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am i being abused?


sprngchckn

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im a 29 year old male and here is my concern:

basically i met this guy a year or two ago who is a friend of the family and he protected me against a guy who was going to harm me. he seemed nice and caring and generous ESPECIALLY with money. i was nearly homeless and i "asked" him if i could share with him and he said YES and AGREED. i "asked" him coz ive got no real close friends. and im a bit of a loner. BUT then *slowly* his character and behavior changed. he started to call me a "lier" even though im not and saying he will do "this" and "that" with his money but 9 times out of 10 it DOESNT happen. basically when he is nice and generous it always involves money.

i later find out that his family background is bad. like he was abused and ran away from home and had to go to a foster family. then was "abused" there aswell. i wont go into detail about the abuse. his rough and acts like he has too much testosterone. he has a job as a laborer and thats where he gets his massive amounts of money. he has told me he has changed his life when he was 13 or so as in looking forward to improving his future by getting a job while the rest of his family doesnt give a damn about him and they never see each other.

he said im his family now blah blah.

its just he does good things aswell as bad and i feel like im being manipulated by him and afraid he "might" start to "abuse" ME. ive got mental illness so i dont know if this falls into "paranoid".

sometimes NOT always he'd be nasty verbally and later on the day he would be "nice" and caring. and so forth. most times he'd *only* be nasty when he "thinks" im being rude to him when i feel im not?

since my mental illness i never go out and socialise with people much so i dont know if this type of behavior is to expected from a relationship?

i "feel" he is only pretending to be nice and that he has a "VIOLENT ABUSIVE BAD" side to him. thats where the nice then nasty or nasty then nice personality comes into play.

am i just getting to know him? am i being emotionally abused? or am i just being paranoid?

should i get away from this guy?

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it doesn't sound like a happy arrangement, at any rate.

i'm wondering this - if you had money of your own, what place would this man have in your life? would you be there every day anyway? (this is not a criticism - i've had to ask myself this same question).

it isn't "normal" for someone to be verbally abusive because he "thinks" you're being rude. even if you were being the rudest jerk possible, "healthy" responses to that don't involve hurting you in return. just because someone's feelings are hurt, or they're having a bad day, doesn't mean it's acceptable to be abusive in any way.

the generosity with money (that is unpredictable) is part of that classic cycle of abuse. it works especially well on someone who has no money or resources. if you're desperate, you're likely to be grateful for the "generosity" and try to forget everything else. he knows that.

if you have any means to live elsewhere, i'd be looking into that. then, if you'd still like to spend time with him, great. but you'll be truly free to make that choice, because you don't "need" him. a year really isn't a long time to know someone, but i think it's long enough to get a clear picture of what life with this man would be like. i'm sure you want and deserve better than the arrangement you have now.

good job on asking for feedback, really i mean that. too many of us who don't have a real mental model for healthy relationships let things go much, much further into codependency and become trapped. you are far from trapped! and you're healthy enough to know something's not right. that is a huge deal. you have lots of healthy relationships/friendships to look forward to in the future (even if it feels like that's not true).

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Guest Vapourware

Personally I think that if you are uncomfortable in any way in a relationship, then it's probably a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. I'm pretty bad with the whole concept of what constitutes "abuse" myself [my personal history with others is not stellar], so I'm hesitant to offer any labels regarding your situation. However, I would say that the unpredictable behaviour towards you - nice one day, nasty the next - and his use of money towards you does not strike me as good foundations for a healthy, stable and respectful relationship.

Relationships are meant to make you feel good about yourself. If you being made to feel bad about yourself, then you may want to reconsider why you are in the relationship.

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If it raises your flag enough that you are asking us the question then that's a sign that you should research your area and see what resources are available to you. Does that mean leaving? Not necessarily. But it does mean finding people who can see the physical signs and step in as required to make a relationship with now in case it gets worse. It may not get worse, of course, and if it were to be static like this would you be okay with it? If no, then it's time to make a safe exit plan.

It's hard.

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i feel that coz of my mental illness he is taking advantage and the fact he has had a pretty awful childhood and that he had the choice of abusing drugs like his brothers and sisters but instead has "reformed"??

ive moved away from him at the moment but he still wants me to live with him and even "offered" to buy a house we can both live in? im afraid if i live with him again he will start to *abuse* me and it will get unbearable...

he is a playa with women and YES with his money. like buying them expensive gifts etc etc

look i dont know if im being paranoid. coz i know one of the symptoms is that u feel people arent being themselves? and i feel he is not being himself. like he pretends to like certain women to get them in bed so how do i know if he is just pretending to be nice and that with me coz he wants something from me?? he has been through a couple of divorces where he "claims" he LEFT her coz she was being unfaithful etc etc. then i find out(dont ask how i know) that it was actually his wife that divorced him? he told me he has a few children.

when i say he is nasty "verbally" coz he "thinks" im being rude to him, i noticed when we hang out that even people in the shopping centre or on the road he gets "agro" with them if he thinks their being rude to him aswell. he has nearly been in a lot of fights like roadrage when ive been with him.

he wants me to respect him coz he is "older" and when i asked why he was being nasty to me for being rude he replied "well u should tell me off aswell" and so forth. he wants me to challenge him and be an adult coz i dont do that?

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Is this a sexual relationship? Are you his boy toy? There seems to be an inequality of power in your relationship. Maybe you should focus on caring for your self and give this relationship some space until you have more clarity.

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If you're worried about his potential for violence, then that's a flag.

If you're worried about moving in with him and its potential to get worse, then DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM! You should only move in with someone if you think that things will get better. Not worse.

If that makes you homeless then it's time to cast around for shelters and other alternatives. Do not get yourself hurt - try to keep yourself safe as much as you can.

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Has

im a 29 year old male and here is my concern:

basically i met this guy a year or two ago who is a friend of the family and he protected me against a guy who was going to harm me. he seemed nice and caring and generous ESPECIALLY with money. i was nearly homeless and i "asked" him if i could share with him and he said YES and AGREED. i "asked" him coz ive got no real close friends. and im a bit of a loner. BUT then *slowly* his character and behavior changed. he started to call me a "lier" even though im not and saying he will do "this" and "that" with his money but 9 times out of 10 it DOESNT happen. basically when he is nice and generous it always involves money.

i later find out that his family background is bad. like he was abused and ran away from home and had to go to a foster family. then was "abused" there aswell. i wont go into detail about the abuse. his rough and acts like he has too much testosterone. he has a job as a laborer and thats where he gets his massive amounts of money. he has told me he has changed his life when he was 13 or so as in looking forward to improving his future by getting a job while the rest of his family doesnt give a damn about him and they never see each other.

he said im his family now blah blah.

its just he does good things aswell as bad and i feel like im being manipulated by him and afraid he "might" start to "abuse" ME. ive got mental illness so i dont know if this falls into "paranoid".

sometimes NOT always he'd be nasty verbally and later on the day he would be "nice" and caring. and so forth. most times he'd *only* be nasty when he "thinks" im being rude to him when i feel im not?

since my mental illness i never go out and socialise with people much so i dont know if this type of behavior is to expected from a relationship?

i "feel" he is only pretending to be nice and that he has a "VIOLENT ABUSIVE BAD" side to him. thats where the nice then nasty or nasty then nice personality comes into play.

am i just getting to know him? am i being emotionally abused? or am i just being paranoid?

should i get away from this guy?

From a quick read, it sounds ambiguous. Has he harmed you physically? Everyone gets in a bad mood at some point. Maybe he is a misogynist, which would turn me off but I do have a very good friend and an amazing person who unfortunately is a misogynist.

Tell him directly about your fears and your concerns. This will only help. If he is an asshole, you will know immediately. If he cares about you, he will be willing to listen and talk.

Remember that EVERYONE has issues to deal with all the time. Pick a moment where both of you are calm and relaxed and then be honest. If you cannot tell him the truth, then either you are paranoid or he is insensitive and maybe even worse. The jury is still out here.

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I'm not sure either, I think a direct talk is important, letting him know the problems you had living with him before, and the behaviors you didn't like, however, I'd be leaning towards staying away from this person, because regardless of his abuse potential problem, it seems to exacerbate your MI. I'd find a more supportive and less explosive living situation, rather than moving back in. IF you are afraid he will get violent if you say no, that is a red flag. Has he ever been physically violent that you have observed?

Anna

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Has he ever been physically violent that you have observed?

no he has never touched me. if u take away the moments where he " thought " i was rude. he's been 9 times out of 10 pretty cool. he acts like his my dad. wanting respect coz he is "older". he wants respect from everyone especially from men and is pretty much a ladies man with women. he doesnt take crap from ANYONE. when i "flip out" he acts and behaves like im too "soft" and i need to "toughen up". when i told him about me being bullied at school he said he used to defend people like me back when he was in school.

i love to hate him. im not sure if he is pretending to be good. i dont want to live with him BUT he keeps pursuing it again coz i "asked" him to share with me before and he agreed.

he honestly is/was a bad ass/bad boy. stealing cars, breaking into peoples homes and YES getting the women. i talked to a few of his mates and when they were at a pub there were a few guys that were hassling a woman, making remarks about sex etc. etc. and "he" defended her and got those guys to back off. again i dont know but he could have done that so he could screw her. she "thinking" he is such an awesome guy for "defending" her.

i would rather be his family than his enemy.

maybe this maybe that. i want to keep a distance but not try to piss him off.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Umm, why do two men living together have to be having sex? Did the OP say that they were having sex? Does it matter if they are having sex?

Nothingness, you were all up in your blog about how being gay is okay and not a sin. What's the whole joke now on this thread, which was dead before you posted on it? I think the OP is homeless and vulnerable and in a difficult position, I don;t think the Op need any of us casting aspersions about his sex life, which has very little relevance here.

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"Seldom does a man pay anothers way without wanting something in return."

Yes, but it doesn't have to be sexual. The older man may like having other people in his power. He may like to dictate what they eat and where they go and what they do. The OP made it very clear that they are both heterosexual.

You, Nothingness, seem to have some sort of obsession with homosexuality. Interesting.

olga

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"Seldom does a man pay anothers way without wanting something in return."

Yes, but it doesn't have to be sexual. The older man may like having other people in his power. He may like to dictate what they eat and where they go and what they do. The OP made it very clear that they are both heterosexual.

You, Nothingness, seem to have some sort of obsession with homosexuality. Interesting.

olga

I guess your right. It could be a dominating/power play and non-sexual. I should of caught that lol!

Yes I guess I do have an interest in homosexuality. Most men won't discuss gay issues out of fear of being labled. I'm pretty comfortable in my own sexuality. Besides, I don't care what people think about me. Guess thats one reason I'm alone? I use to hang out with a wild bunch in the late 80's. I had some sexual experiences but never defected to the lavender team. I just recently found one of those guys on facebook. Lot of fun back then! Lot of drama too! :P

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