alchhs Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 hi there everyone, my name is alchhs. okay, well, that's my screen name. i'm going to keep my real name private unless someone would like to msg me personally. i am in my early 30s. i've had recurring episodes of what i thought was depression for as long as i can remember. time and time again, however, my psychiatrists would diagnose me as bipolar. i'd dismiss that thinking, no way. i'm just mildly depressed. something happened that 'made' me depressed. i was in total denial. about four years ago, i started seeing a new psychiatrist in a relatively emergent situation. i went to my family doctor, told her i didn't feel 'well' and just burst into tears. not able to explain any feelings i was having. she referred me to a specialist and i got in within the week. off and on, i'd see this fella. he's a great doctor, don't get me wrong, but i'd go through periods of time where i wholeheartedly believed there was nothing wrong with me. it took a long time for me to accept one medication - i started taking lamotrigine, which helped boost my mood and reduce my agitation. now, i should add that i've never had the lay in bed and cry type of depression. if i cry, it's out of pure frustration because i can't understand what is happening to me. my depression tends to be characterized by agitation, inability to sleep (or oversleeping), weight loss, hair falling out - it's a very physical state to be in. i do, however, become completely obsessed with a various topic - it changes each time. i become so absorbed in something that i can't function otherwise. i don't shower for days, i don't eat, i don't socialize (well, i never socialize really). in august, i went to my doctor (psychiatrist) knowing that i didn't feel well. i was really irritable. i was diagnosed as having a mixed state. i was so strung out from not sleeping. it was truly awful. i was put off work and i'm still off work. i don't know when i'm going back. he told me at that time that i was likely having a psychotic episode along with my mixed state, which i dismissed quickly, stating that never happens to me. my understanding of psychosis has always been that the patient does not realize their delusions/voices aren't real. but i've always known mine are real. i have fake conversations with people that i pretend are there - which might not be that unusual for most people but it is a constant state to live in for me. it's a fake world that has absorbed me beyond the point of normal socialization. i hear it constantly. it never stops. i can control it in social situations. but my private world has engulfed me to the point of not caring for myself or my family. but i don't understand. i've achieved two university degrees, work in a professional field, have a loving husband, beautiful children, own a home, etc. how could i have been so sick all along and still been a high achiever? i have now been diagnosed as having schizoaffective disorder. which...i don't really believe. i still don't believe i am psychotic. i'm in denial about it i guess because it's been going on for so long, and it seems 'normal' to me. whatever. either way, i'm taking lamotrigine 400 mg, abilify 15 mg, clonazepam .5 mg bid and hs, and nozinan 15 mg prn for sleep. to complicate matters, i have a history of disordered eating that persists to this day. i know this was a long story and i don't blame you if you didn't read it thoroughly. but i'd love to hear from some of you. it would mean a lot to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olga Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Welcome to Crazyboards. I know that some of our bipolar and schizoaffective folks will respond to you, but I wanted to say hello and let you know that you are welcome here. I think that you have to re-think your ideas about mental illness. We have many members with serious MI conditions of various sorts, and many of them are raising families, have advanced degrees, and work in many of the professions. Some of our members clerk in retail stores, and some of them are social workers. We have RNs, doctors, therapists, psychologists, graphic designers, insurance agents, artists, and professionals of every stripe. If your psychiatrist says that you have a certain diagnosis, it may take time to accept it----but don't dismiss it out of hand. If you are living in a "fake world that has absorbed (you) beyond the point of normal socialization," then you already know that something is very wrong. Your mind just isn't ready to deal with it. Just be honest with your psychiatrist, take your medication, and you might want to consider therapy if you aren't seeing a tdoc already. A good therapist can help us to understand what's going on and can help you develop coping skills so that you can be productive and have a satisfying life. I'm glad you found us. There are lots of interesting posts in the various sub-forums if you have the time to read through them. Feel free to contact a staff member if you have a question. olga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Hi alchhs! It makes sense to be able to achieve a lot and still have a totally chaotic inner world. Denial allows for us to accomplish an incredible amount, really, since we need the denial to prove it to the outside world that we're fine and in order to do that we need to be achievers. Disordered eating really doesn't make it any easier at all though, does it? Looking forward to seeing you around! Feel free to lurk if you don't feel safe enough to post right away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
breezy Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Welcome to the board! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enlightened_plutonian Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 my understanding of psychosis has always been that the patient does not realize their delusions/voices aren't real. but i've always known mine are real. i have fake conversations with people that i pretend are there - which might not be that unusual for most people but it is a constant state to live in for me. it's a fake world that has absorbed me beyond the point of normal socialization. i hear it constantly. it never stops. i can control it in social situations. but my private world has engulfed me to the point of not caring for myself or my family. This paragraph I can completely relate to. I have psychosis and my delusions always seem so real. This was one of the many reasons I didn't get treatment earlier. It is only this year, since starting on meds and getting a dx, that I have been able to see otherwise. But welcome to CB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hallowedink Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Welcome to CB! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chad Kevin Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Hello everyone.It's me Dr.chad kevin and i am doing a house job.Nice to meet you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Emperor Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 What was that ^? Anyway, alchhs, welcome to the boards! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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