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i'm jessica and i'm 21

my crazy started when i was 14. i had a lot of academic work and therefore got 4-6 hours of sleep a night. i wasn't terribly depressed but i did think about suicide a lot because it would be a way to rest and not have to do my homework. i was very burnt out and exhausted and kind of conceptualized dying as sleeping for an extended period of time. of course i couldn't actually sleep because i always had stuff to do. also work became my life and i was like "what is the purpose of living if all there is is work"

i managed to survive high school and went to college two years later. at 16 i lacked a sense of perspective and was really not mature enough to handle college life. i hadn't had friends before college, so social relationships in college became overwhelming and distracted me from work. combined with sleep deprivation and burnout from high school, i became unable to work at all, and this made me want to kill myself. eventually i attempted suicide twice and got put on medical leave

when i got home i wasn't diagnosed with anything or put on any medication. by the time my parents figured out that i should be seeing a therapist, i had already spontaneously recovered. that was a good year for me. i met some good friends through the internet and learned a lot about how people worked.

eventually i went back to school. more social drama happened, i started being distracted from work, and then i started freaking out and being scared that what happened before was going to happen again. of course that became a self-fulfilling prophecy and i was kicked out of school again.

i spent the next year being quite depressed and taking various different types of medication. eventually my problems came to a head and i was sent to a DBT treatment program for three months, where they said i had depression with traits of borderline personality disorder. it pretty much saved my life and my career because (a) they put me on risperdal, which is the only thing that has worked for me (b) they taught me that as a weak human what i think does not usually reflect reality © i decided then and there not to kill myself

now i have been back in school for two years and will be applying for grad school next year. i was very happy last year but lately i have been getting progressively more lonely. my mood swings have also gotten worse and lately i have been thinking about killing myself, even though i know i shouldn't. it is pretty scary but now i think i have the maturity and perspective to get through this

that is my introduction and my story. thanks for reading

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