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I can't go through this again...


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The depression is back. I kept it at bay with ECT for almost a year with a few blips here and there. But this has been three weeks of rapid downward spiraling. I cry all the time, I am in a fog, no energy, terrified of my future (and present), sleeping too much or not much at all, don't want to eat. Why have you come back? It's all my fault, somehow, I know it is. If I were a better person, a less selfish person or something, I wouldn't have this fucking mental illness. Why do I always feel like it's my fault when I am depressed? When I am sane, I recognize it as the illness it is, over which I have some control, but not a lot. I am sorry for rambling on like this, I don't know what else to do. Any kind words or supportive wishes would be appreciated. Thank you.

-Paula

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I am sorry you're feeling so bad. It's not your fault, but I know depression can make you feel that way. But just as with any physical illness, whether we get a mental illness is largely the luck of the draw, and our control over it is indeed limited.

Have you let your pdoc know that you're relapsing?

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I called my pdoc today and we are upping the Lexapro to 40mg. Which seems way high so I am a little anxious about taking it, but I will take anything I need to get out of this hell I am living in. Thanks for your response; it really means so much. To know I am not alone with this.

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I am very sorry that you are feeling so bad. But IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's a disease. As you have said, you have very little control over it. It a disease just like diabetes. Ultimately, it's out of your control. The best you can do is to take it one day at a time.

I'm also suffering now, and I know that it is horrible. I'm glad you called your pdoc. Yes, 40 mg of Lexapro is high, but it is not unheard of. Don't be nervous about it. When do you see your pdoc next? Maybe then he will change your meds. You had ECT in the past. Is that something that you would consider again? Maybe a maintenaince treatment?

Take care of yourself.

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Why do I always feel like it's my fault when I am depressed?

Because depression overwhelms any rational thought. It seeps into the cracks of our brain no matter how hard we try to fill them with meds & positivity. It trickles in, and before you know it you're engulfed in crap.

But it's not YOUR fault. Definitely not due to you being selfish. Go easy on yourself. I'm thinking about you...

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It's not your fault! I know that the depression and certain people will make it seem that way, but you have a DISEASE, and you did nothing to "deserve" it, you're not a bad person, and you did nothing to bring it on. you have to remember that. just remember that you're not alone in feeling this way, and I hope you start to feel better.

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