you are learning to reparent yourself, no?

I got some real help from Peter Levine's Waking the Tiger http://www.traumahealing.com/somatic-experiencing/waking-tiger.html which I downloaded as a CD and worked as a program since I could not go to a practioner. I think his work is really transformational. A giant leap forward in the field.

one step forward.. two steps foward

you are not there now....

keep on keep on

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Thank you all.

Going to work on some stress management stuff with new tdoc. He was surprised that no other docs did any behavioural stuff with me. I told him I told the other tdocs I wanted to do that, they said ok, then no matter what, all they wanted to do was talk about my day instead of help me make any progress as a person. I fucking HATE bullshitting. Small talk is not something I will ever learn to appreciate. And it will never address why I'm in their office in the first damned place. So many incompetents....

I can't work on stuff regarding the past until I can learn to not rage after appointments that address it.

If I can ever figure out how to do that (w/ pdoc), then I suppose the trauma can be addressed.

Please gawd please....don't let me run out of health insurance..........

On a positive note, the new tdoc can see me on Saturdays :D Woohoo!!

Thanks again all. You have good ideas.

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