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Just feel like posting, even though I feel nothing I have to say has any validity


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Wow, I hate myself. Am scared to do anything, thus I stay in my room all day on the computer. I need to get out more, can't tell if the depression and anxiety is making that hard or it's just me. It's hard to separate my illness from me. It feels like I am depression or I am anxiety. I guess I am putting this out there to hear somebody's voice besides my own. I am in therapy and taking my meds as directed. I can't keep feeling this way. There is no way out it seems.

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You are not depression and anxiety. It's a disease; it doesn't define you. Imagine yourself without depression and anxiety. The person you imagine is the true you. It sounds to me like you are being kept prisoner by your disease just like I am. Don't give up hope. Sooner or later we will find a way to beat it.

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I think you should get on the phone to your pdoc and discuss your meds. You shouldn't be feeling this way. It's not you, and it's not your fault. There is a way for those feelings to go away.

Good luck, and remember that there is always someone here to listen if you need to talk.

N

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You are not depression and anxiety. It's a disease; it doesn't define you. Imagine yourself without depression and anxiety. The person you imagine is the true you. It sounds to me like you are being kept prisoner by your disease just like I am. Don't give up hope. Sooner or later we will find a way to beat it.

jt07 has some great advice. You are not your disease. Don't give up hope!

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I am another who think that jt07 said it all.

When I was depressed, one of the biggest things that helped me was separating my illness from my personality. This might be something worth bringing up in therapy. I had to work out what was me and what was my illness, then not act on the feelings that were only there because of my depression.

You are not your illness, and you should not let it define you.

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All of the above. This so is not you. You got dealt some tough brain chemistry, but you are fighting the fight. It sucks but it can be won. I hate it too, but on my more enlightened days I realize that it makes me a more perceptive person. Most people can't really understand the full range of emotions that the mentally interestng do. It is a strenghth. Stay strong.

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Malachite,

I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly. Recognize the depression for what it is.

We have blogs here at CB. They are geared more towards members providing each other more personal support. The boards are geared more around questions. On the blogs, communities develop which you could become a participant. I think you'll like the feedback you could receive. This post is a good example of one more appropriate to blogs than the boards. No problem. I just want believe you would enjoy another valuable feature of CB. If you have any questions about setting one up, just contact staff or an admin.

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You hate your disease, there's no reason to hate yourself. No matter what.

This quote has helped me cope, replace "bipolar" with your diagnosis: "I'm not bipolar, I have bipolar disorder."

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I agree with everyone. It's hard to believe, when we are so immersed in the effects of our MI, but it is true. We are not our illness.

"I'm not bipolar, I have bipolar disorder."

This is why I always write it that way. Back when I called myself bipolar, that was all I could see myself as. To me it isn't about being PC or mere semantics. It is at the root of how I see myself. I am a person with brown hair, green eyes, and bipolar disorder. I am not a bipolar disorder.

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Malachite -

From the looks of your member sig, you've been fighting this for a long time, and tried lots of different meds, and probably been disappointed by the results many times. It can be dispiriting to try, and try, and try and still find yourself looking up from the bottom of a deep, deep pit with slick sides while the freshwater eels swarm around your ankles. You're one of the many guests who spend time at the Abyssal Inn, and I'm right here with you. But the thing about the Inn is that almost nobody stays forever. Everybody goes home eventually; some sooner, some later. Some go, then return for a while, then leave again. You noted that your last major episode was treated successfully with ECT - how long did the relief last? ECT isn't a one-time-cure-all; if it worked for you, would you consider going again?

The previous respondents have made an important point, that you are not your illness, and your illness isn't who you are. But I've been in the grip of MDD + dysthymia for 40+ years with very little relief, so I would add a caution: If you're not careful, you can allow your illness to shape you. Friedrich Nietszche wrote, "If you gaze too long into the Abyss, the Abyss gazes into you." I gazed too long, and the way I see the world, the way I see myself, is darkened - in spite of more than two decades of quite good therapy and some of the stoutest meds science has so far brought to bear. The darkness is partly because I came to believe that I could never be free of the depression, and the way that the depression caused my life to turn negative, which increased the depression, which etc. etc. right down the vortex. The difference is that although my current meds keep my nose above water, I've never had any real relief. If you had good results from your ECT, then you have something I've never had - you have proof. There is a way out for you, and perhaps more than one. You'll always have a room down here at the Abyssal Inn if you need it, but you're not going to stay for good.

Cerberus

Abyssal Innkeeper

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