Help. I've fallen and I can't get up.

[eusebia]

Dear all,

I'm not entirely certain about the etiquette here, so forgive me if this post is over-the-top (at least introduction-wise). I'll begin with a caveat: I've never been formally diagnosed with any mental disorder. Well, I suppose I did [very] briefly take medication for anxiety about 6 or 7 years ago, but it was prescribed through a university counselor (who incidentally informed me that he could not help me and basically dropped me). From my own research I've suspected that I could have: dysthmia, major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, bunch of personality disorders (esp. schzoid & avoidant), bipolar disorder, and mild aspergers. I'd love to get tested, but I don't have health insurance currently (and was avoiding such testing when I did because of fears that it could affect my admission to the bar). Le sigh.

I'm here now because I've fallen into a deep depression the likes of which I haven't seen in 10 years. My mood is generally depressed, but this episode (and the one before when I was a teen) stand out as wholly crippling -- unable to get out of bed, insomnia/oversleeping, panic attacks every day, constant thoughts about suicide (although no real plans), feelings of utter and complete uselessness and hopelessness, etc... On the good days that I can leave the house for a bit I find being around other excruciating. I try to screw my face, which is frozen in a glassy-eyed stupor, into a smile or at least something non-threatening and a grimace forms. The process of merely trying to smile (and failing) feel like a game of tug-of-war. I mostly stay indoors and watch films/tv/anything to distract my mind from my situation else I have an anxiety attack. I can't even focus enough to read a book, which has always been my favorite activity. When I have a build up frustration, I often resort to hitting/punching myself as a coping mechanism. From the time I was 10 to about 20, I guess you could say I was a cutter for the same reasons. Often I just feel like I'm about to explode and implode simultaneously. I don't remember the last time I had a meaningful and joyful interaction with another human being. I feel so alone, but I've never been good at not being alone and now I just feel like such a downer that I need to recuse myself from society.

I recently graduated from law school and have a ton of debt and poor job prospects in this economy. Also, my depression and total self-loathing have made it difficult for me to even apply to jobs. What's the point? My confidence is completely in the gutter. I moved home (and over 1000 miles) to my parents house to save money and study for the bar. I intended to be gone by now, but I can't make up my mind about anything I'm scared to start over in a new place (or bite a major economic/career bullet and go where I was in school). I haven't lived here since I left 10 years ago for college and I don't have a good relationship with my parents (except, ironically, when I'm living at least 5 hours away). Further, they live in a very suburban area that doesn't jive at all with my lifestyle as I gain great solace and peace of mind from city life and particularly from walking and biking everywhere. I have no friends in the area and am basically alone. I have no social life. I feel like I'm wasting away and I'm only in my late 20s.

I'm not very good at dealing with emotions and sharing them with others. My family are the only people I can even remotely talk to about this stuff, but they don't want to hear it. My mother blames herself and just get angry with me (especially when I talk about death/suicide), which makes me feel more depressed and also very angry. At this point I'm basically punishing myself for being a total failure of a human being. I literally feel trapped in this skin sack.

Basically, I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be (literally and figuratively) and I've got myself so down that I don't even know where or how to start pulling myself out. I feel like Macbeth walking through the "multitudinous seas incarnadine" (an imperfect analogy, I know, but I always come back to it).

If you've made it to this point, kudos and apologies. My thoughts are not as organized as I'd like and I guess I have no specific question to ask at this time. If anything typing this up (even though it represents a minute part of what's bursting out of me) has been cathartic, so thanks for merely having this forum. I've never really asked advice before (bottled-up type and what-not), but I really do want to help myself. I want to work and I want to experience even a fleeting feeling of joy. If anyone has any advice, information, or personal anecdotes, I'd really appreciate it. If anyone knows any mental health resources for unemployed people without health insurance, by all means toss them my way.

Thanks,

Eusebia, child of the 90s

(p.s. I apologize for my excessive use of parentheses)

[tryp]

Hi -

Welcome to CB. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling right now, but I hope that we can at least offer you some support and company.

I don't live in the US, so I don't have much knowledge about health care there, but I hope someone will have some ideas for you, because generally speaking it's almost impossible to diagnose yourself, never mind treat yourself, and as I'm sure you know, depressions that deep and nasty usually need professional help to get on top of.

Feel free to PM a staff member if you need help with anything.

Tryp

[Guest Vapourware]

Hai and welcome. Sorry to hear you're down in the dumps.

I would probably advise you not to self-diagnose at this point. With the proliferation of information available on the internet, it's easy to find information about almost anything - but the problem with self-diagnosis is that you don't have an objective view of your symptoms. It's like Psych/Medical Student Syndrome - where people open a book and think that diagnoses <x>, <y> and <z> are applicable to them.

I'm not in the US either, but I've heard of mental health professionals operating on a sliding scale based on someone's financial status. Perhaps that could be an option. I also recall some members talking about utilising county mental health.

[breezy]

welcome!

[eusebia]

Thanks for the kind welcome y'all. I know that wanting to help myself if positive, it's just that every time I take steps to do so I get so overwhelmed/discouraged that I go two steps back. Even (especially, even!) the most mundane tasks, which require a minimum of 5 minutes of effort, become herculean tasks.

Oh, and while I understand the the dangers in self-diagnosing, as an individual without the economic or social means to seek formal help, I believe that using common strategies to deal with, say anxiety and depression, can be beneficial.

[hallowedink]

Welcome.

I believe the others have already covered everything there is to say. I, too, do not hail from the States, but I know there is a load of information round here about the US healthcare system, and I'm almost positive there's sliding scale treatment available. At any rate, I would advise seeking out a councellor or someone like that to help you through things, even if you do not go on medication.

(And I'm also a child of the 90s. )

[AnnaBanana]

Your post actually made me create a membership and join (or register or whatever). Centerstone. If you have a Centerstone facility locally (they are nationwide I know). They will take you regardless of insurance or ability to pay. I'm "medication sensitive" so my pdoc doesn't even give me prescriptions anymore, they give me samples for a month. I lost my insurance for like a month and they still let me keep all my appts for the month and gave me samples for my meds. They have a million signs all over the one here that says "We treat patients regardless of their ability to pay" so I'm not sure if they just take you or there is a sliding scale, but they have been wonderful for me. I didn't pay anything the month I didn't have insurance.