Branching out and meeting new people

[Cherriichan]

The friends I am with at the moment are insanely protective and isolating from other people; they are both equally unfriendly to everyone in my year that isn't a part of their friendship group, and it rubs off pretty badly as a result - the majority of people do not like them and wouldn't want to socialise with them. I keep butting heads with them over my need to get to know and socialise with other people in my year, and I can't handle the grief they give me about talking to other people.

They are manipulative, argumentative and insanely annoying; I've put up with them for too long and often been used as a punching bag for any anger they can't let out on anyone else. I finally decided to branch out and meet new people, so I went to socialise with another group of people yesterday without telling them. I was lectured, critised and bearated upon my return - which really lowered my confidence and willingness to try again.

I am already insanely shy and struggle to make eye contact with anyone my age, let alone start a conversation. This was a big step for me: this, combined with talking and starting a conversation with somebody in my classes, has been making me feel quite proud of myself. I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here, and that it's entirely my fault. I want to try again and I know I shouldn't be held back by them, but there's an easy way to manage this and I don't know what it is.

Does anyone have any tips on socialising and edging away from my current friendship group without hurting them? I don't know how to handle this without everyone getting hurt.

[Guest]

I think this is one of those situations where their feelings will get hurt. But really, friends don't isolate and exclude. I wouldn't want to be friends with people who made the people around us feel unwelcome. That no one else wants to hang out with your friends should tell you something, they're not worth all your consideration.You have the right to do what makes you happy, including choosing friends from wide social circles.

Your 'friends' don't have to right to bully and abuse you for spending time with others.

[Mirazh]

I have said this before, but your 'friends' sound like abusive bullies. I can understand that you care for their feelings and do not wish to hurt them, but it really sounds like they are going to be hurt no matter what you do -- unless you follow their wants and such exactly, but that is very controlling an toxic and not healthy for you, as you have surmised.

Not to sound over dramatic here, but the signs of abusive relationships apply to friendships just as much as romantic or familial ones. What you often write of these 'friends' of yours tends to set off many of my red flags for such behaviour. If they continue to keep your esteem low, manipulate you, and isolate you from others, then perhaps you will never leave them you know? Classic abusive tactics.

I commend you for trying to establish healthier connections. You may have to resort to more drastic measures to keep these toxic 'friends' out of your life, because I highly doubt they will go quietly or easily. I mean, removing or blocking them from Facebook, you phone, etc. and report any bullying if they resort to such tactics. You can and maybe should also discuss this with your tdoc.

You might find use in learning about abusive behaviours and relationships, because I am certain you will recognise your 'friends'' behaviour in such research.

[Cherriichan]

I think this is one of those situations where their feelings will get hurt. But really, friends don't isolate and exclude. I wouldn't want to be friends with people who made the people around us feel unwelcome. That no one else wants to hang out with your friends should tell you something, they're not worth all your consideration.You have the right to do what makes you happy, including choosing friends from wide social circles.

Your 'friends' don't have to right to bully and abuse you for spending time with others.

I don't know how to push them away and get some space, but I know they're going to get hurt and that is what upsets me the most. I should't, but I fret constantly over the burden I am to people and how I've done things to hurt them. I know what they're doing is essentially bullying, but I've been reluctant to accept it even though it's been staring me in the face the entire time. I don't know what to do with this.

[Cherriichan]

I have said this before, but your 'friends' sound like abusive bullies. I can understand that you care for their feelings and do not wish to hurt them, but it really sounds like they are going to be hurt no matter what you do -- unless you follow their wants and such exactly, but that is very controlling an toxic and not healthy for you, as you have surmised.

Not to sound over dramatic here, but the signs of abusive relationships apply to friendships just as much as romantic or familial ones. What you often write of these 'friends' of yours tends to set off many of my red flags for such behaviour. If they continue to keep your esteem low, manipulate you, and isolate you from others, then perhaps you will never leave them you know? Classic abusive tactics.

I commend you for trying to establish healthier connections. You may have to resort to more drastic measures to keep these toxic 'friends' out of your life, because I highly doubt they will go quietly or easily. I mean, removing or blocking them from Facebook, you phone, etc. and report any bullying if they resort to such tactics. You can and maybe should also discuss this with your tdoc.

You might find use in learning about abusive behaviours and relationships, because I am certain you will recognise your 'friends'' behaviour in such research.

Thank-you for the suggestions on researching about abusive relationships and behaviours; I have actually just started to research it now and what's alarming to me is the behaviour they are showing towards me ticks all the boxes for abusive relationships and behaviour. I can't stay in any type of friendship with these people any more; I will be mentioning this to my tdoc and seeing what she suggests, because I just don't know what to do. Socialising with other people is so much nicer, and it's like a huge weight and the pressure of the friendship is lifted. I will be finding new people to hang out with after the half term, and I feel relieved for it. I can't handle the relationship I have with those overprotective friends anymore.