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Are you happy?

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Yes, very happy, like Titania. A little fragile, a little volatile, but my life is full of good things. I needed to stop changing drugs all the time, it gave me whiplash.

I also needed to get off the maintenance antipsychotics and just be miserable in intensive therapy for a while. I have had the great good fortune to go four days a week for about a year and it's such a different experience, more surgery than Band-Aid.

Finding a spiritual home also made a huge difference for me.

Best of luck to you, it took me so many years to get here but it has been worth it.

By the way, although I am on Lamictal my levels are low, and I have spent plenty of time plenty depressed on it. For me the Depakote/Tegretol blend is what's making the difference.

Get better,

SG

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I'm happy.

Earlier this year I wanted to die. I swore that I would never be able to be happy again. Life was killing me. Even walking outside was unbearable because my depression caused visual distortions. I felt heavy and weighed down, as if I weighed 400 lbs. But then I went on Abilify and Wellbutrin, and I pulled out of it. I was lucky--it only took that med change to "fix" me. I remember when I began to feel better, I could not stop crying because I was so relieved. Every moment was golden. I was so thankful for my happiness that I almost felt hypomanic.

I still have anxiety. I still have fluctuations. And Abilify's restlessness side effect is annoying. But yes, I'm happy. My recent depression lasted a long time, after I came down from a mania in August. But I'm finally happy again. I don't know how long it will last. But for a while now, I'm content. And glad.

It is possible.

It can take people years and years to find the right med combo. I hope you find some relief soon. :(

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Right now I am depressed, but usually, I am pretty happy. I also know this depression will end someday, so that is something to look forward to. I as depressed pretty much constantly from the time I was 18 to the time I was 27

It took me a really long time to find some useful meds as well. 10 years after my dx. Now they aren't working, so more playing with meds. But I will get to the other side, and be happy with my husband and my dog. Not necessarily in that order.

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Thanks everybody.

I don't feel so alone now.

=)

I guess I will get better. It's just sad...

It took five years of depression to culminate in a 6 day period of normalcy, then back to this.

I hear things get a little easier past age 30. Is this true?

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I hear things get a little easier past age 30. Is this true?

I've never heard that, but I hope so! If it's true, I've only got 4 more years :)

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Everyone is different, but the literature says MIs tend to worsen with age.

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Guest Vapourware

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I understand all too well the feeling that life is hopeless and always will be. Sometimes those thoughts will become overwhelming, and then I will start planning methods of suicide.

Like a few others have mentioned - happiness is possible. I was suicidal in January and spent two weeks in hospital. For most of my stay at the hospital, my mindframe was that life wasn't worth living and I should kill myself. Then, zoloft came into my life and improved my baseline mood. I realised that things CAN get better, despite how desperate it can appear sometimes.

So, now I would say that I am happy. I am studying, I am working, I was invited to participate in an art exhibition, and I started a band that is going well. So, sometimes life can move forward.

Like Tits, I'm not someone special. I'm just another random on the internet.

I also understand the frustration with medication. My pdoc describes me as a "challenge", because lots of meds don't play nice with me. You can see the meds I have tried in my signature. Another pdoc actually took an interest in me, because of my "atypical" responses to meds. Sometimes I get frustrated with meds and wonder what's the point. Then, sometimes I'll hit a med that works very well, and it's those moments that convince me to continue with taking meds.

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Happy? sometimes...for brief moments. The meds help me somewhat, so does a group that I go too.

But actually I've gone way past caring if I will ever be happy or functional or whatever. Because even if I'm miserable, every f*cking minute of my life, it's still better than the alternative, which is that I put the only people I care about through of hell that losing a daughter, a sister, a friend. I figure, if I take my life then it ends my pain for me, but really it just passes on to the people left behind to grieve, to blame themselves. And I can't do that. They would never understand. So it's better for me to suffer than them.

A few years ago, I was the only one there when my best friend's mother got the news that her adult son, my friend, had killed himself. I swear I could hear her heart break in that moment. That wound will never heal for her, I don't think it will ever heal for me either. Never...never will I do that now. If my life is to have any meaning, then it's that I suffer...so that they don't have to.

I did have a thought, that if the meds are not working for you, have you considered ECT as an option? I was considering that at one stage and still would if the meds stopped working.

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I hear things get a little easier past age 30. Is this true?

Um, no, not in my case. I was able to hold my shit together (sort of) until I was in my early 30's, at which point I finally caved in and started taking meds. I was hospitalized 3 times between 33 and 40. I very much fit the bill of progressive deterioration, more severe cycling, that I've read about.

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Guest

If you have had even six days of stability, it proves that it is possible and it can happen again. But it won't if you give up.

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I'm happy. My life is quite lovely in a lot of ways. I'm in university training to be a nurse, still doing creative things when I can (but to a far, far lesser extent than ever), I'm getting married to the love of my life this year.

But I have to work very hard to stay stable, so that means it's lovely and very boring. It is a massive compromise to live how I do now and that can sometimes feel like something has been stolen from me, another life. Maybe not a happier one, but a more exciting one. I feel emotionally quite flat sometimes and when I realise that I can't even muster up the emotion to grieve.

I hope things improve. It's not a straight line, sadly.

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I've gone through periods when I was so miserable suicide seemed like the best option but I was too depressed to even do it. I had tried literally almost every medication and went through ECT and my lows don't get that low anymore.

Remember, with bipolar, you cycle, what goes up comes down, what goes down, comes up.

I'm content, currently. I don't think many people achieve true happiness their entire life. I'm fine with being content. I still cycle, but not as high or as low.

I hope you can get your medications sorted and through this funk.

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I've been called difficult to treat too.

I still don't see it. If I am content less than half a percent of the time I'm alive, and it's only getting worse, what point is there for me to live?

I've also become lonely, mentally inept, and miserable.

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My baseline "normal" is on the slightly depressed side, so I feel like even when I'm 'happy' I am still depressed, if that makes any sense. I actually haven't felt 'happy' in a long time. The last time I felt that way was when I had been hypomanic. Usually I just feel content rather than happy, and it comes with the cost of being ever so slightly depressed. Just enough to where I still have no motivation, still tired, still no interest in the usual things I found fun before.

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My baseline "normal" is on the slightly depressed side, so I feel like even when I'm 'happy' I am still depressed, if that makes any sense. I

I feel the same way

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I am content with my life at the moment, and have been fairly content since my last major mood episode abatted in May 2011

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rowntree,

I am so happy for you. =) May it continue for a while longer!!

I definitely know what it feels like to mildly depressed even while happy. I was like that most of the time, in the past. Anhedonia sucks.

Today I went to a birthday party for my best friend's second birthday. I got to see people I grew up with, and their parents, and it lifted my spirits some. Plus the sedation from the newly added Seroquel has gotten better.

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Right now, I'm not happy with my mental state. I don't have medical insurance and I don't qualify for a medical card through the state, therefore, I am not on my (many) meds at the moment because of the cost. I want to feel good but I just don't and I don't know if I ever will. I go from happy to tears in a matter of minutes. I guess such is life when you have BP.

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