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What am I supposed to do?


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What do you do when it's not serious enough to require medical attention, but you have nobody to babysit you and put your mind in another, better place?

I'm plagued with this obsessive desire to break my fingers, hand and wrist and I know I will hate myself for doing this, I know it's not right, but I'm having so much trouble quieting my head. Every thought races, I'm too tired to move but I can't sit still, my lips are raw and scabbed from biting them so much...

But I don't want to seriously and irrevocably hurt myself. I'm not suicidal, I don't see the point in going to the hospital. I'm between pdocs so I don't even know who I'm supposed to call about this and student health doesn't have a resident pdoc anymore. The counseling center AND student health will be closed by the time I get out of this class and campus security has better things to do.

I can't justify going to the hospital, I have no friends, no pdoc, just the internet and a busy roommate. I know I don't want to do this in the long run and I'm going to regret it if I do but it doesn't make it go away. I want it to hurt and it needs to hurt. I'm a terrible student and I complain too much for my own good. I have a good life, a great family, things could be so much worse.

I don't know. What am I supposed to do?

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Hey, I'm not sure I have any good ideas, maybe call a helpline to talk, or family, or maybe bug the room mate into a conversation? Or try to distract yourself with something mentally challenging, or something that might soothe you for a while? or maybe log into chat with us for a while?

Breaking bones causes a lot more problems than it alleviates, if we can get through the urge, that would be a good thing. Can you say more about what is hurting right now? What is going on emotionally for you? I'd like to validate that things have sounded tough for you for a while. You've every right to feel this way. We just need to get your through this relatively unscathed.

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I think it helps if someone validates your feelings, so here I go: You have every right to be feeling how you are, and it's not your fault.

You are NOT a terrible person. It doesn't matter how good your circumstances seem. This is about what's going on in your head. You aren't okay. I've had people tell me "but you have a perfect life. Why would you be depressed?". That's not how it works. Just because things seem to be alright doesn't mean that they are.

Also, I think I know how you feel, because I spend a lot of my time in a similar situation. I'm feeling awful, but I'm not suicidal or anything, so it's not bad enough to bug my DP/PDoc/anyone else about, and I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to. I don't really ahve any constructive advice except try to sleep on it, don't do anything reckless, etc. Your sig says that you're a writer, so maybe you could blog about your feelings? Or just write them down. I know it's silly, but sometimes I write rubbish poetry, just to get the feelings out. Hell, it helped me sleep last night, when everything felt crap. Come on the chat here, and there ought to be someone around just to chat to. Call a friend. Even if you don't want to offload all your thoughts and feelings onto them, could you just tell them that you're feeling bad and you'd like to talk for a bit? It oucld be about anything, just a distraction.

I hope something out of that helps, even if you can just feel that you're not quite so alone in feeling this way.

I hope you feel better soon,

N

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I explained a lot of this in my blog and probably should have done more here to specify.

I don't really know what's wrong with me. I was seriously fine through most of last week and then on Friday it felt like I had an entire army of people stacked against me. I don't really have anything to be flipping out over; my homework load has been minimal, I've had time for myself, etc. It was just really sudden for me and it's been meltdown after meltdown. I didn't really start feeling self-punitive until about four days ago.

I've had SI problems in the past with cutting, but for some reason I'm not feeling any of those urges. I don't know why I want to slam a door shut on my fingers or why I wanted to cut my head open by smashing the window outside of B&N yesterday. I don't know what it is and that's what freaks me out.

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I talked to my mom. She was fairly gentle and didn't get flustered with me, but I'm still a bit on guard. Last year when I said this sort of thing, the reality and severity didn't really set in so much for her until 24 hours later. I've tried to get in touch with several people on campus, but it feels like a game of 89 hurdles just to see somebody. "You have to wait until Friday for an appointment. I need you to fill out this packet of paperwork before I can even consider putting you in the book. We don't have a psychiatrist on campus, but I can refer you to one..."

Nothing seems immediate enough.

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