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S.A.D is not what I mean

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Today, my friend Michelle was talking about sunlight, how unpleasent it is, gives her headaches. I chimed in, that I completely agree, bright sunny days have always deeply pissed me off, for as far back as I can remember.

With me, I hate bright sunny days because they remind me of steriotypical happy, laughing, cheerful families walking hand in hand, flying kites, just all around having every type of emotional stability my childhood didn't.

I suppose I hate sunny days, just as much as I hate being around other peoples families. I cant even stand being around my own family, let alone somebody elses. Especially not if theyre happy! Miserable, and slightly fucked up puts me more in my comfort zone. But even that's not a guarantee. For best results, I dont like to be around more then three family members (mine or theyres) at a time, and even thats pushing it for me.

As an adult, I have made lots of friends. That alone is bizzare new territory for me. Upto a certain point, it bothered me that I was alone so much. Upto a certain age, it bothered me that supposedly joyfull times of the year did nothing but remind me how completely alone I feel (always). Even still, some days, I find myself feeling that same old biohazerd-separation-zone. Drove me nuts as a kid, how people in CA treated me. But then I reached my late twenties, found myself a new life in a new state. And while I'm far from happy, or fufilled, I atleast can say I have friends now.

But what I was getting at are holidays, I have friends who invite me over. SuperBowl, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, on and on, just when I think I'm done gettings asked, the year starts over and people start asking me what my plans are all over again. I almost never accept peoples invitations. Family settings are just too uncomfortable for me. As for strait out parties, those are almost just as bad for.

The urge to talk to people, be liked, be thought of as interesting, and then the inability to gracefully do those things, always ends my night with either me drinking dangerous amounts of alchohal, or me finding somewere to sulk off alone like the wounded animal i am.

Hmm. Oh yes, sunlight. I went online today, trying to find what that's called were sunlight makes you cranky. I know that's a real disorder, I've heard of it before. But no matter how I phrased it, the damn search engion would only bring up Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD); which is the complete opposite of what I was looking for. After a while I was screaming "GOD DAMNED GOOGLE" at the top of my lungs.

Not the first time I've yelled at an inanimate object, nor the last. So this is my introduction.

Im a late twenties, joy-bittered, manic depressive, alcoholic, rageholic, male who doesnt work well with otheres. I also don't take pills, or go to the doctor for checkups (though many people repeatidly tell me I should). Nice to meet you.

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Welcome to CB from another summer hater (though for me it is the warmth I cannot stand, I love when it is sunny and cold). :)

My symptoms are different in summer than winter, which is pretty random. In summer the hallucinations are more prominent, and in winter the delusions are more prominent, and I don't have any mood symptoms. But since the meds it has been a lot better.

I hope you find what you are looking for here. It is a good site, but most of us will recommend that you seek medical advice.

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