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BeckyyStarz

Crazy? Me? No..... well maybe

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I don't know how many people get through university so easily. It's so hard. I used to be smart, at least I got good grades. And I understand every topic in my classes, I can write circles around people, at least that's what my professors tell me. All these differences in opinion, all these 'at leasts' make me so confused. I can't even force myself to go to class anymore, to do my papers. I do them in my head but I can't bring myself to write them, I convince myself I'm going to fail anyways. There's a constant war in my head, logic telling me this is stupid, the other voice telling the previous one to shut up. All this controversy is making me feel hopeless. I've cut for 6 years, on and off, but this time it's getting to be the worst of them all. There's something different this time, it's not coping anymore, it's not trying to get better or take away the stress, there's a part of me every time that wishes this'll be the one- the one that's just too deep. And every time it gets closer, I feel that moment of relief, then panic, then relief. It's a psycho cycle. Uni is supposed to be the time of your life, and I feel like it's going to end mine. Am I crazy? Damn I hope not, that would just be the cherry on top of this disastrous thing we call life.

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Guest Vapourware

Sorry you're feeling bad.

Firstly - on the surface, it may seem that many others are going through uni easily. However, the truth is - many people find uni difficult. They might not show their difficulties with uni immediately, but I'm sure that if you did a poll and asked people how they found uni, very few would say "easy".

This forum has some good suggestions for alternatives to self-harm, if you get the urge. Cutting, IMO, is a short-term solution and the fact that you are getting the urge to cut deeper is a sign that your cutting is reaching dangerous levels. Some people create a self-care box, containing distractions for when the urges arise. Some people colour, some people use aromatherapy, some people hug a soft toy.

Do you have a counselor or therapist? Most unis have free counselors, so it might be worthwhile seeing them to discuss your cutting and how you are feeling overwhelmed at uni.

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Thanks, I can't go see a counselor, it's not exactly acceptable in my family. Even though they don't have to know I don't think I could ever bring myself to say my problems out loud, in a verbal sense. But thanks, the drawing idea is a good idea I may just try it.

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Distraction and avoiding stress are the key to stopping self harm. It is a bit difficult if one of the stressors is a key part of your life (I.E the essays) but learning how to deal with it is absolutely vital.

Without meaning to sound patronizing, but have you considered essay writing 'help'? Getting words down on paper is something that a lot of people struggle with.

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Recently, I have considered taking a class on analytical essay writing, since apparently I keep writing in editorial and descriptive style which doesn't fit my program. It's not that I can't get the words down on paper, it's more than I have no will to, like I can't summon the energy or desire to.

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^That class sounds like a good idea - it might motivate you to start writing your essays again. I totally understand that uni can be horribly stressful. I am dropping to part-time because I am finding full-time study too much.

When I was in hospital last time, I really got into colouring mandalas. Mandalas are a drawn pattern, usually circular that can be coloured in with texta, pencil, crayon, whatever. I find it calming to colour them. Then they can be displayed and are usually quite striking. I have a few up on doors around the house. Just something to do when the self harm thoughts won't stop, to get out the textas and paper and do some colouring.

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