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I'm starting to feel wrung out


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I've put myself into a position where I have no room to screw up. I need to get my school work done so that I can do my student teaching in January. I have a lot of hard deadlines I need to meet, on of them is coming up at the end of the week and I'm behind. I'm back at work, sort of, and so I don't have the time to do my school work during the day.

I'm feeling overwhelmed at work and DH keeps expecting me to be better faster than I am. I don't know I'm worried that I'm not going to hold all the pieces together and I can't afford it. The thing is I've only gone to work twice so I'm just being a baby.

My pdoc wrote me a new px for klonopin so I could take it twice a day and all I could think about yesterday was picking it up and ODing. But it was only 60mg and even added with alcohol isn't enough to kill me. That is what really scares me I keep getting the idea to die but if I make a mistake I don't have the time or resources to recover. I'd have to do it right.

I can't even be in a bad enough position to go IP. I don't have the time or money.

I need to pull myself together. I think I made a mistake putting so much on my plate.

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Reading your blogs, I really feel like you've taken on so much to please your husband. That's just not going to work in the long run for you or for your relationship.

I know you need more money coming in, which is why you're trying to work, but so do most of us. Sometimes you just have to make do for the sake of your health. Whatever it takes.

It sounds like school and your mental health are what need to be your priority long term. It sounds like working is taking on too much.

You can't magically make the meds work or think yourself stable, but you can have a long, honest conversation with your husband about what your are and are not capable of right now. If he gets angry or refuses to understand, take him into your next pdoc or tdoc appointment and have them explain. Maybe he'll take them more seriously than he's been taking you. You need to take care of yourself first, and some of that may include advocating for yourself in your relationship in ways that aren't comfortable.

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I think you should take a look at your life and decide what you are comfortable cutting out. It doesn't have to be school or work. I don't know if you do the housework, but for example, maybe you could cut out housework and have your husband do it. In any case, you must make changes to get your level of stress down to a level that you can handle. Also, don't add to the stress by thinking that you "have to do this" and you "have to do that." Look at it as a choice. If you can do that, you're level of stress will fall considerably. But the important thing is to cut as much stress out of your life as you can. You know what you are capable of. Don't take on more than you are capable of. That is a receipe for disaster.

EDIT: Rather than thinking about suicide, think about giving something up. Your life is more important than anything else. And the impact will be far less to give something up than by commiting suicide.

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