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Bipolar, Anxiety, Hallucinating, Delusional, and Paranoid. Am I alone?

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Hi, my names Rachael, I'm 20 years old.

Part 1: Childhood

I tend to blame my mental illness on my past a.k.a childhood... but I try not to, you can't blame others for your own faults.

My mom is an on and off pill popper addict and alcoholic as of recent, we have had a rough past, she is unmedicated but I know she suffers from PTSD and possibly bipolar aswell. She had a messed up childhood, so did her mom, etc. It's like the cycle will never stop...

I have always been an odd child. I suffered hallucinations and paranormal encounters where I saw demons and ghosts and heard things which were not there and voices on occation. I felt people moving, the floor would shake and groan but nobody was in the room. This could of all been hallucinations, I don't know what to believe. I do know I always suffered horrible anxiety and phobia of bugs and fire as a child to the point in the summer months when bugs were most often to be seen I would NEVER leave the house. My mom began to worry that I was weird for not playing outside and would lock me out of our apartment for hours and make me play. This resulted in stress and me crying and freaking out since I had no safe place to hide from the insects.

My best friend, and one of my few friends during childhood was the victim of molestation by her father who was mentally ill. He talked to himself, muttering constantly and was a pedophile. I only realize this as I am an adult now and I am terrified I may have been molested too, since I react very strongly to rape scenes in movies and can not remember the events that took place when I would sleep over her house. I do remember she told me "My dad came into my room last night and was looking at you sleep, but I told him to go away so he didn't touch you." This haunts me...

I would also perform disturbing sexual acts with my stuffed toys (I do not remember this but my mom told me, therefor I was 3 or 4 years old way too young to know about sex...)

I have always been an aggressive child, very cruel to my classmates verbally (like my mother was to me) to the point I caused 2 girls to leave school permanatly due to my verbal abuse in middle school. I turned from agressive to angry once I became a teen. I turned that anger towards my mom and finally stood up against her abuse, for years I had been silent and just bottles it up. We fought every single day. It was so stressful and took a toll on me, she would use sick forms of punishment on me. (Ex: after a fight she would not let me sleep, she would stay up yelling at me and keep the bright light on in my bedroom for hours, then force me to go to school exhausted as punishment.) Also she would be so high and messed up on her pills that she would make me sit with her while she slept because as soon as she would doze off she would have horrific nightmares about her childhood and she would make me sit by her and wake her up. I was the parent and I use to hate her for it. I hated taking care of her, and not being a part of a normal family.

My dad and me get along but my parents have been divorced since I was a baby. I would tell him the things my mom would do and beg him to take custody of me, but he was too much of a coward to do it. Also I believe he did not want the burden of me. So there is some underlying anger there but for the most part we get along decently well. He suffers from horrible anxiety and panic attacks. My moms family has a history of schizophrenia and bipolar.

Part 2: My teen years- age 14-18

At age 14, the summer before I started High School, my mom kicked me out of her house and forced my dad to take me in. He was obviously not too thrilled with having a teenage daughter to deal with and I knew I was unwelcomed deep down, but he was nice and we got along very well. It was such a relief not fighting with somebody, it felt so normal... Shortly before moving into his house I had begun cutting myself, I was crying out for help but nobody noticed the scares and scratches on my arms, making me believe more that nobody cared. Things started turning around, I was happy and me and my mom went for 2 years without speaking. finally we came into contact again but I kept my distance.

During my senior year of highschool me and my mom got into our biggest fight ever, resulting in her punching me for the first time, while I was driving and her getting out of the car and me driving away, leaving her stranded in the winter with no transportation. We didn't talk for 6 months after that. days after the fight I became very depressed, I thought I had escaped my past and the fighting. It started off me calling off school sick, telling my dad I was ill. Then it turned into skipping school and staying home (my dad worked a shift from 6-3pm which was perfect for this) I couldn't face school, I was afraid to drive in my car where the incident with my mother occured and I was afraid she would come after me at school. I missed a month of school before my dad found out. I told him I was having panic attacks which was true, and I was anxious and terrified to go. I continued to skip school for another month. I nearly dropped out but with my grandmothers help (she literally drove me to school each day and made me see a psychologist and take my meds) with her help I passed, by taking my courses online in the library alone since I couldn't face my peers. I lost all my friends and have never made a friend since.

Part 3: Now

At age 19, I had my first manic and depressive episode that lasted 3 months total. I dumped my bf of 4 years, dated a new guy and had sex 2 days after the breakup. I stayed at this new guys college dorm for a month without coming home and with limited contact with my worried and furious father. I began hallucinating, I heard voices, a roomful of shouting voices all talking but I couldn't make out the words. I would see letters in numbers in every surface and write them down and decipher them, because I believed it was a code only I could see and I needed to solve it. I became delusional believing I was not a human being, I was above humanity and I hated humans and wanted to kill innocent people. I never did hurt anybody, except myself as I had started cutting again. I was so angry all the time and I had horrible violent thoughts and urges constantly. I quit my job, I walked out (something I am known for impulsivly doing). I was so depressed I begain hated myself. I created alter egos and personalities with names, I would switch into these egos and be different people, I imagined I looked different, and it worked. I truely believe I was different people in one body. I began drinking a lot, chugging cough syrup to sleep at night, and I smoked weed (I use to frown upon any drugs because of my mom but I didn't care anymore) I changed, it was like I had lost myself. I would just sit and stare at the wall, my body felt numb, I didn't want to talk or move, I would just sleep but my thoughts would race, I was so restless.

Then came THE NIGHT, the night that changed everything. I got out a knife from the kitchen. I had move in with my mom again, she was clean but I was a mess. my dad took away my car for leaving for a month, I couldn't tell him what was going on with me, he doesn't know anything about psychology and wouldn't understand. So I moved in with my mom the night I finally came home and broke up with that new guy. I got out a knife and sat in the bathroom with the door locked, I had planned lay in the bathtub and slit my wrists, so the blood would drain and it wouldn't be as messy for my mom to find. I was going to do it, but I heard a voice, it sounded demonic like- and it was egging me on "do it." It terrified me and I went to my mom, crying with the knife, I told her she needs to stop me!! She was so calm, she held me as I cried and she laid with me the entire night not letting me out of her site. The next day she got me into an emergency psych app. There I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I only went to 4 sessions then quit.

I am still off and on suicidal, I do not take my meds reguarly (I like to believe I can conquor it on my own but I can't) I am still depressed and jobless right now, I signed up for college, it starts in a month and I am nervous my panic attacks will come back to haunt me and I will drop out. I am living with my father, shortly after THE NIGHT back in FEB.2011, I got an apartment (APRIL 2011) and got back together with my bf of 4 years (NOW 5 years<3), we moved out of the apartment last week that is why I am back in with my dad. I had a job for a year, but I walked out.

Recently, as of exactly 1 month ago. I got off my meds and had my second manic episode, I went on a roadtrip with a stranger, a 30 year old guy (I am 20) and I cheated on my bf. I came back 2 days after, and told my bf. I wanted him to break up with me, nobody deserves what I had done to him. He didn't leave me, he chose to stay and try to make things work. He truly loves me and I feel horribly that he has to have a gf with this disease... So this is where I am at now in my fucked up life. Sorry if the events were out of order and confusing, It's hard to explain all of this at once at 1:30am.


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Rachel, I know how this must come across, but we all have instances where we don't "think clearly". This demonic voice is probably just some "shit" you made up, but you dealt with it in a different manner. I know that tempernace, which is restraint, will help you in those circumstances. This is to know yourself. and it will allow for alone time. You need both temperance and discipline to get through this. Thanks.

Excuse me. You don't tell someone they need "temperance and discipline" to get through a situation such as the one described. You CERTAINLY don't assert that another poster is making shit up, particularly when you don't know them or their situation personally. I'm not sure what your game is, but if this is any indication, it isn't acceptable here.

You don't tell people who are hurting and scared that they are making shit up, that they need "restraint", or alone time, to work through their problems.

People need support and professional help most when they are scared and don't know what to do and are approaching those they love with weapons.

This is a warning: don't belittle people, don't brush their problems aside and certainly don't call them liars.

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Hokey dokey. Back to the OP's post. You'll find a lot of support and help here on the Bipolar board. We have all experienced this on one level or another. Med compliance is a really big deal for stability and to prevent the kind of wreckage you describe in your relationships. Can you talk to your BF and get his help while you get stabilized on your meds before college starts? I promise you that you will do much better without the fantastic mood swings and psychosis while making your way through college.

Definitely take a read through the bipolar forum and a look around at the school forum too. And welcome to CB!

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