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Life lessons for those with a new bipolar diagnosis


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Here are some global tips for BP:

 

- Create structure and routine

- Get a good pdoc to develop a good professional relation between pdoc and person.

- Psycho-education about the illness is a step forward!!

- Get stable by medication and therapy.

- Let someone control your meds if your uncapble to do it (example: in a Manic episode, there is chance you can discard this)

- Get exercise everyday (30 minutes intensive 5 times a week)

   --> I do 3 times a week GYM (power) and 5 times a week a walk with my dog.

 

- If your manic 

          --> To prevent damage: Let someone handle financial things and if your making people annoying with your behavior, reduce sound and temper 

 

your control.

          --> If your libido gets to high, think of protection if get involved into sex...

          --> Are you having delusionals of grandeur are some paranoid things? Talk with your pdoc about it!!

          --> Are you sleeping enough? ==> If not: Talk with your pdoc about it!!

 

- If your depressed

         --> Try to do exercise..

         --> Try to eat 

--> Are you severe depressed and getting suicidal thoughts? ==> Talk about with relatives, family and for sure with your pdoc!!

 

- Search a job that's not torsing onto your shoulders! Stress reduction is very underestimated aspect..

 

- Set up targets for your live if your better and give yourself by day a 'thumbs up'.. Even if they are small!

 

- Work on social assertive skills to improve social network.

 

- Is your job or school/homewerk/tests/exams stressful? Reduce working hours + Work on skills like selfimage... 

 

- Learn more about CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and read books about it..

 

- Mediation and mindfulness sometimes helps people with depression. Maybe it's something for you?

 

If you read this post completely 'thumbs up', even if you didn't; I respect that concentration in a manic or depressive state is very annoying. So 

 

thumbs up! 

 

- Are you good in music or creative skills and making art? Enjoy it and make it your hobby!!

 

- Listening to your favorite music can do a little about elevating mood, but a little is also an improvement is positive away. 

 

- Create a daytimewatch where you log time you spend on activity A, B, C, ... if something goes of the road, your may be getting manic?

 

- Did you make a mess in your room or your house? For example: Are there everywhere beercans from a period that you where manic? Is there everywhere 

 

a mess of papers because you thought your new project was going to make you rich? Talk about it with your family to create 'overview'

 

- Create a mood flow and graphic with Excel or online programs/apps. And write everyday the symptoms you experience..

 

- Are you getting a panic attack and pdoc is on holiday? Take a shower or a relaxing bath.. 

 

>>> And if you do something sneaky with your meds (like throwing away), first discuss to your relatives and pdoc!!

 

 

I hope you have something about my tips.. Good luck and thumbs up again!

 

And also think about a good 2014 is coming to you even it's bad... And look out with firework, so you'll have your fingers in all pieces left and healthy!!  :lol:

"- Did you make a mess in your room or your house? For example: Are there everywhere beercans from a period that you where manic? Is there everywhere a mess of papers ...."

OMG, I thought that was just me.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Think about it this way...no one is perfect.  

Accept the fact - what meds work for one may not work for another

People in your life will probably not understand you because they don't have bipolar.

There's nothing wrong with having to be hospitalized

Take your meds!!!  

Always be upfront with your pdoc.  If you don't feel comfortable with doing that then you might want to look into getting a new pdoc

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  • 1 month later...

My psychiatrist said all you need to do is take your medication and recognize your different pre-warning signs before having a full-blown episode, after that you can't even tell you're Bipolar :) .

 

If you don't know your pre-warning signs, it is vital that you learn them. When I was hospitalized the first part of treatment was sedatives, then the second part was getting used to long-term medication. After that it was all about learning those pre-warning signs of Mania and Depression.

 

When you know your pre-warning signs, you don't even need therapy. If you do recognize an upcoming episode, all you need to do is talk to your psychiatrist and he will sort everything out (probably increase your medication or prescribe you something) before it gets too late.

Edited by StJimmy9151
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  • 3 weeks later...

bipolar life advice: plan ahead for potential inability to work; plan ahead to fail gracefully. i've frequently been bad enough to not work, but I've been able to soften the blow with prior planning. when I was still in school the disability office helped me out so much by getting enough accomodations for me to stay in school during minor episodes & to get medical withdrawals instead of failing classes when I was to sick to do the school thing. now that I'm out of school, it's been tougher to deal with, but I've tried to keep my living expenses minimal & to always keep enough money set aside to survive a month or two of unemployment which has helped me so so much.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Titania- this is the most inspiring thing I have read as a newly diagnosed bipolar 2. I like what you said about not having to put everything right with past manic episodes. Really, I found all of it to be brilliant. I think my new mantra will be "nothing is wasted."

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  • 4 weeks later...

If you were just diagnosed bipolar, then my advice for you is this:

 

1. Find and maintain therapy--individual and/or group. Be consistent in meeting with them, and be honest. If, for some reason, they aren't able to continue seeing you, find a replacement as quickly as possible.

 

2. Once you find a combination of meds that works, always take your meds. No matter what your brain or anything else tells you, BIPOLAR IS TRYING TO KILL YOU, so always take your meds.

 

3. Understand: mental illness is not like a rash or a cold. When it comes to mental illness, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, even if it's, "eat healthy" or, "exercise more." If your doc says, "jump," you ask, "how high?". You can survive and continue living a productive, worthwhile life, but you MUST take your illness seriously, or it will kill you.

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  • 2 months later...

It's been two whole days now (count em! two!) since I've learned that:

1) thirty years of therapy and ten years of medication haven't helped for more than a little bit at a time because I'm not simply depressed! (like there's anything "simple" about it)... I have Bipolar II.

2) The insurance company has to approve my new medicine before I can try it. I know why this is important, but 57 seems a bit too long in the tooth to have to play "mommy may I" -- ESPECIALLY since it's my medical professional who has to ask for permission from the bean counters. It makes me angry.

3) I probably have passed these wonderful genes on to the lights of my life, my two beautiful, brilliant and talented daughters. That all by itself makes me feel like the lowest piece of crap ever to be ground under a piece of shoe leather -- about the only positive thing I can come up with with respect to this is that at least now they know what to be on the lookout for in their own lives.

So yesterday I had the thing where I've stopped Brintillex, since it was turning me into Rage Monster - and that's the only reason we were able to figure out what I actually HAVE - but going from Brintillex to no-Brintillix while doing a low interim dose of Xanax to help with the agitation made me fearful for my own safety. That's the first time I've EVER felt that bad, and we're talking obviously decades of feeling bad. I was completely unable to stop crying.

She also started me on a very small dose of Lamictal - and I don't know enough about it know whether it might have contributed, but maybe it's helping with the post-Effexor, post-Brintillex brain zaps.

I currently want to just HOWL over all of the wasted time. I've managed, I've had a good career even when my original plans for life were to have a family and run a household -- but it's been slipping for the better part of a decade now. I might have been able to do better if I'd had the right diagnoses. All those times when I was doing good stuff but past the point of hurting my body? (people with scoliosis really shouldn't lift heavy objects all day often unless they want some serious back pain) or having some really good ideas that I wasn't able to translate into Human for the rest of my coworkers -- I had to do the work and show them, and then they'd say "oh, that was great, now I get it!" -- All the years of feeling as though I was the one person left out of the joke? I could have been getting the right kind of help. But I didn't, and all because my flavor of mania is something on the order of "oh wow, I don't feel depressed today, Whee. Let me just doing ALL of my unfinished things right the heck now." It's just never been especially manic.

Now reading all of the preceding posts make me feel SO GLAD to know it's not just me. They also make me feel silly for comments I have made in the past trying to offer comfort to people who probably knew twice as much about this as I do now; but I do at least have a good sense of the silly and am perfectly happy to laugh at myself.

At the same time, what's also bothering me is the very sobering realization that maybe I WON'T be able to go back to work. I'm on a disability leave until Jan. 2015 because attempts to get better while working have been a big fail. But I'm the primary breadwinner. Oh geez, all four of us are adults (or near adults in one case) and we can all work, but it's been more than twenty years of "mom works outside the home, dad works inside the home) and there are things I just won't be able to do for them if I can't keep going.

HOW on earth do you come to grips with that?

How do you come to grips with knowing that you'll be facing some degree of "you just want to sit back and accept handouts, go get a job you lazy bum" when the truth is anything BUT that? (I was on Worker's Comp for a physical injury for several years, back when I was still a young stuff, and that was simply a miserable experience. Just try explaining that you really DO want to work! Yeah right).

Sorry... this has been kind of a nonsensical rant/cry/blubber experience but I am a smart person feeling like a moron at the moment. I'm not sure which foot to put in front of the other first. :)

Just know that my heart goes out to each and every person here. I'm so glad there are people I can share this with. It's SO hard.

Edited by Gnuyak
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Hey Gnuyak, I'm only a few days ahead of you in the diagnosis stakes, but I wanted to share some stuff I have found out from some intense reading all over the place. Hope it helps.

The first thing is something I learned right here in this subforum, in the newly diagnosed post. It's that many of us experience grief when we are diagnosed. Looking at it that way, we gotta just give ourselves the time and space to hurt and howl, while it all sinks in - and then inevitably things begin to settle and make more sense and we start feeling more empowered again and more able to focus and fight.

It's been two whole days now (count em! two!) since I've learned that:

1) thirty years of therapy and ten years of medication haven't helped for more than a little bit at a time because I'm not simply depressed! (like there's anything "simple" about it)... I have Bipolar II.

2) The insurance company has to approve my new medicine before I can try it. I know why this is important, but 57 seems a bit too long in the tooth to have to play "mommy may I" -- ESPECIALLY since it's my medical professional who has to ask for permission from the bean counters. It makes me angry.

Me too, bipolar 2, diagnosed at age 44. Insurance companies are all mindless beaurocrats, the mommy may I isn't personal, it's just The System and as irksome as that is, hooray that you have it. Trrrust me, paying for psych treatment and meds from your own pocket is a major, major thing.

Your 30 years of treatment for depression and therapy probably have actually helped you tons and kept you going and your family together. It takes an average of 10 years to diagnose us with bipolar - it sucks, but there it is. It's not a simple thing to diagnose or treat. By the sounds of it, you have done incredibly well actually. Well done for that - lots of us (me very definitely included) have destroyed and rebuilt our lives numerous times ... horrific stuff. I'm not trying to minimise your feelings though, you have every right to them.

3) I probably have passed these wonderful genes on to the lights of my life, my two beautiful, brilliant and talented daughters. That all by itself makes me feel like the lowest piece of crap ever to be ground under a piece of shoe leather -- about the only positive thing I can come up with with respect to this is that at least now they know what to be on the lookout for in their own lives.

Although bipolar runs in families, NIMH says it's unlikely to be passed from parent to child (phew) - and as you said, at least now they will be aware.

°

So yesterday I had the thing where I've stopped Brintillex, since it was turning me into Rage Monster - and that's the only reason we were able to figure out what I actually HAVE - but going from Brintillex to no-Brintillix while doing a low interim dose of Xanax to help with the agitation made me fearful for my own safety. That's the first time I've EVER felt that bad, and we're talking obviously decades of feeling bad. I was completely unable to stop crying.

She also started me on a very small dose of Lamictal - and I don't know enough about it know whether it might have contributed, but maybe it's helping with the post-Effexor, post-Brintillex brain zaps.

I'm hard work on my medics. They cost me money I reallllly feel, so I never hesitate to ask. You can even use something like eMoods bipolar moods tracker to track meds, moods, sleep etc and then email your pdoc a niiice pdf. You're paying your healthcare team (whether it's private, insurance or even the state system) and you have the right to good service and that includes having everything explained to your satisfaction. Grrr ;)

I currently want to just HOWL over all of the wasted time. I've managed, I've had a good career even when my original plans for life were to have a family and run a household -- but it's been slipping for the better part of a decade now. I might have been able to do better if I'd had the right diagnoses. All those times when I was doing good stuff but past the point of hurting my body? (people with scoliosis really shouldn't lift heavy objects all day often unless they want some serious back pain) or having some really good ideas that I wasn't able to translate into Human for the rest of my coworkers -- I had to do the work and show them, and then they'd say "oh, that was great, now I get it!" -- All the years of feeling as though I was the one person left out of the joke? I could have been getting the right kind of help. But I didn't, and all because my flavor of mania is something on the order of "oh wow, I don't feel depressed today, Whee. Let me just doing ALL of my unfinished things right the heck now." It's just never been especially manic.

Cry, Gnuyak, howl if you haven't already. It helps ... you know it. I sorta went numb for the first 24hrs after I got the diagnosis. After that I howled ... for a few days. And now exactly 7 days in I am still all over the place, but there's a little progress.

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Thank you so much, saddest. I really appreciate all your kind words, and I wish I could offer anything in return aside from understanding of the crappy situation we're all in.

You're right on the money with most everything you said, too. I do have a good support system at the moment. The 30 years' of therapy has been really on and off until about 3 years ago when I realized I really WAS slipping and needed some decent help. My primary physician had been treating me for what seemed like minor depression, but it kept getting worse as time went by. The he left his practice to parts unknown, which tossed me into a pretty great tailspin. Add menopause and, well, I was pretty much a mess until I got set up with the current team about 3 years back. At first, aside from the meds, I was treated with EMDR which I still consider JUST about the strangest thing I've ever experienced, but it absolutely worked on several long-standing loss issues.

I'd been diagnosed with Major Depressive Syndrome, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Syndrome -- until, as you said, just a few days ago. Wow what a slam upside the head.

The kids are another issue. The most recent crisis was brought about because my youngest was hospitalized twice this spring for suicidal ideations and self-harming. I'm sure you can appreciate why that kind of didn't help :) (She's doing MUCH better, btw, and boy am I grateful for that). The elder one has what they thought was ADD, but now that I've been reading up on bipolar and know a little more about it, I'd be willing to bet one of my ample butt cheeks that she's got Bipolar of some flavor as well. -- And hubby is, like me, still having something of a delayed reaction to getting the youngest out of the hospital. He's got straight up depression. We're quite the group. :)

The good thing is, I guess, that we are all together and we're equally stubborn and determined to find the way through it. -- However that's why the idea of not working is so scary (and BELIEVE me when I say I know what it's like to have nothing and be expected to pay up anyway. It was a long time ago now but I remember it vividly). And at 57 the idea that I'm going to get hired annywhere else if I want to start over is... well, kinda laughable. Especially now.

THUS! I've howled, I've wept, I've torn stuff up that I was working on and thrown it away, and somehow or other I'm having an ok moment today. I'll take it. You can bet I'll be just about as pill-compliant as I can possibly be.

And THANK YOU so much for your response. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helped. I hope you're going to keep making good progress too and feel free to sing out if you need an ear that isn't semi-public :)

Oh, and PS: The looking like I've done fairly well (and I have) is a much thinner veneer than it might seem. My crash-and-burns have been a lot less drastic than some people's, no arguing that. But yeah... don't feel alone on that front, is all I'm trying to say :)

Edited by Gnuyak
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Thank you so much, saddest. I really appreciate all your kind words, and I wish I could offer anything in return aside from understanding of the crappy situation we're all in.

You're right on the money with most everything you said, too. I do have a good support system at the moment. The 30 years' of therapy has been really on and off until about 3 years ago when I realized I really WAS slipping and needed some decent help. My primary physician had been treating me for what seemed like minor depression, but it kept getting worse as time went by. The he left his practice to parts unknown, which tossed me into a pretty great tailspin. Add menopause and, well, I was pretty much a mess until I got set up with the current team about 3 years back. At first, aside from the meds, I was treated with EMDR which I still consider JUST about the strangest thing I've ever experienced, but it absolutely worked on several long-standing loss issues.

I'd been diagnosed with Major Depressive Syndrome, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Syndrome -- until, as you said, just a few days ago. Wow what a slam upside the head.

The kids are another issue. The most recent crisis was brought about because my youngest was hospitalized twice this spring for suicidal ideations and self-harming. I'm sure you can appreciate why that kind of didn't help :) (She's doing MUCH better, btw, and boy am I grateful for that). The elder one has what they thought was ADD, but now that I've been reading up on bipolar and know a little more about it, I'd be willing to bet one of my ample butt cheeks that she's got Bipolar of some flavor as well. -- And hubby is, like me, still having something of a delayed reaction to getting the youngest out of the hospital. He's got straight up depression. We're quite the group. :)

The good thing is, I guess, that we are all together and we're equally stubborn and determined to find the way through it. -- However that's why the idea of not working is so scary (and BELIEVE me when I say I know what it's like to have nothing and be expected to pay up anyway. It was a long time ago now but I remember it vividly). And at 57 the idea that I'm going to get hired annywhere else if I want to start over is... well, kinda laughable. Especially now.

THUS! I've howled, I've wept, I've torn stuff up that I was working on and thrown it away, and somehow or other I'm having an ok moment today. I'll take it. You can bet I'll be just about as pill-compliant as I can possibly be.

And THANK YOU so much for your response. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helped. I hope you're going to keep making good progress too and feel free to sing out if you need an ear that isn't semi-public :)

Oh, and PS: The looking like I've done fairly well (and I have) is a much thinner veneer than it might seem. My crash-and-burns have been a lot less drastic than some people's, no arguing that. But yeah... don't feel alone on that front, is all I'm trying to say :)

Thanks lots - and btw idk if you know it already, but this site also has a blog function - I haven't been doing it long, but I'm finding it helpful.

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  • 8 months later...

1. What's done is done. If you've made a mistake, flown off the handle, done something reckless, said something you didn't mean, or anything else during the tempest of mania, it's already been done, and aside from apologizing or making basic damage control, there's nothing else you can do about it. Learn to let moments like that go. If it isn't within the reach of your arm, you can't control it. If you can't control it, don't feel guilty about it at all. That guilt serves no purpose, and dwelling on things you can't change will only make you miserable and unstable.

2. Don't isolate yourself. Don't withdraw from your friends out of fear that they won't understand. They might not know a lot about mental health, but it doesn't take a degree in psychology to recognize when someone is hurting and depressed, they'll understand that at least. You need your friends and your family as a support structure. Most people desperately need socialization to stay sane and healthy, and when you are in a low period, you need it even more. Talk to people, even when all you feel like doing is staying in bed, make yourself do it.

3. Have an escape plan. You shouldn't live in fear of your next manic or hypomanic episode, but you should definitely be prepared for it. Find somewhere to go, like a friend or relative's house who understands the situation and can keep an eye on you when shit hits the fan, then make arrangements with them that when the time comes, you go there. One of the worst things you can do is be by yourself during the worst parts of a manic episode. Pack a little bug-out-bag just for that, with some of your toiletries, a change of comfortable clothes, a week's worth of extra medication, and important phone numbers. When it gets bad, bunker down in that safe place.

4. Get the right amount of sleep. Don't sleep to little, but don't sleep too much either. Both extremes will make you unstable. Depriving yourself of sleep will make you tend toward mania, while too much sleep will make you tend toward depression. Hypersomnia, or sleeping too much, is an especially vicious cycle I've seen many folks with BP fall into, including myself, and it's hard to claw your way out of. Don't let yourself wallow in bed, ever, because the more you wallow, the more you sleep, the sadder you'll get, and it will be that much harder to make yourself get out of bed.

That's all I've got, but I'll try to think of more. Some of this might not apply to you, or might seem ridiculous, and if that's the case, just ignore it. Everybody's experience of BP is going to be different in one way or another.

Some of the main concrete mixture to ensure a more stable foundation to give a person to build on.The small things such as taking your med,sleeping,give us the the base to build on.Good post!

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  • 2 months later...

Be courageous ... accept that you have a BP disorder, that you will need to take medication, and that you will need therapy

Be determined ... to continue the treatments on an ongoing basis as a way to keep your life stable and to prevent causing goo to spread on those around you. Do it for them, and for yourself.

Be successful ... my take is that if you manage the first two, you can live successfully.

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  • 3 weeks later...

My biggest advice: Don't quit your meds. You may think you're better, that you don't need them. Bipolar Disorder cannot be cured. You will have it for life. You may indeed be better...but only because you're taking meds. If you quit, things will likely go south quickly. And there can be serious consequences.

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  • 2 months later...

My biggest advice: Don't quit your meds. You may think you're better, that you don't need them. Bipolar Disorder cannot be cured. You will have it for life. You may indeed be better...but only because you're taking meds. If you quit, things will likely go south quickly. And there can be serious consequences.

^^I was going to say the same thing.  One life lesson I have learned is to take the meds.  They might need to be changed at times or the dose of one you're on may change.  But always stay on meds unless told otherwise.

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Denial will only make things worse.  Work on acceptance of your illness as one of your top priorities.  This doesn't just mean believing that you have bipolar disorder -- this means educating yourself about it, including potential negatives and pitfalls.  While it's important not to drown yourself in negativity to the point of wondering if there's any light at the end of the roller-coaster tunnel, the simple fact remains that bipolar disorders are serious mental illnesses and most definitely can be very disabling.  Disabilities are infinitely easier to live with if you learn your limitations and accept them, and if you accept that your ability and energy levels are going to change over time.

My life is tremendously better now, after diagnosis, after I have learned about my personal version of bipolar disorder, after I've been in treatment for a while and learned how to manage my illness quite effectively.  I have also, post-diagnosis and effective treatment, had to give up on working, apply for disability status from my government, lose my home in the process, make massive changes to my life, and take the time to adjust to how things are for me now.  Not everyone will come to this, but those of us who do are not weaker or weaker-willed; and those who don't come to this very likely require or would greatly benefit from accommodations.

Life is not just about an ability to be a member of the workforce or attend schooling.  Wellness is not about how closely you can mimic the non-mentally-ill or disordered.  Quality of life counts for a lot.  Not every doctor realizes this, and you're likely to have to assert this fact with many, but it's well worth it.

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  • 3 months later...

I was just diagnosed today. I've made a complete disaster of my life. And it's not the first time. My life has been a constant cycle of building up relationships and a career and then destroying it all. I'm older now, and tired, and I can't keep doing it. I'm just grateful I have the VA hospital to go to and didn't have to wait until I got insurance and paperwork and all that. I walked in, gave them my name and social, and I was all set. If it was any more difficult than that, I wouldn't have been able to get it done. 

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      She also has a developmental delay that causes her to need to speak things aloud and get that feedback on social situations and some other things to process them, in which she is quite long-winded most of the time. That has also lead to more hard feelings as it leads to limited time to indulge in anything else but talking from the time we are up until the time she goes to bed. Any other time that's left during the day, she usually insists that we spend it together because she wants to be close but she has also said that if we don't have that closeness each and every day, multiple times a day even (most days) then she and I will be too distant and she won't be able to open back up to me because I'll be a stranger (she has had issues with selective mutism when she was a child is the only thing I could assume she means by she will stop opening up). It may just be a matter of her mental health and I just misunderstood what she meant, however, is it wrong of me to feel like she is somewhat playing mind games/ manipulating me/ twisting my arm for me to pay all of my attention to her?

      She is currently visiting from Canada and I live 422 miles away from her home. She has said that things will be different when we go back to Canada in 5 days, but I don't know whether or not I can trust this as I have seen different happen when she's back home and we just talk over video call. She says she doesn't really lie, and I know that, but is it bad of me to feel like she just doesn't really know herself all that well in what she really and needs from a person, especially when she's never really been in a long term relationship before us getting together? I'm really trying to let go of the past but this is just a lot to handle. 

      Does anybody have any advice on how to cope with these situations? Is it too much for me to continue to wish for and sometimes expect her to understand my needs? Is it too much for me to want to be left alone sometimes (as it helps me to cope with life and process my own emotions)?

      I really don't want her or our relationship to suffer because I'm not giving her what she needs. 

      Thanks for any responses. They are much appreciated.

      P.S. ~ Are there any books you would recommend somebody in a relationship with somebody who has ASD reads to have a better understanding of what it is like to have autism or books on how to cope with the differences in their partner? 

      P.P.S. ~ I know she's not a manipulative person and she wouldn't mindfully force me to do what I don't wish to,  it's just I feel backed into a corner most days and I lash out emotionally in anger and start to yell when she's annoying me, most often times at the expense of being called mean when I say something she doesn't view as true and, at the best of times, neither do I. I guess it's just hard when both parties have mental health issues that result in a lot of emotions (and a TON of anger) and developmental issues, and social skills deficits on her end. I love her to death though and just want to make things easier on the both of us, more so on her though.
    • By Blanche
      I am married to my husband almost 20 years and I have spent the last 5 years thinking/ acting out constantly about other men. Usually it is one obsession that lasts about 12 months or so and is quickly followed by another Sometimes it goes to emotional affairs, flirting, once to sexting but always, always in my head, constant intrusive fantasy of a ‘new life’. Husb doesn’t know all of it but enough to hurt and dismay. We are in therapy and no, i will not tell all - that’s just me unburdening my crap. He is a good man. I need this to stop in my head. I’m BPII, CPTSD etc, already on Lith, Efexor, Lamotrigine, anti-ep
      So tired of running from thoughts. Doc not sure what to do- tells me to  buy lingerie to wear for husband?. Been there done that. She thinks it is kind of funny but that my life would not be very good if i left him with MI (he is ‘big’ around town).
      He really is great and my best friend. The thoughts won’t stop though continuous rumination about other blokes. THAT’S what is most distressing. I hate myself for this. I’m so very very tired.
      I’m thinking of asking doc for quetiapine or similar to calm this mind? Anyone been the same position of feeling like a lying, sneaky whore? Any thoughts received gratitude. Except maybe more marriage counselling, talking, hurting him and the kids. This is my crappy rumination, i need it out. This is on me. 
       
    • By X Anime Lover X
      I’ll get straight to it, I cut myself.
      This was my first time cutting. 
      I don’t know why, the thought of cutting kept haunting my mind. I decided after school I would do it. Just once.
      I was alone in the house at the time and got everything I needed. I had a first aid kit, a small screwdriver and a sharpener. 
      I took out the blade and I was nervous and did it high up on my thigh. I cut twice on my thigh then on my hips. I got carried away and cleaned up the cuts. There were more cuts then I intended and I cleaned everything up hiding the evidence.
      I’m a little shaky from what I did but I don’t regret it.
      I don’t believe I did it and it doesn’t bother me. 
      I’m scared what others will think if they find out. 
      Help me.
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