some background. I grew up poor and most of my memories are from the housing crash of 2008. So i grew up eating meager meals in a crappy neighborhood and wearing clothes until they wore out. After the housing crisis and i was in middleschool my parents got divorced and i lived with my mom. We were even more poor, so much so that we couldnt pay utilities sometimes. My dad was so poor that he was homeless for a year and lived with a friend for another year before he got a duplex apartment. Now my mom is married to a rich man with a rich mom and a rich family and im living in a nice middle class house with a middle class zip code. so why do i feel so guilty whenever i get something from my mom or when she buys me things i need? I went school clothes shopping yesterday and i was filled with gut wrenching guilt every time i would look at the prices for my clothes. when my mom said she spent 400 dollars in all for me and my siblings it made me feel even worse. nothing was really expensive by any means but any dollar spent on me makes me feel like im terrible and vain and shouldnt need anything. Even though thats not true. Ive been walking around with one pair of jeans and sneakers with holes in them because im too scared to ask for new ones. it really sucks because my parents are really understanding and great. dose anyone else who grew up poor feel this way? just asking to make sure im not crazy//
My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection.
His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior).
I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases.
But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going.
Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt.
I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him.
I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me.
Feedback, love, and support would be great.
My son is 4 months old now. He is overcoming colic, struggles with acid reflux, and is constantly wanting to be held every waking moment. He fights when eating, sleeps well though, and is way ahead in his development. He is quite the handful and while I should be proud of his early accomplishments, I'm too busy feeling distressed over his high demands.
Being out and about helps my depression, it eases the sleepiness, and the down feelings. I feel energetic and accomplished as well as more lively. I love outdoor activities, but had to stop at 8 months pregnant (was vigorously still hiking up to this point) and have done none of it since. At 4 months old, I rarely go out, and when I do it is very short trips. After an hour he screams like he is dying. He refuses to eat or sleep. I live 2 hours from the closest friend and family member. 8 hours away from the family I am closest to and haven't seen them in a year. I am going stir crazy/have cabin fever from being confined to home with such short trips. I find an hour long trip such a tease. I've been asking others what the hell should I do to resolve his behavior? I cannot go anywhere without a screaming baby. He does not let up no matter what I try to do. I went to try and visit friends, he cried the entire 8 hours we were there until we got home and then he crashed. I feel like I'm on house arrest! Anyway, I'm being told I'm selfish for taking him out for longer than an hour because it makes him miserable.
I feel guilty because rather than being happy with him, I'm so miserable because I cannot go anywhere without ridicule. I keep trying to get ideas, but I cannot afford a babysitter or daycare. We have no family near by so I'm told to suck it up and be on house arrest. Yet, I'm supposed to go see family in a month for the holidays, the family in another state that I am so close to. It's my grandparents. They aren't getting any younger and they stepped in my dad's position when he turned his back to me. So I feel devastated. I'm not mad at anyone over it, but I feel guilty for being upset and still trying to make him get used to getting out more. It is seeming to have the reverse effect. I am constantly miserable because of this.
By sleepy borderline
She lets him utilize her- one two three times. As if she was a simple house appliance,
a towel to wipe himself on, perhaps,
Anticipating the frame of him crushes her weakness like a bug.
He has delayed all of her judgments,
like a stopwatch time now moves slowly
He has sucked up the last of her bitter tears like a
mosquito sucking blood from a man on the verge of death.
He thinks of her only a dark, wet hovel, empty and not
so much of anything pretty. Like something you would find in the street,
the gutter, or dirty, in the ground, in the woods.
She pretends to have fun, like an actress. Only she wins no love for her performances, no.
He is full of ' it' too, she cynically believes
his act is as hopeless as a sweaty salesman's and twice as sleazy
One silent harmony does occur within the night though
like a despondent song between the willingly mute.
and hence how desperate they were was the only common land
they failed to see they stood on together