Hello there, my name is Spokety. I"m having trouble dealing with my paranoia. I've been hospitalized way too many times in the past couple of years, especially recently. My symptoms are hard to treat because I'll have 0 paranoia and delusions for months and then all of a sudden I'll believe all these things and next thing I know I'm in a hospital. I've ran down the street naked a couple of times as a "protest" for what I believed was a government that was purposely trying to torture me using anti-psychotics. Another time I tried to go to jail by assaulting a woman in a grocery store. It happens so fast it's so hard for me to control myself and it seems pointless to see a therapist because I'm not paranoid at this moment so I don't know what to talk about. Therapists say that they don't think I can be treated without anti-psychotic medication but I've had some of my worst paranoid thoughts when I was taking medication orally or by injection so clearly that's not a solution. Plus I have side effects of medications that make life a living hell and I'd rather die then live like that. The only medication that doesn't seem to be as damaging is anti-anxiety meds, but I don't know if those will even help with paranoia or delusions. I don't hear voices or have hallucinations which is good, but the other things I have are very bad.
Warning: This is a really long post.
The weird/bad stuff:
So, while my Schizoaffective Disorder is mainly controlled by 3mg of Risperdal twice a day, I still have some weird things happened that I was wondering if anyone else experienced. I hear people calling my name ALL OF THE TIME. I will literally be on the bus and someone will be on their phone through a Bluetooth or something and I will look up and say, "I'm sorry, how do you know my name?" or "Did you call me?" or something. I will be sitting alone and hear my name, watching TV and hear it on the TV, etc. Or I think people are talking to me when they are not. Same thing with people on the bus, walking down the street, etc. I just hear things that are really not directed at me. One time I thought a woman said I dropped my money. I looked around and asked her what she said. She looked at me like I had thirteen heads.
Also, I still hear voices sometimes. They are triggered by certain things. I don't self-harm any more, but on the rare occasion that I do decide to shave my face, they ramp up. Or if I see any razors in the house. Also, in the bathroom, when I'm alone(which is a lot!), when I'm under stress, or if I don't get a lot of sleep. They aren't as intense as they were before. They are more...random. I've started to hear a British voice. I have NO idea what the hell that is about. I have just random chatter that pops in sometimes. They used to be more direct, more command hallucinations. Now it's more like this...hmm. I'll be totally fine and in comes the most random shit. I'll just be sitting there and, I wish I had an example but it's 5:40 am and I can't think of one, but a voice will be like, "Hawaii has warm weather and there's a chicken in the cupboard." What??
Another thing. I get random delusional/paranoid/strange thoughts. I KNOW THEY ARE NOT REAL. My brain has this ongoing fight with me that my room mates have cameras in the house and they are watching me to make sure I am doing well. I counter them with fact checking. I'd see the cameras, it's not realistic, etc. My brain also tells me that my room mate is watching my browsing history, what I type, my journal entries on the computer, because I am borrowing her computer and somehow she can control that. Also, IT'S NOT REAL. But that thought pops into my head CONSTANTLY.
More stuff. I am afraid aliens are going to abduct me. I've had that fear since I was a kid. I am afraid that if I think about it they will just show up and take me! I kind of have this delusion that they or some other supreme being are in my head constantly. So, I've started praying. I feel like if I don't pray before I eat bad stuff will happen. I feel like when I do pray, good things happen. When I don't, bad things happen. Somehow, that it is connected to aliens because that is somehow connected to the all powerful supreme being. I feel like they are in control of everything and I am being controlled and punished. It is TOTALLY DELUSIONAL AND NOT REAL. Ugh.
Depression wise, I am doing the best I have in almost 6-7 years. My command hallucinations are under control, my suicidal urges are under control. I am motivated, taking care of my activities of daily living. I help my room mates take care of their animals, I do chores, I make appointments, I pretty much go somewhere in the city where I live via public transportation everyday despite my physical and mental health problems. I was in college and getting all A's, but had to withdrawal because of medical health problems. I am not letting my mental health issues stop me.
So, I am thinking about bringing this post to my therapist this Wednesday. Honest opinions, folks: good/bad idea? Will I get sent to a hospital? I didn't bring it up to my Psychiatrist last week because I was afraid of being involuntarily committed or put on a sedating medication. My Psychiatrist is really nice and said if I needed to see her sooner, I could. I told her about the voices and that I didn't want to be put on another medication. She said it was fine. However, I am afraid that these symptoms will get worse and debilitating. I want to catch them while they are at the stage where I can handle them.
Thanks for reading!
With my recent med changes, one thing I have noticed is that I am getting less proper delusions which are, by definition, false and fixed ideas, and which for me are frequently very compelling, and more little thoughts that pop into my head which lack the force of delusions, are not really fixed, are only entertained momentarily if at all, and are only weakly compelling if at all but which at the same time are clearly paranoid in content; for every clear delusion I get I now get more of these kinds of thoughts. However, I have never seen a distinction being made between delusions and weaker thoughts that are still clearly psychotic in nature. So what are these? They are clearly different from thoughts I have had that were obviously delusions, but they are not things I would think outside of a psychotic episode.
(For examples, contrast the thought I was having at Starbucks today, that someone would tamper with my tablet and/or my coffee if they left my sight for even a moment, which lasted the whole time I was there, and which led me at one point to dispose of my coffee because it had indeed left my sight, with the thought I had earlier today when I was locking up my work laptop and leaving for another part of the building that someone would break into my machine, where the thought appeared momentarily and then vanished without being entertained and with no influence on my actual behavior.)
In the last four months and especially the last month, I have had many odd, sometimes bizarre, beliefs (ranging from non-bizarre ones like that everyone is watching me to ones like someone will poison my coffee if it ever leaves my field of vision to somewhat bizarre ones like that there is an invisible being in the toilet watching me or there is an invisible being watching me as I attempt to go to sleep) that pop out of nowhere, are false, do not really respond to reason, and which I oftentimes feel compelled to act on. An important note is I have insight.
My pdoc and tdoc call these delusions, and I have used their language consistently. However I have had people from around here object because I have insight, since to them delusions necessarily involve a lack of insight. So if they are not delusions, what are they? (I should note that I am also hallucinating constantly, and that both this and the hallucinations have responded to AP in the past.)