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Hello, New here

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Yesterday I found the board while looking up side effects from a new med, and haven't been far from it since, reading and reading and reading. I intro'd myself briefly in a post I made yesterday, but I feel like doing this for real.

So, I'm new. I've never done this before, and when I say "this" I mean: 1. Joined a board, 2. Joined a support group, 3. Let anyone know anything private about myself. No Groups, no nothing. Don't even talk about it with my wife much since I don't want to burden her with my problems.

So why now? I guess that's why I'm writing this intro. I'm 39, have a wife, a kid (whom I adore), a great job at which I excel (I am a consultant project manager, selling and running pretty large scale projects) and have everything in control. I have a very, very, very, VERY hard time admitting to myself that I am also MI, fairly recently diagnosed, with ongoing diagnosis changes, and probably have been my whole life but never sought help. Except for 2 or 3 breakdown points in the past, I've always managed to keep it together, keep the facade up that I have control over everything going on around me, and only one of those breakdowns was bad enough that I acted on it, and the only action was to run away from life rather than actually active execute any type of self harm as I was thinking, and that was 15 years ago. So I've GOT it, right? Screw the world, I'm able to hold up my end.

I'm admitting to myself indirectly by admitting it to you anonymous friends out there that I HAVEN'T got it. I'm fucking frightened to death that someone (including my wife) is going to see through my false front to the pathetic me that I feel like is hiding behind that front. I have to come to grips with admitting my problems.

My "problems" are these: About a year ago, I was "depressed" for a good bit over 6 or 7 months. Angry, sharp, bitingly sarcastic (I do that one really well), mopey, bitchy, mean. Also, regular panic attacks (multiple daily), regular minor panic incidents (many many daily). My wife finally managed to get me to go see a Psych Doc, which I had resisted my entire life, since I've got control (also have a BS in Psychology hahahaha a BS in BS). I was diagnosed a little over a year ago with General Anxiety Disorder. Scrip for Celexa and Xanax, come back every month to check up. Xanax did a fantastic job of getting rid of those panic attacks. Between regular dosing and then spot pills for when a panic attack happened, I was cruising. Doc put me on extended release Xanax, which made me feel a bit better since it has less of a "junkie" feeling about it (I was starting to watch the clock when taking my Xanax, like "can I take one yet? can I take one yet?" that scared the pants off me... I was in control, so no drug is going to be in control of me!). So I was OK, I could deal with having a panic disorder. No biggy, daily pills, don't have to admit anything to anyone, I was back in control.

Life got better. Shitty job felt less shitty when I wasn't having to hide 3 panic attacks a day, you know? Still pretty down in general, still lots of rapid mood swings, overreacting to stuff, but I had control. I even found a new job, and we moved 5 states away to a NICE place rather than one of the most depressing places in the US to live.

Moving meant, of course, a new doc. Picked one almost at random from the selection from my insurance co, went to see her and (let me tell you, she is a PURE pdoc, no light therapy from this one like the previous one) her reaction was "wow you take a lot of Xanax (it was like 3 mg / day in total) and it still isn't doing anything for your mood problems. We need to think about something else". Which actually I was thinking too, because I was no longer feeling cool inside, I felt like a fucking mess. Cycling mood swings, sleeping less, hit with insomnia again (boy do I hate that). She decided to move me off Xanax to Klonopin. Did that for a month, didn't like it as much, but it kept the panic attacks away. It did allow a bunch of the rest of my issues to show up again, probably they were hidden under a bath of Xanax. So we added Abilify. Did that for 1 month, hated it... with Klonopin, Celexa, and Abilify I felt like I was back to before square one. Changed the mix, went back to Xanax XR and Celexa, and added Lamictal for mood control. Kind of liked that but 2 weeks on the dot into the Lamictal treatment I suddenly wake up with the rash-of-death covering 30% of my body. It turned out to NOT be the Stevens-Johnson Syndrome rash-of-death, but we dropped Lamictal, put me on Saphris, and here I am for 3 days now.

So where I am now is still diagnosed GAD, suspected-and-probably-about-to-be-diagnosed BP (I think it is probably right), and that freaks me out. That is, like, for real, you know? I don't think that integrates well with my self image of being in control. I don't know what to do with that fact, and it scares me... I actually think I might be more scared of the fact that I don't know how to make BP fit as part of my puzzle than anything else. I feel like I am changing, and don't know what I'm changing to, and I also feel like I don't have fucking control over what I'm changing to, where, why, how I'm changing, etc. and I HATE that!

So, my intro to you: I'm a crazy who is trying to assimilate what it means to be a crazy into my self image. I'm a control freak who has no control, and I don't exactly know what to do from here. You folks on the boards seem so honest, so maybe I can be too.

Thanks for listening. :/

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Welcome. Getting diagnosed can be a weird experience for sure. Glad you found us. If you haven't already, take a look at the rules when you have a minute (there really aren't too many) and feel free to PM a staff member if you need help with anything.

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Welcome to Crazyboards. I hope you like it here and get to know some of our members.

olga

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Thanks, all, I'm glad that I'm here. Rise, thanks for the complement... not sure that I'm accepting it yet, but definitely grappling!

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