Bearlythere Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 Hello, My name is Michelle and I am a crazy, certifiable and have my papers to prove it. Whats really weird though is I always got picked on when i was little for being crazy, but i never thought it could happen to me. I am 27. I live with my parents, I am on SSDI and I just got my medicare card in the mail to which will take in to effect the begining of the year. I have had depression ever since i was little. It was always mistaken as lazy, worry wart. I use to give myself ulcers i was always worried about everyone elses issues. I would cry al the time, or i would be the life of the party and bounce of the walls. For some reason everyone always kept me around anyway. In the late 90's I was diagnosed as depression and was taking. paxil which made my migraines worse, then zoloft and stayed on that for a long time with nefazodone for my anxiety, I was told it was because of my job "telemarketer" and I should leave work. So I did and became costumer service. I loved my job, but during that time is when i had my first panic attack. I thought i was having a stroke, so i went ahead and had an anxiety attack with it. And so did lexapro and xanax. My depression seemed to go downhill from there and all I ever did was cry. I was getting very close to a cousin of mine since he was also suffering from depression. And later uncovered sexual abuse that had been going on in the family, things I was remembering that I had covered up for what felt like centuries. all of a sudden like opening up a pandoras box, i was remebering all kinds of things, that I had repressed, what use to be just uncomfortable "feelings" around people now had logical explinations, from as far back as being 4 years old. I could no longer function at work. I cried all the time and was cutting to relieve pressure inside and was contimplating suicide. I loved my job but went and talked to HR and they gave me the number of someone who could help and told me when i got better my job would be waiting. October 17 2003, I was admitteded into the Chestnut mental hospital until 3 days b4 christmas. There alot of things came out. I was gang raped when i was 15 and had repressed it, but being hypersexed was reliving flashbacks everytime till i was a complete mess, or I could keep myself managable but when they would leave i would fall apart. I was also talking to nurses who aparently wernt even in the room. The first time I realized or it was brought to my attention that i was hallucinating. I was laying in my bed reading and the air conditioner was dripping water on me, so I stood up on my be and was whiping it down, nothing unusual. Until i was asked what i was doing and they expolained there was no Airconditioning unit abouve my bed, them telling me that didnt make the water that was dragging across my walls stop, like in cartoons where you shake your head and everythign is as it should be. The secodn time I was laying down, not sleeping, just laying there and the nurse/doctor came in to talk to me and asked me to move and i scooted so she could sit down and listened to her talk to me, then all of a sudden the doctor comes in and asks me to move.. This was no dejavu. I felt her hand on my hip, i felt her body on my bed, I think that one flipped me out more than the first. Aparently this was something regualar, because even with med changes I still was seeing and hearing things, weather it be something simplae as just hearing my name. Nothing was freaky, like in scary movies, but that didnt make anything less scary. Everything was realistic things, how was I to know what was or wasnt. So of course everything made me paraniod on what was real or not. I slept the 1st month int he hospital, I felt safe, but my feelings felt so much stonger. When i was angry or irritated, the first month i hid everythign inside, the second month was emotional freedom, when i was upset, i screamed and cried and threw things, taking comfort in the tied down. I begged for help and no one listened so i put my hand through a window and cut myself. I bet they were worried about lawsuit. Effexor made me crazy (er) than i already was. I am much more to myself and suicidle when i am trapped inside myself, not homoicidle. with effexor, i felt like a cagged animal with people poking sticks at me, all i was waiting was for the door to open. I had been put on quite a few drugs while i was there, some stayed and some didnt. I was diagnosed as bipolar, rapid cycler, clinical depression, schizoaffective disorder, and PTSD. There may have been something else, but i dont rember anymore. My life has been upside down for a while. It still doesnt make much sense to me. While I was in the hospital i came out to my parents as bisexual. I guess it made it a bit easier for me as that was really something trival as apose to me trying to kill myself. I like to say I have gotten a lot better, but realistically i dont feel like it. I always feel doped up, or not doped enough that i am way to manic, or severly depressed. I smile for the camera when i am clawing my way out from inside my heart. I no longer feel capable of holding a job because of my memory issues and ability to consentrate. I saw a shirt that said " I may have alzhimers, but at least I dont have Alzihmers" I related to that shirt and wanted to buy it, but then forgot where i saw it at and then forgot about the shirt until just now. Short term sucks, most of the time My long term memory is still going strong. I have always been creative, I paint, sculpt, reborn dolls, design and make my own teddy bears, quilt. WHen i am manic, i start as many things as possible. WHen I am depressed everything just sits there. Collecting dust. I have even painted some art for the Hospital which they have displayed and that makes me feel good that my pain can be displayed for someone else who has trouble expressing feelings. I am stressed because of the debt I am in for it. My hospital bills are well over 100G and i have no job. I live with mom and dad till i can get on my feet. But because i live with them no one else will help. No food stamps, no govt housing. I just feel like i am getting deeper and deeper in the white rabits hole and feel like i may lose my head. I try to tell myself everything could be worse. Things have to strat getting better sooner or later, half the time i feel like i wish the bill collectors would just take me away lock me up somewhere and then call it even. I dont have any money from them to take cept my ssdi and half my collecters already take from that. Anyway, thats just me, and my story. will see you all around. By the way, is anyone else here losing hair and experiencing severe muscle spasms. ANd how do you know if you have fibromyalgia or arthritus? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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