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Coma

How fragmented/shaky is your sense of self?

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Did not know where to put this.

I'd guess there's varying levels of severity when it comes to personality fragmentation and all of that. Is there a limit to how far away you can get?

If one were to visualize your sense of self as a circle.. it could be smashed, repeatedly, with the bits floating far away from eachother, forming new kind of pseudo-personalities/identities (though not like in DID, obviously that's a different thing) I feel like I am far away from the center and can never get back. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, and my memories are all very blurry because of it.

I go back and forth between the other more shaky, watered-down identities-- and so I never feel real, it feels more like a xerox copy or a warped mirror image. I am constantly shifting between them, they're like cloaks that completely envelop my perception and view of myself. It is indescribably exhausting and confusing to be constantly shifting through identities (as I'm sure many of you can relate with), that aren't necessarily drastically different fundamentally but feel totally different from one another. Each with their own obsessions and horrible qualities. Each shift feels like a hard blow, or like waking up from a bizarre and unsettling dream. A sort of vertigo. In between each phase my head is strangely quiet-- I'll be stupid and slow with the depression at its absolute blackest. Does that make any sense?

I am envious of "normal" people that can look back at their life, and see some sort of fluid progression. I look back at my life and it's spotty and dark, lived by ghosts of myself, not actually me. I feel farther away than ever. Everyone needs something to tether them to the world-- some reserve within themselves or in something else that acts as an anchor to keep them from drowning. I do not have that. I don't know how to get it.

Anyone have any thoughts (er, on the first paragraph)? About your own experiences. I'm sorry I'm not all that coherent.

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I have nothing to offer but my own confusion - but so far this morning, I've been singing all my conversations as if I were Robert Goulet.

I've had some funny looks thrown my way.

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My identity has been eclipsed by the identity imposed on me by others (my father in particular). Or sometimes it just feels like my identity is gone, and I cling to the threads: the person other people want me to be, or, as lately, using my illness (mainly the Anorexia, but also just generally the BPD and Depression) as my identity.

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*nod nod*

Mm, yeah, hallowedink, I can relate to feeling eclipsed by who others want you to be. I'm not sure if everyone who does that realizes they're doing it. Like when they only validate your feelings/some aspect of yourself if you present it in a certain way, or as a different person.

I don't know. Does anyone else worry that if all of it went away (mental illness etc) and you were finally whole, your real true self-- that it would be too strange and loud or just too much in general? Or something you don't recognize? I do.

All of this is especially fun and confusing when muddled with other MI! ultra-rapid cycling moods PLUS rapid-cycling identities! Thank you, brain, thank you.

Edited by Coma

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I don't know. Does anyone else worry that if all of it went away (mental illness etc) and you were finally whole, your real true self-- that it would be too strange and loud or just too much in general? Or something you don't recognize? I do.

This. Haha. This is why I cling to my illnesses. I have this massive, ever-present, intense fear that there is nothing underneath. That all I am is what other people want me to be, and my illness. That there isn't a person under there.

As for feeling eclipsed... Most people don't realise that it's a problem. Most of the people I spend time with... well, some of them. Some of my friends have very dominant, outgoing personalities, and because I'm quiet and withdrawn they eclipse me. They don't mean to do it.

Other people? My Dad, well, he's a classic narcissist. He's created this personal fantasy world in which he can do no wrong, and no one else can do anything right, and they deserve to be punished for every single on of their misdemeanors, no matter how major or minor. I'm pretty sure he means to impose his standards on me. I'm pretty sure I didn't imagine him telling me when I was eleven that if I ever failed any subject at school ever then he'd take away all of my privileges.

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I often wonder who I am underneath all my MI behaviour. I don't feel that have a "fractured" sense of self, more an "uncertian" sense of self.

I don't really know who I am, or what I should be feeling, where I should be in my life or what I should be setting out to achieve. I just feel kinda "floating" in my identity, I go through many "fads" and "phases" in my life and if someone asked me where I see myself in 5 or 10 years from now, (apart from being a mum & being married -the only 2 constants in my life-) I don't have a clue where or what/who I want to be.

So maybe "uncertian" is just another word for "fractured" for me. I don't have personality "shifts" so's to speak, I just have this feeling that I don't know who the "real" me is and I just don't know, I don't feel anchored inside of myself......

I also feel a bit trapped my other people's expectations of me, especially my Shrink & my Mum (& my Mum's 2nd Husband) with me loosing weight...

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make any sense.

Chiaroscuro

Edit: to change font colour

Edited by Chiaroscuro

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I don't have any identity issues, but I think I can relate to some of the things mentioned on this thread.

When I was experiencing thought control every day, the Ringleader and my evil relative were trying to turn me into them. If I hadn't had such a strong sense of identity, they would have probably succeeded in their aim. But I do feel that the risk of losing myself was always there, and this was what these people wanted.

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My identity has been eclipsed by the identity imposed on me by others (my father in particular). Or sometimes it just feels like my identity is gone, and I cling to the threads: the person other people want me to be, or, as lately, using my illness (mainly the Anorexia, but also just generally the BPD and Depression) as my identity.

This is the same for me. I am only myself through the view of others and right now all I am is my illness.

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Wow! I understand so much of what everyone is saying here! I have no clue who in the world I am or should be. I've spent my entire 34 years being what everyone else expected of me, that somehow, the real me has fallen through the cracks. I stress to my kids so much about expressing their own individuality because I don't want them to end up like me. 34 years old and beyond being a Mom and wife, there's nothing, zip.....

Right now the only 3 things I can identify with is my MI, being a mother and being a wife.....

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Wow! I understand so much of what everyone is saying here! I have no clue who in the world I am or should be. I've spent my entire 34 years being what everyone else expected of me, that somehow, the real me has fallen through the cracks. I stress to my kids so much about expressing their own individuality because I don't want them to end up like me. 34 years old and beyond being a Mom and wife, there's nothing, zip.....

Right now the only 3 things I can identify with is my MI, being a mother and being a wife.....

Yeah, I really don't think this is only a PD thing. I think it can occur in others, too.

I can empathise with the sense that there's nothing underneath the illness. It's a scary thought.

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I completely agree with what everyone else has posted here. I feel like there are so many different personas within me, like I am a different person depending on who I'm around, on my mood, and on the day. Hell, it depends on what book I read recently or what movie I watched. My sense of self seems completely fluid, and I would just like to feel like the same person for two days in a row.

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I'm up to maristrider v5.0, at least. There's actually an art photo of me called 'Rebirth' - maristrider v3.0, with ghost images of v1.0 and v2.0, standing topless in a clifftop cemetery at dawn.

Some radical changes in me and my life over the years, to the point where my teenage (or 20-something, or even 30-something) self might not have believed them possible. Mostly prompted by situational stuff (eg health/disability changes, needing to care for my mother, her eventual death).

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Who am I? Completely clueless... I vascilate constantly. Sometimes things pass me bye, while on a different day this same event will render me helpless.

Does anyone else here feel that you're trying to hold everything together with sticky tape?

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I know how it feels. Sometimes I feel like im God, perfect in all means. I love myself to the point of being narcissist. So then comes the "black" side of me and it goes to the opposite. Its strange cause sometimes a photo of me confuses me alot. I realized that these things happens not just for my own self-steem, but for everyone. I can see a handsome woman and then begin to find her uggly for an instant, then go back again. I really am "black or white". Thats what makes we borders so sensitive about the others says, as we dont have a solid self-steem.

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I think there is no limit for this. Getting tottaly apart for real world is the limit just for those wathing you. I saw some freaking crazy guys unnable to speak or whatesle, and I always imagined what was going throught their minds. We know what a baby wants or feels cuz they cry until you gives what they want. Thats their way to comunicate. When theres not a simple communication with others, insanity cant be mesured.

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Who I am has fluid boundaries.

Hahaha

Are you serious, i doubt what you say could write something

Is this related to your blood and veins? If yes I am it too. Actually now I am a cell cake with some dwarf operating a manivele/winch that makes my fluids move to their bounds. Fucking dwarf I hope he never stops working!

Edited by Borderliner

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Who I am has fluid boundaries.

Hahaha

Are you serious, i doubt what you say could write something

Is this related to your blood and veins? If yes I am it too. Actually now I am a cell cake with some dwarf operating a manivele/winch that makes my fluids move to their bounds. Fucking dwarf I hope he never stops working!

What are you trying to get across here? It's hard to tell.

IF you're making fun, stop it.

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Who I am has fluid boundaries.

Hahaha

Are you serious, i doubt what you say could write something

Is this related to your blood and veins? If yes I am it too. Actually now I am a cell cake with some dwarf operating a manivele/winch that makes my fluids move to their bounds. Fucking dwarf I hope he never stops working!

I think her use of "fluid boundaries" was in a not-exactly-physical sense. Probably psychological, and/or metaphorical.

Anyway. My sense of self feels like a hole: there's something there, but it's defined by the fact that there's nothing there. I really don't know how to explain it. It's very much a sense.

Edited by northcode

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Who I am has fluid boundaries.

Hahaha

Are you serious, i doubt what you say could write something

Is this related to your blood and veins? If yes I am it too. Actually now I am a cell cake with some dwarf operating a manivele/winch that makes my fluids move to their bounds. Fucking dwarf I hope he never stops working!

Um, wow. Horrible much?

What she actually meant, I think, is that her sense of self is fluid and ill-defined at the edges. I can empathise. You've got completely the wrong end of the stick here.

Anyway. My sense of self feels like a hole: there's something there, but it's defined by the fact that there's nothing there. I really don't know how to explain it. It's very much a sense.

This sounds sort of like how I feel when I'm feeling really empty, like there's nothing there at all. I don't know, just throwing that out there.

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