A New Beginning

[TakeAChillPill]

I am putting my new "about me" stuff in here because I figured people would read it and comment on it if I put it all here. So here it goes:

Hi.

Today is Sunday May 13th, 2012, aka, Mother's Day. I've decided to change my "about me" stuff on my profile this morning.

My real name is Linda. I'm currently 31 and will be 32 in September. I have never had any children and have never been pregnant. Its because I've never tried to get pregnant. I haven't dated since high school. When I was 17 I started taking Zyprexa because I was paranoid and delusional. I was paranoid that aliens were out to get me. I got delusional over every single guy I became obsessed with to the point of thinking every person I had a crush on was "the one" even if they showed zero interest in me or were not even available.

Zyprexa wiped out my libido 100% I stopped taking Zyprexa when I was 18 and I'm 31 now and I still have had zero libido no matter whether I am on meds or off. I've spent plenty of time off all meds to know that I'm not getting my sex life back any time soon if at all for that matter. Zyprexa stole a lot from me but it also was helpful during the short time I was on it. It gave me the ability to sleep and took away all my fears and delusional obsessions.

Not only did it make me asexual it also made my childhood memories become nothing more than a vague blur. I used to have an extremely sharp memory about all of my life experiences....until I took Zyprexa. Even though it was therapeutic in some ways it was also detrimental.

AT age 18 I went off Zyprexa cold turkey and went into a horrid withdrawal period where my anxiety and depression were through the roof but I was laughing hysterically to myself (as though I had tourettes) almost 24/7. If I was awake, and that was most of the time, I was shrieking and laughing like a mad lunatic. This lasted approximately a year and a half.

I've really mellowed out a lot since then. I've been on and off meds frequently but I never experienced anything as terrible as the Zyprexa withdrawal again.

I have been on ABilify 20mg and Prozac 20mgs for two years and have been completely stable and not totally zombie-like. I was zombie-like on the Zyprexa. I have friends and I get out and do things. I lead a normal boring life. I don't have a job but I did have a job for a few years- 2006-2009, I bagged groceries and brought in carts at a grocery store.

I have gained lots of weight over the years and currenlty need to lose 150lbs. Maybe if I had even a aprt time job I would start losing weight. Maybe I'm just not active enough.

Adolescence was a bitch to me. It made me mildly bipolar and mildy schizoaffective. Thankfully I have really settled into adulthood without mood swings or delusional thinking. I may be asexual now but I should always look on the brighter side of things.

FYI- i was born with an eye disorder that I get to keep for the rest of my life. Its called Nystagmus. My eyes shake back and forth, side to side. Sometimes its more severe than at other times. Sometimes it's barely noticeable. I had to deal with a LOT of bullying in school because of this disorder.

My parents love me but have had times where they have been emotionally/verbally abusive and at times even little bit physically abusive. This started very early on and things escalated when I was a teenager and now they hardly ever even raise their voice at me. They seem to have learned patience and a bunch of other good things. I applaud their attitude towards me these days. :-) I realize that they didn't know how to handle me and all of my differences.

Thats about it.

[gizmo]

Hello. I'm sorry you had such an experience with zyprexa. I've taken it several times before, and not had the loss of libido that you describe. However, I have and am on several medications that have cost me my libido, and for awhile, my ability to... finish, IYKWIM. I had a large libido when I was a teenager and dating my future husband, but it cooled off many years before I got diagnosed and medicated. For me personally, this was due to the trauma I endured as a child for several years by a caregiver. Even though it happened more than 30 years ago, and I have been through large amounts of therapy to deal with it and move on, the act of having sex still stirs up many negative (and libido crushing) emotions inside of me.

[crtclms]

I'm moving this to Atypical Antipsychotics, as you are mostly discussing Zyprexa. If you are interested in talking more about what is going on in your personal life, we have blogs where you will get a lot of feedback.

[TakeAChillPill]

@Gizmo- Sorry for this late reply! I am very sorry about the trauma you have lived through and how it makes you feel to this day. Thankfully you survived and are able to "break the silence" while allowing others with similar feelings not to feel so alone.

Although the abuse I experienced was hardly excessive (and was not sexual abuse) compared to many other people's experiences here on this site and in the world at large, there were many episodes of emotional/verbal battery combined with the threat of physical violence that were excessive in their own right. The pure evilness of my parents' tone, the messages they were screaming at me, their body language was so overpowering and ego shattering that I had intense "emotional flashbacks" where the feeling I felt during the abuse crept back inside me at any given time and pretty much paralyzed me. The feelings of panic, shame, worthlessness were through the roof and way beyond what I was able to cope with- so over my threshold.

Thankfully I'm almost 100% sure I am over the flashbacks and by some miracle of god my parents calmed the f***k down and relinquished their reign or terror.

I'm pretty sure that when the abuse was at its worst they were both undergoing mental breakdowns because I was a teenager and was rebellious and because the Zyprexa was helping me but I didn't want to take it because of the side-effects. I was also almost flunking out of a private high school because I didn't apply myself and certain subjects like History were absolutely impossible for me to learn. Yeah they were ape alright. A lot of the stuff they were yelling about had to do with me being a "crazy" this that or another. They would demonically threaten to "drag me kicking and screaming" to a mental hospital where they would "lock me away and throw away the key." AH, memories! :-)

Emotional abuse leaves scars too!

I kinda went of on a tangent there but everybody does that every once in awhile.