What the hell is wrong with me?

[takemetospace]

If someone could read this and help me out I'll guide you to the pot of smack at the bottom of my pink rainbow. I can guide you with my eyes and live through your body. Just make sure your clothes are on.

I am 24 years old and have been diagnosed with the following after self-admitting to inpatient (3 separate times yielded multiple problems)

1) Bipolar (all 3 hospitalizations)

2) Schitzophrenia (1 hospitalization)

3) Borderline Personality Disorder (1 hospitalization)

4) Depression (2 hospitalizations)

5) Anxiety (1 hospitalization)

6) PTSD (Army related??? I don't have flashbacks but other things happen) - Of course the VA won't admit this because PTSD is a cause for compensation and pension for the rest of my life, meaning money each month. FUCK taking care of soldiers...

It started when I was discharged from the Army 2 years ago. I wasn't feeling 'quite right' so I visited my family physician and within minutes he prescribed me Zoloft. When I asked him what chemical Zoloft had that my brain was deficient in, he said 'no one has any idea how these types of drugs work' and to 'just take it and see if it works'. I feel really confident at this point in the thought behind this diagnosis and solution to my problem.

After battling for months and not willing to admit I was mentally ill I finally began taking the drug and enrolled in college to finish my degree. I was tired of sitting around hating life and myself so I decided to make some changes. WRONG. I was always very intelligent as a child yet I ended up dropping out during the first week because of 'emotional/adjustment issues to civilian life' as the doctor called it. School was never hard, not even then; the biggest issue was myself and not trying to blow my fucking brains out while trying to study for class.

Fast forward two years, four additional times I've dropped out of college, 3 inpatient vacations for 1 week each, and the following medications, and you find me now posting on this board:

1) Litihium

2) Lamictal

3) Sertraline (Zoloft)

4) Abilify

5) Seroquel

6) Depakote

7) Trazodone

8) Wellbutrin

9) All the bullshit herbs, supplements, and 'fish oil' I could shove down my throat

10) "Sex and beer" as my father puts it, which apparantly to him solves all of life's problems and 'should make a man out of you'. As if putting my life on the line for my country and my brothers in arms wasn't proving of my manhood already, I have to force a non-existent sex drive to peak so I can 'fuck a bitch'. Outstanding!

I've taken these medications alone, as a cocktail with other medications, and also with alcohol. NOTHING HELPS.

Here are my symptoms:

1) Loss of identity. I have to try and create a reality every day I wake up (it seems to reset during the night)

2) Unsure of how to act. Am I good, bad, the kind of guy who takes what he wants and fucks everyone else out of their money or am I the nice guy that gets trampled over? This isn't innate, I have to logically think this through.

3) Severe anxiety (I think) and paranoia. It's not like the intense "get me out of here" fear you feel when you're afraid of heights; this is a "can't look anyone in the eye, cross the street to avoid passing by, have to wear sunglasses in the car because I believe when people pull up next to me they're staring me down" type of thing.

4) Severe mood swings which are TRIGGERED by outside events. People seem to set me off; even looking at me makes me either go manic, depressed, or learning towards psychotic (I want to slit anyone's throat who looks at me wrong, but the next minute I can love them and want to see them naked).

5) Severe depression. I go from clinically depressed (can't move out of bed), intense brain fog, feeling like I want to die to completely euphoric, to normal (like I am now). This happens all day and I was diagnosed as a Rapid Cycler.

6) Delusions. When I'm not normal (like I am typing this) I feel as though I'm either looking through a lens at the world, I'm not 'me' but someone else, I feel like God is virtually fucking me through my mind, I feel like the universe has it out to get me, and I feel like I can rule the world.

7) Intense urges to pack up, move, and walk the world on foot.

8) Isolation from other people, no social life, no girlfriend, and no desire to talk to family/friends. Most people seem to need emotional support but I'd rather not look at anyone ever again.

Does anyone know what problem this could be? I'm stumped. No medication, therapy, or hard drugs/alcohol have helped.

However, there does seem to be a trigger: eating healthy. When I eat healthy I actually GET WORSE. Perhaps I'm not eating enough? Today I felt like I wanted to gut myself and after drinking a McDonalds vanilla milkshake that my roommate brough back for me I IMMEDIATELY felt better. Was it the sugar, carbs, fat, calories?

I'm done writing in my journal and trying to document what triggers me and what doesn't. It seems like everything triggers me and I don't know where to even begin fixing my problem (I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS!)

I wish it was as simple as conquering a fear, or getting over a past lover. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy because I can't even pinpoint my problem; it just controls me like a prison bitch.

**I hope this was somewhat funny. The only way I can get by is if I let go of all my goals, ambitions, and happiness and just poke fun at myself. This was entirely serious and I don't want to flood the forums if I don't even know what I have, so I'm hoping someone can guide me in the right direction.

Thank you kindly,

Nick

Update:

Also, they say when you're insane you don't know it. All those fakers who say "I'm crazy!" aren't crazy at all. Usually when I get out of mania, depression, or some sort of delusional psychotic episode I look back and think "wow I was a complete idiot". But during them I don't think anything is wrong and feel like when I was 'normal' I was 'a complete idiot'. It has now gotten to the point where I find everything life as a joke because I can't tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I can never tell if I'm sane or not so my entire life I go around questioning every decision I make, although it never helps because by my logic the ridiculous things I do make sense at the time.

Fuck this shit. How do people be normal and go to work every day, manage a family, and not want to end their lives? Seriously.

[olga]

takemetospace, I'm sorry that no one has replied to you before this.

I have no idea what your diagnosis is, but I think you need to see a good psychiatrist, and get him or her to refer you to a therapist. If you have been using your GP for all these meds, or (God forbid) the people at the VA hospital, you may not be getting a competent evaluation.

I'm not being mean and nasty about the VA--I just don't think they have fabulous care for our veterans with psychiatric issues. We can't diagnose you here---I'm not a doctor and that isn't our purpose here at Crazyboards.

If it's any comfort at all, I definitely think that whatever you have is treatable. You wrote a very clear, organized summary of what has been going on with you. I would print that out and take it to the best psychiatrist you can find. Borrow the money if you are broke, but go to see someone who has a good reputation for treating patients with PTSD, and particularly members of the military.

I know it seems hopeless to you now, but there is a treatment out there that will help you. Please seek out a highly-qualified doctor to get you started on the right course of treatment for your issues.

olga

[Will]

Thanks for posting, takemetospace. I agree w/ Olga. One thing I think is true is that the onset of trouble, the first few years, can be the hardest part. I know that sounds like cold comfort to you now, and pain is an in-the-moment experience. I've had a lot of the emotions you describe. Still do at times. But, again like Olga, your exposition leads me to think you can feel better -- with help.

[takemetospace]

Thank you both kindly. And you're right Olga, the VA isn't exactly the greatest. They try, but the psych department is laughable. It's always the same thing: wait a month or two, go re-visit where he asks you the same questions about your condition because he doesn't remember who you are (due to so many patients) and then makes a med change.

I used to hate this and bathe in my own hopelessness but now I laugh at it because of how ridiculous it is (or at least try to laugh when I'm in a good mood). I also know that these guys learn "who we are" from books and label us with disorders. They have no idea what we go through and what we experience, so in their defense, how could they really know? All they have is case studies to work with. It literally is like treating a dog for depression; we have no idea what the dog feels like just as they don't know what we feel like.

I think what the psych community needs is psych doctors that have mental illnesses themselves. It seems the traditional Medical degree doesn't hold water because they are studying things that shouldn't be studied, but experienced personally. Maybe every psych doctor should experience the hell of psychosis, if not because of a defective brain but by bath salts, just to know what they're really pushing drugs for.

[jt07]

I agree with Olga that what you have is treatable. You just haven't found the right cocktail yet. Your symptoms are symptoms that many of us suffer from here on crazyboards. I have a lot of these symptoms except psychosis. Sometimes it takes a lot of meds to treat a condition. Just look at all the meds in my signature, and I was also taking Tegretol in addition until recently.