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What are these symptoms of? (long post)


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Quick intro, not a new member but was off the boards for a while, came back but changed my nickname as I think my old work knows/knew my nick.

Not sure where to post this, here is ok. I've had a history of previous major depression, previous mild SI, currently mild depression in the long term (dysthymia), situational depression and a lot of anxiety lately about things that previously weren't all that triggery.

I'm not seeing a pdoc/tdoc, been there done that for several years, done therapy individual as well as group, courses on emotional distress, mindfulness, blablah all that. Only meds I take is right now is clonazepam and only a small dose when necessary, I have these left from the past when I was seeing a pdoc/tdoc. But anyway I find I'm taking it more and more often because of my increased anxiety.

I wanna know what this is, these are the symptoms / feelings / things that make me feel like crap:

- procrastination with big and small things due to lack of confidence in myself, feelings of hopelessness (both about big and small things, about my short term future as well as my long term future), thinking nothing will work out anyway so why try? <--- this is kind of ridiculous since I have a degree and graduated with first class honours. Despite that, I have low confidence and self esteem about myself. (I've been unemployed for several years, now a SAHM single).

- starting something (a course) or getting prepared to start something (gathering materials for scrapbooking, sewing), but never get going, and if I do get going, never get very far, and finishing anything.

- seeming to lose days, weeks, months of my life where I don't progress in life (I know this has got to be part of depression/dysthymia). When I start feeling like CRAP (something usually triggers it), I find that I lose chunks of my life where I did nothing, made no progress in life and just wallowed in self pity and emptyness, just laying around in bed and staying in my nightgown for several days.

- forgetting to pay bills when they're due, even though I am trying to protect my credit history. Slackness and sometimes extreme disorganisation. Losing bills and receipts because I'm a messy person, even worse when I feel like crap. I know I should create a folder with pockets for important stuff. I probably have a folder with such pockets somewhere, but somehow I can't make myself go find it and get started. (self defeating behaviour).

- anxiety. My anxiety and occasional panic attacks used to be always triggered by relationship issues with my now-ex, who is the dad of my almost 2-yr old. I've known him about 4 yrs now. He will be in my life forever due to having a kid together. Anyway, there's a whole lot of mess I could write about that, but for now I won't. My anxiety..... as I said my anxiety used to be triggered by fear of abandonment/rejection by him (my attachment figure as I had a crap childhood with a mother emotionally abused me). I know some of this are BPD borderline symptoms.

- lack of pleasure in most things, most of the time. I try to 'snap out of this' wherever possible (which I know aint possible with "major" depression as I've had that, and I don't think I have that right now). A lot of the time I don't do things because I know I won't enjoy it and won't have any feeling of satisfaction so why bother? (that's how I feel, so I don't get started).

- always feel mildly or moderately irritable. Mostly about MESSY house and my lack of housework skills. It's like no matter how much or how little I do, it's always a f*n mess. Having a toddler doesn't help. I can clean up till the cows come home, turn my back for 5 mins and it's like a tornado has been through the house. I try to simplify things by keeping crap UP HIGH so she can't reach things. But run out of places to "hide" stuff.

- wanting to progress in life, having plans of things I COULD do, but always finding an excuse. Or having a valid reason as to why I can't (eg my kid can't go to childcare because she cried too much, meaning many of my plans are ON HOLD, because I wanna do things I can't do with her around, like work part time).

I always feel stuck in a rut, sometimes I get a bout of motivation and before long I hit a brick wall and something fux up my plans and I go back into my shell. Cycle repeats of losing days/weeks/months of my life. Until the next bout of motivation. But it's like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back. I never seem to make any progress and there's always something holding me back that I can't break free from.

Ok that's enough for now. Sorry for the long post. If anyone has anything useful to say, even if they know what this is, please help. Thanks.

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We can't diagnose you, but I'm going to assume you know that. You said you have a history of depression, and it still sounds like depression. It sounds like your suffering from a number of negative symptoms.

I would suggest you just print this out and take it to a pdoc, the right AD would probably benefit you greatly.

Best of luck.

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As Eden has already mentioned, we can't diagnose you, and all we can offer is our lay opinion. But, yeah, it sounds like more depression to me. I have many of the same symptoms. Some things you describe could be ADD, and you should be evaluated for that, but by and large it sounds like depression. All the more so since you already have a history of depression.

I think you should get a pdoc and probably a tdoc, but I understand how useless a tdoc feels when you've been through therapy for years without results (I'm the same). But a pdoc could diagnose you and get you started on some meds that hopefully will help to pull you out of it.

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I agree it would be a good idea to print out your post and take it with you to a dr. Maybe just start with a GP.

Have you previously responded to anti-depressant medication? Have you been on other meds at all? A GP will most likely prescribe you an SSRI and perhaps a benzodiazapene for the panic attacks.

Therapy is also a good idea, but I would suggest that you take one step at a time.

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It won't get better just because you want it to. As everyone said, we're not doctors and we can't diagnose you. I have many of your symptoms and I know how hopeless it all seems, but if you don't see a doctor and get treatment, there is nothing that any of us can do to help you.

olga

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I am sorry to hear about your problems.

I, and I am sure many of us, can relate to your symptoms. I think you really need to go to a psych again. I know how you feel about that too, but don't lose hope. You can still feel good again. There are meds out there that will work better for you than ones you have been on.

I hate going through the med "trials" process. It totally sucks. Sometimes I feel like I don't have time to deal with testing out new crap, and I will just continue on this way, but then I know that is not logical.

If you continue on this way everything will stay the same, you must try and get properly medicated.

I must say, the clonazpam or however you spell it, be very wary of it. It does help for a short period of time, but it really made things get out of control for me, very quickly. The rebound from those is unbelievable. I have never cried souch in my whole life. I cried over a Star Trek episode, and I had already seen it at least twice, and it wasn't even sad! I was a total basket case. But getting off of it requires care and patience as well. Don't try and power through all at once, and get a doctors help!

I'm not a doctor, it's just advice.

Jason

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I think most of what can be said has been said at this point. Unfortunately, as we are not doctors, we can't diagnose you here. Your best bet is to see a doctor and get back into treatment. I am going to close this thread.

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