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A cry for help, or a final farewell? Both or neither. A positive response would be nice, but not necessary.

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So, I'm new to the site and was told that there are a combination of people..i.e. assholes; inconsiderates; helpful; empathetic, etc. etc.

I haven't read or talked enough to make a judgement.

However, I did come across a post today, it said something like: fuck it, I don't remember, but it hit a nerve.

My point is, I have been in hiding for a long long time. I am very sick mentally and physically. I am not suicidal, however, I DO 'will' myself to death every night, and I have enough narcotics to kill a busload.

Each and every day, besides 'willing' myself to death, I wonder if I've just done what I can here on earth and it's time for me to go. So yes, there are times I contemplate eating a shitload of meds and not wake up.

But I chose not to. I'm not religious, I don't believe in anything...I followed Buddhism for decades, but I don't have what it takes to survive anymore.

I have been in total isolation for at least a decade as well as severe clinical depression. I can't walk out the front door. I got rid of my phone out of paranoia.

I am not asking for advise, preaching, etc. All I am looking for, now that I am snapping out of this decade long depression etc., is someone to talk to. Someone I can trust. And I don't mean constant complaining, what I mean is just conversation. If, with our disorders we can occasionally listen or advise, great, if it means just bullshitting about anything...music, movies, politics, whatever...that is fine too.

I just need someone who understands where I come from and is willing to be a friend online...

If there is just one person out there who is lookfing for the same, please respond. If not, don't respond.

Love you all!!!

Steve (anenome)

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Recusing myself from further discussion. Yes, I edited my response, but it was nothing I have not said elsewhere.

Edited by Indigo 'n dye

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Someone is out there and will listen. I am new to this board and seek the same friendship you do. I am a pill popper and have truckloads of pills I take to get me out of bed, pills to make me productive at work, and pills to help me zone out with my family and pills to put my restless and chaotic mind to rest.

I'm not sure what I can offer you other than an ear and I am a pretty good at just bullshitting stuff. I too have contemplated my time on this earth but somehow I pull myself out of it...at least for my 2 kids. My life circumstances are complicated and I am trapped in a life I never imagined I would have. Adapting is not easy. If you believe in a God (which I don't), they say to make God laugh, tell him your plans. I have no plans now. I live in 72 hour increments....yesterday, today and tomorrow. I don't watch any news since there is nothing in the world that I care about. I rely on other people to let me know when something has happened that I need to know about.

I can relate to many of your comments and behaviors. I am on so many psych meds, I probably will need a new liver at some point.

I just wanted to reach out to you to let you know that your are not alone. We all put a good front when we leave our homes everyday. But what happens behind your closed doors is your true self. Pretending is exhausting. I'm sure you agree.

Anyway, have a good night. You will get better with time. At least that is what I have been told. I'm still waiting.


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friendships are not immediate here, just like in real life. It takes some time.

You have had responses to your topics, lots of people have given you suggestions.

My opinion, if you walk across the street to the CVS, then keep walking around the block.

Or to the end ot the block. Just move. Move your body and breathe.

It took some years for you to become so seriously disabled and mentally crippled.

You used to be a functional person. Just put some functional activity back into your life.

Wash some dishes, or clean your shower.

And keep reading and posting if you want to meet more people here.

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Part of finding friendship in real life or on a forum is give and take.

Replying to other's questions and comments can help you build friendships.

I have learned the hard way on some forums that if I just ask and ask and talk about me people get disinterested and don't want to talk to me and get frustrated with me.

I don't know that I have seen you post in a thread that you have not started. Maybe try to reach out a bit and talk to others. Go into the other parts of the boards like 'I got the good stuff' Try to laugh, or post funny/fun things.

Reclusive behaviors are easy to fall into, especially when depressed. Like ladybug said, going for a walk, even if you start small and go around the block. Wash your dishes every night. Set up a chore routine.

Find a hobby. Put some schedule into your life.

If you live in a larger area, try to join a support group. While online friends are great and some of my best friendships, you really need to reach out in person too. Joining a support group, or going to a class on something you are interested in would be a great thing to start doing to reach out in person.

If you have a hobby, or love music, etc. Post about that too! Or chime in on some of the other threads here. I think people will open up more if it is a give and take.

People online tend to love to help, if you get in a good helpful environment. While they won't hold your hand and guide you through life, they can be great friends and supports. However, you are more than your illness. There is a person behind that illness.

If you don't know who that person is anymore, try to find things you like or enjoy. Reach out with those things and post things about the things you like, or the good things too.

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You'de probably be more likely to make friends if you responded to the people who tried to help you in your other thread before you make a new one. I and a few others took our time to try and help and we didn't even get a "thank you."

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Hi, I read all of your responses, and I appreciate every one of them. Good advice, especially Testarossa's post.

I am so sorry I just came out, brand new and pretty much just thought of myself. But (and I hate 'buts'), if you truly new the position I was in, you'd understand more. I'm sorry, I am just in major panic.

I called Methodist hospital's outpatient line for talk and crisis, but they haven't gotten back with me yet.

Believe it or not, I am highly educated, studied many things, have a very wide variety of music I'm into, as well as books etc.

Besides Methodist hospital, I am going to take Testarossa's advice and just take the time to look around and help others and comment from experience. I truly enjoy helping others and have done so all my life.

The reason I did what I did the last couple of days is because, amongst other things, I have Panic disorder and very severe panic attacks. However, those subsided to a tolerable level a little over a year ago when a doctor put me on a cocktail that seems to work. But my panic attacks are so intense (I don't know if other's experience this, if they do, I would love to hear their stories), but over the decades they just got worse and worse. But when put on that cocktail, they diminished to maybe a few a day and they only lasted maybe an hour give or take...sometimes i could even go a couple days without one.

And another reason I just went all out was because I had a manic episode, and because I suffer from severe agoraphobia; severe social phobia and severe sociophobia...I go months and months sometimes without ANY communication at all, except a doctor or two either once a month or once every other month.

I don't have a phone anymore. My longest stretch without leaving the house was almost 2 years (that was a little over a year ago). Things went to hell, I had to move back to my hometown, and the only place I had to stay was an old house next to my father (who owns the house), but is also severely mentally disabled.

My isolation and paranoia, which had been steadily increasing for a long time, had finally hit me with full force. I was still on my ex-wifes insurance, so I was getting my meds through the mail...3 month supplies, so I didn't see a doctor. It quickly got to the point I had all the blinds closed, I kept the phone unplugged because my social phobia is so intense, I panic even when the phone rings...so I just left it unplugged. At first, I used my computer, but I kept the webcam taped over with paper because I thought people could see my every move. Then, shortly after, I was too paranoid to even look at emails in my inbox. I had a strong fear that if I even looked at them without opening them, whoever sent it would know I was looking at it and it drove me nuts, so I just turned the computer off and kept it off.

I never answered the door out of fear, I could no longer even step on the front porch to get the mail, my dad would bring it over once a week (on Saturdays) when he picked up my grocery list.

My hallucinations, paranoia, delusions were so bad, for over half that time, I carried a gun with me every time I went into a different part of the house.

Then, the last year or so, I could no longer even go to any of the rooms in the house. I stayed only in the living room with a gun in one hand and a knife in the other. The only other room I went to was the restroom, and I brought the gun with me and got in and out of there as fast as possible to get back to the living room.

IMPORTANT!!!! Again, I'm sorry I was so abrupt. I just wanted to leave this last statement to let you know how bad it is, and it's gotten worse. BUT, I promise I will take Testarossa's advice as well as everyone else's and start reading posts and helping other's, as of RIGHT NOW! I will not post anything again unless it's a dire need. You have my word.

A couple last things and I am done.

1.) I got a letter of death from Indiana medicaid a couple weeks ago, and they made such major cuts in my benefits and my disability is so low, there is no way I can afford any of my meds as of February 1st. And I take 13 meds a day, some several times a day, and several (some major narcotics) I've been on for decades, I'm afraid of what is going to happen. If I want to afford a roof over my head, I can't pay for meds...so, there is a good possibility I may not make it through a sudden withdrawal of 13 meds, and even if I do, it's just a matter of a month or two I become completely helpless. This is seriously a life or death situation!!! I'm not even remotely exaggerating. I wish I were. That's why I started off so bluntly, and I'm so sorry. If you knew the whole story, trust me, you would not want to be in my shoes and you would have at least a little sympathy for me.

But I'll stop now that I've said some of it.

2.) There is only one thing I ask, and it can be anybody. It would be of tremendous help if I could find just one person who is willing to talk/share stories (maybe a temporary sponsor for lack of better words), help each other, etc. Someone I can contact or at least leave a message in the middle of the night if I'm having a crisis. I really really need that, would very much appreciate it, and I would be in total debt to you. I pray just one person has the time and is willing to work with me. And it doesn't always have to be about disabilities, we can talk about anything...music, movies, books, etc.

But if nobody wants to do it, I understand.

Thank you so much for listening, and I will keep to my promise and spend more time reading other posts and giving advise if asked for. I won't write anymore posts unless it is a true crisis.

To be honest, I think reading other posts and commenting could be just as therapeutic as having someone to talk to. I am just in a total state of panic. To the degree, I called my doctor to see if he could give me just a one or two day prescription today for something stronger than the 6 mgs of klonopin I take now...it's not helping this attack. A major sedative, tranquilizer...something. Just something to knock me out and get just one night of an 8 hour sleep, and 24 hours of relief.

My stress is so intense lately, I woke up this morning gagging. Went into the restroom to get sick, a little came out, but there was also some blood coming out. Yes, I'm scared!!!!!

Thanks again for hearing me out. This is just a small percentage of what is going on right now. I won't share it all unless someone asks, and I PROMISE, no more posts unless it's something postive to say or share, or a major crisis-change in situation etc.

I need to make a few phone calls, but I am going to come back online and read through some others posts and see what I can offer to help. Maybe even have a little fun.

Thank you to everyone who responded and was completely truthful to me. I appreciate it.

I hope to get to know all of you over time and things work out for the best for everyone with any kind of disorder...mental or physical.

Thanks again.


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You might ask your pdoc if s/he could give you samples of the meds you need. Often drug co. reps will give docs samples and they're just sitting there in the docs office. You may be able to get several months worth at a time.

You said you're trying to communicate with a case manager/social worker. Sometimes such people have connections and know-how to connect needful people with various social services. You might lean on them to make sure you are receiving the benefit of all possible social services available to your community. Sometimes they are willing to make many of the necessary phone calls, and help fill out forms, to get things set up, when there is a situation of real need.

I'd be interested if you could calculate the final month of your spend-down, i.e., when your checks will go back to their baseline. Knowing how long a bad thing will last, knowing that it will come to an end on a date certain, gives hope and light at the end of the tunnel.

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I appreciate that after so much solitude you will want some intimate one on one friendship. However the sort of friendship that you describe (like a sponsor) is not something I'd encourage our users here to get involved in. We don't legislate against personal friendships here at CB, but we do advise people guard their personal info. I'd worry that you are a very needy person who could easily suck the life out of someone here, we're all vulnerable, triggered and have limited capacity to give. We all have to save ourselves, we can't be a lifebelt for anyone else. It's not fair to ask any of our users to provide intense one on one support to you in place of getting real medical help. What you need is beyond any one user here.

I think you need to think about engaging with the wider community on other threads rather than insisting that one person be your saviour. It's not healthy and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. We're not a pen pal site.

Edited by Titania

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There is a tremendous amount of information here on all the problems you're struggling with. I think if you focus on one problem at a time and read through some of the posts on that subject, you will find answers to a lot of your questions. As others have pointed out, this is a community, not a place for one-on-one relationships.

I've been coming here off and on since 2005, and I probably have had 30 personal messages in all that time. If you spend some time reading through posts on topics of interest to you, you'll see what I mean. I hope you find some valuable information here.

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