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Since I was a little girl I always felt there was a greater meaning for me, that I was going to seriously defy all paradigms and trends and be as unique as I could be, because I was special. My mother and brothers took care of beating that belief out of me and by the time I was 9, I was determined to get the hell out of that toxic environment. Early on middle school or so, I came across the idea that we are "supposed" to finish school, go to college, find a mate, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, and grow a family, all this while looking fabulous. So I have made part of this checklist a reality, with the added bonus/goal of me getting the hell out of my childhood home.

Finished school - check

College - check

Job - check

Get the hell out - check

Marriage - check

House - check

Divorce - check

Date someone else who cares about me - check

I hate my day job. I find it so meaningless and empty sometimes, but I'm good at it I think. I've been doing it for 14 years.

I hate my look, I'm 120 lbs. overweight and I'm dating someone who is grossly overweight, too. He has kids, and they are great, but frankly, if we break up tomorrow, those kids won't come knocking at my door any time soon. I'm disposable in their lives.

I'm not understanding what's the fucking point at this stage in my life? I'm working like a slave to pay bills for crap that I have purchased in the past (probably to fill a void), I don't have any hobbies, my family and friends are all very, very, very far away, everyone's busy with their own crap, I'm alone with a full house and completely lost on what's next or what's the point about keeping on going...

I guess I don't get towards what I'm supposed to go? I can appreciate the beauty of nature and a good conversation with acquaintances, music gives me goose bumps and I have tons of empathy to share.... but I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Like I don't have the next item on this checklist to go after.

What the fuck I'm supposed to do? Grow old and get dementia and end up in a nursing home drooling my days away?? - No fucking way. I want a heart attack that kills me before I can feel anything. Or perhaps keep living a dull live to see if something latches on my curiosity and I'm dug out of this hole?

Am I depressed? Is this a life crisis? Am I out of hope? I don't want to take any meds to cure anything, and I want to do is understand.

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I get where you're coming from. I feel that way a lot of the time too. I can't seem to find anyone to treat me decently and Im 37 now so have come to accept I won't have kids. Although it still cuts me to the core. I've gone to uni as mature age student, I work, I have some great friends. But life didn't turn out even close to what I wanted and I'm scared of the future.

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Welcome to Crazyboards. It sounds like you are having a real crisis in your life, and I agree with y58 that seeing a therapist will help you to sort out your questions and start looking for answers. Please stick around and post again if there is something we can help you with.

olga

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