Parapluie Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 So, I have another med question. Sorry about that, I'm not new to depression, but I am very new to meds. How do I know if my med is working well enough? What did it feel like for you? Ugh. I'm feel like I'm everywhere and no where. I have been taking Celexa (citalopram) for 3 months, and 1.5 months at my current 40mg dosage. But, I still feel pretty horrible. I have been journalling faithfully for the past 3 months as well (I was at my worst in this depressive episode in November/December), so I have a pretty good idea of how my mood has changed. I feel that it's barely changed. I feel like I have changed physically, more than mentally. For example, I have more physical energy compared to a few months ago. I can get out of bed faster and push myself harder to keep going during the day. My appetite is still not quite what it was, but it's getting back to normal. I get more restful sleeps, mainly because Celexa has helped immensely with my GAD. Mentally/emotionally.... blah. I basically feel blah, uncaring or a sickening, deep weight of sadness and despair on my chest, nearly every goddamn day. At least it's not 24/7 anymore. But, it's anywhere from 3-10 hours of the day that I'm staring at nothing, trying not to cry. The thing is, I finally feel capable of reacting with happiness to happy things (a joke, my pets, a movie). However, the moment that I'm alone, I'm consumed with depressive thoughts and, thoughts of SI and suicide. I intensely crave being alone, despite that I end up feeling worthless and useless. I think of suicide everyday and think of plans. A general low, blah mood is the norm. On the other end of the spectrum, I do have good days now, when the sadness doesn't last as long and I feel more calm. As well, I can concentrate much better than before. Where the hell does this leave me? I feel like Celexa helps somewhat..? I'm so resigned. Am I asking too much of a medication? Along with my med, I get weekly therapy and attend a CBT group. I feel like this combined, should be helping more? What am I doing wrong? I feel like this is all my fault, I'm just not trying hard enough. This is much worse than any other depressive episode that I've had (I've had at least 2 prior to this, though my boyfriend thinks I've had more). I also have a people-pleasing problem, so when I report to my pdoc, I feel like I'm not being totally honest about my symptoms sometimes. This is my fault and I'm not going to do it at my next appointment. Plus, it's just hard to describe depression accurately without resorting to some kind of poetic monologue... or maybe that's just me. This got a lot longer/ more rant-y than I'd anticipated. To sum it up, should I give up on Celexa? Thanks very much for reading all that. ETA: when I say my concentration has improved, I mean I could write this post or read the newspaper. When it comes to school... Not so much, And my grades are falling. UGH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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