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Ok, this is my first post on here so sorry if I seem like a newbie as...I am.

Anyway, I have been feeling extremly low for the past 5 years, i am now 16. Over the past 3 years I have felt suicidal and recently even more so. However now instead of spending half of my time (mainly in lessons) creating my own death I imagine me murdering others in various imaginitive ways and how to not get caught. I get a bit of a buzz from it.

I have always had a morbid fascination with death but now I feel like something is taking me over and bringing these morbid thoughts to a whole new level. When I feel these moments coming on everything turns numb and i go into cold sweats, I get a rush of energy that seems to twist in my stomach and brain and my eyes feel like they're going to explode out of my head. I struggle to control these feelings but I know that if I let them take me over I would just go on a murderous rampage, then kill myself, thats not something I particualarly want to do as I am a high achiever at college and get good grades...I have my entire life ahead of me. I dont want to ruin my life by giving in to the demands that whatever this thing is, is creating, but I dont know how to go on!? I have also started talking to these feelings like they are a creature because whenever i feel like this it kinda feels like I'm getting possessed or something.

Recently I think I had a complete breakdown where I struggled to get out of bed every day for 2 weeks and spent my time finding new ways to self harm both sexually and through cutting myself, I am now left with the scars to prove it. But whenever I feel like Im getting "depressed/possessed" the thing that takes me over tells me to cut myself sending me on a mission of self destruction but deep down I dont want to do this! Who can I turn to without this going on any personal records or ruining my future?

Is this normal for my age/ is there a diagnosis of these symptoms? Please help!

Thank you.

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If there is an adult you can trust, go to that person and ask for help. That would be a start. You don't have to suffer alone. It sounds like you're in pain and while we can't diagnose you here it's obvious you're hurting. Find someone who can help in your life because that's the best way to get some relief and live out the dreams you have for yourself.

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Asking for a pdoc referral from your regular doctor would be one way. As for your fear about negative things ending up in your medical file or ruining your future, what's in the doctor's files is confidential. It would be foolish indeed to keep yourself from effective treatment out of a fear that somehow the information would leak out. Doctors have strict rules about protecting patient privacy and leaks have never happened to me. It's important that you be completely open to your pdoc, like an open book. Otherwise you can't receive all available treatment for your problems. Good luck

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I do think you should see a psychiatrist.

You are 16, can you talk with your mom about your extreme depression and ask her to help you see a psychiatrist? Are you insured through your parents? You need someone - an adult whom you trust. Or go see you GP or family doctor. You need to tell your doctor about the suicidal thoughts, and maybe indicate that you have violent thoughts.

No, hon this is not normal.

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You can talk to both a therapist and a psychiatrist and be assured that they will never reveal this to anyone now or in the future. If they would they would be voilating the law. The law exists so that people will get help and tell their doctors everything. If the law did not exist, no one would go to get help.

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If you are in college, most likely there are counselors who can either help or get you a referral to a doc who can. A lot of four year colleges and universities have medical centers which sometimes have a psychiatrist on site. None of the info is public nor will be shared with your family.

Having thoughts does not mean you act on them. Getting a charge out of those thoughts doesn't mean you need to make them real. People have all types of thoughts every day, even mentally ill people, without acting on them. What's going thru your head is not healthy, but you don't have to make it real. It doesn't mean that you want to make them real, either. Posting here and wanting help says you don't.

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I don't think you are a psychopath, no. We cannot dx you, but what you have described her can be adequately and accurately treated by a good pyschiatrist and therapist, and you will feel much better. The symptoms could be from a lot of different disorders, but remember they are SYMPTOMS of something, not the real you. Once you get those symptoms treated and controlled, you will very likely feel much better.

Please find a pdoc and therapist ASAP this sounds rather painful.

Anna

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I also don't think you're a psychopath, and like it's been said we can't diagnose you here only a Psychiatrist can. I would find a reliable adult to talk to about this, see your general practitioner about getting a referral to a Psychiatrist and do it from there. Therapy sounds like the best option for you, it's scary at first but it's possible.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Are you still planning your own funeral, tolby?

Yes, but now I've basically planned everything my mind wanders to me arranging other people's funerals/deaths.

Think things are getting worse as I can't stop thinking about killing. It takes so much energy to stop myself from going on a killing spree, I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. I really struggle when I'm in public spaces. But at the same time I feel like these thoughts are not mine. They are the thoughts of a thing inside me ( called triste), this means I have to fight him through myself, if that makes sense?

I know that I will have an assessment soon, no appointment has come through yet, but a growing part of me is demanding I pretend I'm all right and that this was just a phase that cleared up so I can go on living my life and kill whenever I please without being a suspect as a result of having a mental illness that makes me want to kill others and myself. What should I do? This question isn't new to me... When I was 14 I was thinking about turning myself into the police as a result of me wanting to kill mysf and then going around my school, killing anyone I could find.

I guess the only thing stopping me has been the lack of assess to weapons e.g guns (in the uk they aren't that easy to get hold of.) I suppose I'll have to be inventive. I ordered some rope online...never know when it'll come in handy....

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you really need to get in to a pdoc or tdoc. I get obsessive thoughts of killing people and even 'get a kick out of it'. it isn't healthy for either of us to think this way. please see if you can speed up the time it takes you to see a pdoc/tdoc.

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I'm not sure how ling it will take, a social worker just said they'd get back to me ASAP to make an appointment for an assessment bur that was a while ago. I have an appointment with my gp next Monday but they don't know anything about me. Part of me (triste) wants to keep it that way but I recognise I need help.

Exl2398, It's good to know someone else gets a 'kick' out of planning people's deaths etc... Out of interest what stops you from actually killing?

Should I pretend, on Monday and eventually in my assessment, that I'm alright so I can kill whenever I want???

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I'm speaking to the part of you that knows you need help. No, you should not pretend you're alright so you can kill whenever you want. Maybe you can't see it now, but hiding it is a trap that keeps you from being healthy. If it was me I would call the social worker and push for an appointment right away. I would also tell the social worker and Monday's doctor that I was homicidal. You may get an earlier pdoc/tdoc appointment if you are honest.

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It's very tempting to be honest with my gp on Monday as I can feel that I'm getting worse just doing nothing but the homicidal part of me will kill me if I tell the doc's. If I explained what I've said on here is there a chance that I'll be sectioned? I want to lay my cards carefully, if that makes sense?

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