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I make stupid choices and decisions. At least I realize that AFTER I do it and the guilt sets in. But the initial desire to do something crazy, something taboo, something spontaneous is such an adrenaline rush for me. I know it's probably part of my BPD but I'm wondering why I find it so appealing to do dumb shit. I suppose it's just the feeling I get from thinking about doing it that thrills me--anticipation. Is it a desire to feel something? Because it's so extreme, is it just one time in life where I get SOME sort of emotional stimulation and that's why I like it? Just thinking out loud...

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Because it's so extreme, is it just one time in life where I get SOME sort of emotional stimulation and that's why I like it?

That's why I do it. It gets worse when I'm actively depressed.

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I make stupid choices and decisions. At least I realize that AFTER I do it and the guilt sets in. But the initial desire to do something crazy, something taboo, something spontaneous is such an adrenaline rush for me. I know it's probably part of my BPD but I'm wondering why I find it so appealing to do dumb shit. I suppose it's just the feeling I get from thinking about doing it that thrills me--anticipation. Is it a desire to feel something? Because it's so extreme, is it just one time in life where I get SOME sort of emotional stimulation and that's why I like it? Just thinking out loud...

That. That's exactly how I feel. Why I sometimes drive stupidly or drink too much, or take drugs or self harm or... etc. etc. etc. And why I've stopped all of that (except the self harm) because I know it's bad for me. But now I just don't feel anything, or I just feel depressed...

N

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The numbness. I hate being numb. I wonder, too, if the Paxil I have been on for 20 years almost is WHY I feel numb.

Funny, hallowedink, I'm a writer too. I think there are a lot of BPD writers throughout time. I have the BPD, depression, panic, anxiety, OCD, insomnia. I have dermatillomania mostly. Eating was compulsive and bulimic until I had gastric bypass, which is like surgically-induced bulimia. I'm on Wellbutrin. Tried the Lamictal (blurry vision) and the Seroquel (um, I need to wake up sometime in the next five days) I've been through the wringer on all of the meds, too. I'm pretty much at my wit's end with psych meds, therapy, etc. There has to be some other answer.

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The numbness. I hate being numb. I wonder, too, if the Paxil I have been on for 20 years almost is WHY I feel numb.

Funny, hallowedink, I'm a writer too. I think there are a lot of BPD writers throughout time. I have the BPD, depression, panic, anxiety, OCD, insomnia. I have dermatillomania mostly. Eating was compulsive and bulimic until I had gastric bypass, which is like surgically-induced bulimia. I'm on Wellbutrin. Tried the Lamictal (blurry vision) and the Seroquel (um, I need to wake up sometime in the next five days) I've been through the wringer on all of the meds, too. I'm pretty much at my wit's end with psych meds, therapy, etc. There has to be some other answer.

Funny, we do some to have quite similar issues... I think in general there are a lot of writers/artists with MI. I've been writing my whole life, and it's a good escape sometimes.

I don't know what therapy you've tried... obviously DBT is really meant to help with BPD, but if you're in a rubbish-therapy area like me then you may not have access to it...

In terms of numbness, if you're having trouble with that then could you consider trying something other than paxil? Of course, don't mess with it if it's working, but perhaps a slightly lower dose could keep you stable but make your feel less numb?

I've only just started Lamictal today, so I don't know yet. I got really lucky that the first AAP I tried worked, but I hate anti-depressants because all of them have some sort of horrible effect that means I just get more and more depressed. So far, the Wellbutrin hasn't done anything at all, even though I've been on it for a month, so I guess that'll go at some point, and then I'll probably go on effexor or something. No idea.

I have dermatophagia a bit, many more issues with trichotillomania, which kind of doubles as self-harm for me sometimes. Aaand, yeah, EDNOS for me... mostly anorexic tendencies.

Anyway, I hope you find some relief soon. Do persevere with therapy, even if it doesn't seem to be doing much. It's better to be in therapy than not in therapy, I guess.

Good luck.

N

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I was just asking on another thread if I should consider trying to get off the Paxil. I've been on it for, well, almost 20 years I guess off and on...always on an SSRI, and I wonder if I'm emotionally numb because the meds are making me this way, too. When I tried to show emotion or feel my feelings before, they'd just throw pills at me. But that's really the only way out of depression and BPD in the first place is to let yourself FEEL and work through the pain.

I'm nervous about DBT, just because I'm pretty socially inept, I think. Social anxiety, for sure, in groups. I had a therapist who did EMDR, which is like hypnosis, but that did nothing but make me feel more crazy for following somebody's hands back and forth across the room.

I hope we find an answer. Honestly, I think writing IS the answer! Lamictal gave me blurry vision. I wish it hadn't because I know it's a miracle drug for so many. :( Lithium didn't help. Depakote made my hair fall out. Just nuts. I think Zyprexa may have helped me the most at a really low dose, so maybe going back to that may be an answer, I guess we'll see.

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