So it has been a while since I have posted on the forum, but I wanted to hear from others on this topic. What does identity instability look like for people with borderline personality disorder? I want to get feedback from people who actually deal with this problem. The reason is that I believe I deal with this problem (feeling like I don't know who I am, confusion about gender/sexuality, not knowing what I truly believe in, feeling like I lose myself in others, changing goals/career ideas, etc.) This is a longstanding issue.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder initially, and this was changed to Schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type. My original psychiatrist denied the possibility of BPD, but I feel like that is a more accurate dx than the other two. (In all honesty, I heard from other medical staff later on that this PDoc basically dx'd everyone as bipolar!) Also, I was diagnosed only after a reaction to a medication (which was possible due to the newly published DSM V), and I feel that the majority of "psychotic" symptoms that I experienced (that led to the dx change) were caused by the many other med cocktails I was given over the years. I'm very sensitive to medications, and have tried many to no success.
I've read about real life experiences from people with all these disorders, and none of them have spoken so truly to me as borderline has. I started crying the other day because it made so much damn sense. I am not looking for a diagnoses from anyone. I just want to hear from others...I am going through a very bad stretch, and I just want to feel like I am not alone.
I want to avoid posts indicating that everyone goes through identity crisis. I know that. But this is something that has been with me for a looong time. So, to anyone who is willing to share a bit of their story with me: Thank you in advance. I really need to know I am not alone in this right now.
Does anyone else have terror that they aren't who they believe they are? Or that there is no them at all? I worry that I'm just this shell who reacts to things, and never thinks for myself. What if all the things I think I am are false? I feel like I'm going crazy. Does anyone else feel like this?
I don't really know if I am posting in the right place. So modificators, feel free to move, thanks.
Hmm so I have a big problem with identity. It's like, I don't have any hopes and dreams, or knowledge of what I like or whatever. Even if I did, I don't know how it'd relate to getting a job or what job field to go in. So my question is, is there any advice service that can help with this? Or something? I feel like recruitment agencies are only a big parade leading to them doing what I could do anyway for free.
I hate my current job with a passion, I hear people laugh uncomfortably when I tell them I spent 50 hours a week wishing I were dead (at least), but it's not a joke (travelling time is ideation time, if I'm not asleep). Don't tell anyone, but my current job makes me dissociate (maybe), and I cry a lot (it's dumb), and have nosebleeds (it never happened before, and I'm pretty sure I haven't been near any radioactive waste recently). I'm good at being sober in general, but the only way I feel like I can face work is being high off my ass or drunk as hell.
All my good qualities are neglected. I'm losing my integrity. I'm really, really overqualified. I make people laugh so much. There's a good relationship with other workers because it sucks, but really all their lives are about is, how shitfaced they got on Saturday/Sunday/Wednesday night.
I take a razor to work a lot. I don't use it because that would be unhygienic but sometimes I just contemplate it. I want to move. I mean, I'll take a decent job in any country in the world.
I need a narrative or some kind of master, in this way...
The point of this narrative must be that it gives me some kind of identity or goal. I understand a job can be part of this, or so can something like an educational goal, as could, I suppose, having a family or a hobby (not that those are comparable). Whatever it is that this constitutes has to challenge me or build me and to form my identity and advance me. I think it must have a sense of progression or of building, but none of my jobs I have had have ever been considered by me as a form of identity, or who I am, though they obviously are part of my life. Right now I'm about to graduate and I am going to try and get a job so now it feels like there's nothing in my life, no narrative. It kind of constitutes a challenge to my being. I felt like if I didn't get a certain grade, I was going to have to kill myself. Now I have nothing and I am filling the days with fantasies of drug abuse and silly spending (which I want to act on), stupid wastes of time like sleeping all day or messing around the Internet, drawing or reading (which are productive, I guess) but I feel so lost and dead and hopeless. I feel like if I got into drugs or something, that'd be it, if it fulfilled my narrative, it'd be me. I've started this kind of regime of loads of exercise and counting calories, and I haven't lost much weight, but that's what's (literally) consuming me right now. I'm looking for a job but it feels false and like it doesn't mean anything to the narrative. This feels like I am omitting a whole chunk of the story but I feel like I could write forever. I just always need something to fill the emptiness and the dead feeling. Can anyone relate? Is there anything I can do or should do? ETA: I don't do drugs! I'm just mentioning my thoughts on/of them. Not that they wouldn't fuck up my life or anything, just sayin'.
I crave love and affection so bad I want to fall to my knees hug myself rock soothe myself and cry. I just... I feel insane. I have an unstable identity. I go from goth to emo to flapper (Me now) to lesbian to straight to bisexual to Christian to Pagan to Satanist to BLAH-and these are just off the top of my head there are plenty more where they came from-looking for it by fitting in with a group (Basically finding it in the group).
I suffered from neglect my first 15 months of life by my emotionally unstable (Possibly bipolar) birth mom (I am now adopted). My therapist thinks this is the cause of a lot of my issues subconsciously though I have yet to talk to her of this. I still have communication with her but of course she denies these things even though there are 2 written testimonies-one from her mother (My grandma) who loves her dearly and her grandma (My great grandma) who also loves her dearly-neglect from court (I have them). And my Aunt who baby sat me (No blood relation to her-she's from my dad side-whom my mom divorced) is a a good visual. My adopted parents also said when they got me I looked like I had never been bathed.
I just want to be loved and cared for. It makes me want to break down. The worst part is... When I do get love. It doesn't work. It's not enough. It works but like... only for a short time. Then it comes back. I feel.... emptiness....
I feel so messed up. I just want to be stable and me-though I've gotten so confused trying to be loved I have a hard time telling the difference between those attempts and who I am.
Anyone relate? Or just also an love/affection craver?