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Dealing with the guilt


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Hi everyone,

I'm new and this is my first post. I'm in a very bad place right now. Let me start by saying I'm Bipolar II. Several months ago I cheated on my husband while I was probably in a hypomanic state. It was a one time thing and it's over. I told my husband right after it happened. It took a while, but he seems to have mostly forgiven me. I just can't forgive myself. It's all I think about. I wake up in the morning and the first think I think about is what a terrible person I am. I have trouble falling asleep because of the thoughts. Once I do fall asleep, I sleep 11 hours a day because it's the only time I'm not completely riddled with guilt.

I was taking Celexa and Abilify at the time and I'm convinced the Celexa put me in the hypomanic state. I was also shopping too much at the time too. I'm off of the Celexa now and I feel much more stable. I'm not trying to lay the blame elsewhere. I know what happened was my own fault, but the hypomania (along with some alcohol) sure lowered my inhibitions. I'm very careful how much I drink when I'm away from my husband since then.

I know I deserve to feel miserable and I'm not looking for sympathy. I hurt my husband so badly and I would rather die than do it again. I just need to be able to move forward for the sake of my marriage. I have become extremely needy, looking for affection from my husband all the time to assure myself he has forgiven me. The sleeping has become a problem too. How do I forgive myself enough to function and not ruin my marriage even more than I already have?

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I had been seeing a PDoc who does talk therapy, I had to switch because of an insurance change. Now I have a PDoc who is pushing 80 years old and his advice was "things will go a lot better if you keep yourself for your husband." Thanks, Sherlock. Hubby doesn't really want to do couples counseling. I tend to agree. He went with me to see my former PDoc and all she wanted to do was dig up details about what happened and that made things worse.

What's strange is that I didn't really feel all this guilt until after I stopped taking the Celexa. I felt bad for hurting my husband, but not this oppressive type of guilt.

I could probably use to see a counselor, but I don't have one right now.

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This is one of the reasons that meds AND therapy are recommeneded for treatment of bipolar - learning to deal with the shit that we did while episodic. In this instance, couples counseling might be a good idea, too. In any case, therapy is probably your best way to get out of the hole.

ETA: Cross post.

Maybe stopping the Celexa has allowed some depression to start. This is something to talk to your pdoc about, including timeline and extent of your emotions.

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As a refprmed cheater, I feel your pain. It really sucks. My ex was a douche, totally, and I still felt bad because really, it was outside my normal realm of character.

I really too think therapy for you would be a good idea, to further educate yourself about bp and symptoms.

I get preforgiveness from my husband if I ever cheat while manic. I think that is like, extra nice of him. Not that I would, I think I have a good handle on that now. But, it lets me know that he truly "gets" it. He's like, if you ever did that, I know you would feel like shit, so I would try to help you through it and feel better, not worse.

If some pdoc told me to save myself for my husband I am afraid I would break down in giggles, and call him an archaic douche, just for using that language. Heh.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Anna

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