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marbles16

"revenge" cutting- slipped up again

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:Trigger: potential trigger... maybe.

i've slipped up 3 times in the past two days. i'd gone maybe two weeks clean until now. but the thing is, this time its much different. it is half revenge and half freedom.

revenge: i have one friend who i tell absolutely everything. we have a scarily close relationship which can be rather unstable at times, like when we both crash at the same time. but in general its extremely supportive. the night before yesterday he decided he had to "take a break from everyone for a bit" so we haven't talked since. he was the one i would tell when i cut and he was encouraging me to stop. hence i was kinda pissed he was ditching when i was crashing and needed him most. so it was a "hah well i'll cut now to get back at you."

freedom: because i'd tell him when i slipped up, i'd feel guilty when i'd do it because he'd be upset/disappointed. when we're not talking, i dont have to tell him, and therefore i don't feel guilty at all. and i feel like i can do whatever i want and nobody has to know.

(stress: i've been trying to help a friend who has started cutting. (biggest hypocrite ever) it got me a little panic-y at one point and i ended up scratching a hole in my arm with my nails. "he" was in the room at the time so this could also be under revenge. the scratch wasn't to bleeding point but its been leaking clear/yellowy fluid for a full day now. weird?)

are either of these reasons for anyone else? also, though i don't feel like i have to stop (no more guilt) i realize i should. i've looked at the alternatives board again but nothings really working cause these aren't the same reasons. not really sure how to tackle this..

~M

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I do the revenge one a lot. My boyfriend, for obvious reasons, always finds out when I've self-harmed, so if he hurts me then I self-harm as "revenge" because I know it will hurt him.

I guess that makes me a terrible person...

Anyway, for me it's a borderline reaction. I see that you have BPD as well, so I'm guessing that it's the sense of abandonment that's making you feel that way? I don't know, that's how it is for me, at any rate.

Hope that helps,

N

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Anyway, for me it's a borderline reaction. I see that you have BPD as well, so I'm guessing that it's the sense of abandonment that's making you feel that way? I don't know, that's how it is for me, at any rate.

Yea i would say abandonment would definitly tie into it.

I do the revenge one a lot. My boyfriend, for obvious reasons, always finds out when I've self-harmed, so if he hurts me then I self-harm as "revenge" because I know it will hurt him.

I guess that makes me a terrible person...

thats pretty much exactly what im doing so i guess we can live in terrible-personness together?

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It doesn't make either of you a bad person. It's a poor form of manipulation that will damage your self respect and that respect people around you will have for you. I have been on the recieving end of that 'revenge' and i left that guy to his own self destruction. He ended up alone. I would be interested to know if you'd be open to DBT which addresses this behaviour?

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