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Yeah, I'm crazy, but this fishbowl don't help

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Do you ever feel as if your depression (chemical though you know it is) seems like an appropriate response to the world?

Besides the basics (my family belonged to a small apocalyptic cult, and I was sexually abused), so far this week, I have discovered that:

(1) one of my uncles probably will die of cancer within the year. I want to feel sad, but his step-daughter accused him of sexually abusing her when she was drunk, and she was kicked out of the family. So I'm sad but kinda okay with it.

(2) lithium apparently doesn't work as an add-on for me, which is too bad, because I've tried everything but MAOIs. That group is impossible, since I can't get off ADHD meds without spiraling dangerously. I'm starting to feel as if I've been misdiagnosed, that I'm actually not chemically depressed (NO combination of chemicals works, and my doctor probably literally is a genius), except that...I'm depressed and always have been.

(3) I got a 4% raise today. That sounds like nothing, but I also just learned that everyone's salary overseas got cut at least 5.5%. I work for a bank, and we're doing terribly. The rest of my team in NY quit in the last two months, so I'm now a team of...one... Stress.

(4) getting an eye infection that causes eczema (in the eyes) and is resistant to what has just become four different treatment regimens is a drag. It's been over two months, and my fascination with the very idea of "eczema in the eyes" has run its course.

I get it that I only LOOK like the girl next door. But don't you ever feel (in a non-self-pitying way) that life is at least as barking mad as you are?

(That was a rhetorical question. Of course.)

otc

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Of course life is barking mad!! Who ever said that it was sane?

It sounds like you are having a real storm of bad stuff happening all at once. Lots of stressors. I can't help you with the med question, but I think that if your uncle is a child molester, you have every right to NOT feel sad that he's dying. He had his chance to be a good person and he blew it. Try to put him out of your mind and concentrate on the issues in your life that you need to address.

Do you have a good ophthalmologist? I bet there are eye doctors who specialize in infections. (I have Glaucoma, so I go to a guy who specializes in treating that one condition.) If you're in the city, I bet there is someone else you could see if you fee that your present doctor isn't effective.

If the bank is doing terribly, should you be (discreetly) sending out resumes or networking with trusted friends/colleagues to find another job?

Come back and let us know how you're doing. We also have a blog section that is a great place to rant & rave. You can make your blog private if you're worrying about people IRL seeing it.

I hope something turns up for you soon.

olga

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Oh, god, yes. The world is DEFINITELY insane, and it can make already-existing depression even worse.

It's even more depressing when meds don't work. Like you, I've tried pretty much everything with no benefit. For me, that's where therapy comes in as useful--don't know if you have access to it, but I'd definitely recommend it if you do.

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Banking's an interesting place to be. From '08 to '10 (wound up being 2.5 years, actually), I worked in a large national bank. I took a year off to try to finish school. I've just returned to the banking world to a smaller bank, but still a national one.

It sounds like now's the time to start looking for another bank to jump to. Depending on what position you're in, I know there are a few banks out there that actively headhunt for Branch Manager positions as well as Bankers, Mortgage Officers, and Financial Advisors. Working for a failing bank/branch is always miserable.

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I just want to say that I also have treatment resistant depression and have tried all sorts of med combos (except, like you, the MAOIs). I thought nothing would help my depression and I was sure I would be a suicide. I found relief through ECT. I am not advocating it for you, but using this as an example of having thought nothing would help and finally finding something that does. Don't give up hope of finding something that makes it better.

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Thanks, everyone. I'm a translator at a bank, so switching jobs is an option, but it's tricky, since I'd have to go to a bank that does the same kind of research. Not impossible, though. Qwerty, I'm glad you found a branch that works better for you.

Malachite, I think of you (in a non-obsessive way, don't worry) from time to time, because you've answered my questions about ECT before. I'm considering it. It sounds really invasive to me right now, but I haven't crossed it off my list.

Olga, I think you're totally on the mark. My pdoc just recommended I try a specialist at a major university, so after my eye doc appt this morning, I'm going to see what the wait list is to see him. And I probably should blog. I'm...actually too shy right now, but I'll think about it this weekend.

And golduser, I'm sorry. I don't know exactly how it was for you, but I feel for you. I've definitely been there.

otc

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If you're a translator, could you not go to a different company? Most big companies want translators, so I don't know if that's a possibility for you.

I'm sorry you're suffering this way. I don't know what to suggest med-wise, but I hope you're in therapy and that it provides you with a bit of relief.

I just wanted to say that I'm here to listen. I hope that things improve for you.

Oh, and I wouldn't worry about blogging. It can actually be quite fun, for example writing about something non-MI related and getting comments, or writing about something MI related that's not a question. You can't say anything wrong, and no one's going to critcise your posts. I hope that you do get up the courage to blog. And remember that you can always do it privately.

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Thanks, HallowedInk: I'll think about blogging. And switching jobs is iffy right now, since the economy is bad. I work for a financial institution and do fairly specialized work, and just about every company I know of is doing poorly right now. I'm going to try to stick it out...at least for awhile!

And I love your icon thingy, by the way.

otc

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