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Today has been a very... interesting day.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my previous dissociative, depersonalization and derealization episodes. Last night, I was doing some research on DID and came upon the fact that different alters can have different handwriting. This shocked me to my core. This is something I (we?) have been doing for a very long time. Drastic handwriting changes began happening when I was about 10, around the time of my first serious trauma.

I already knew of one person inside my head-- Doris, the persecutor. I know what she looks like, and I know what she sounds like (she talks to me in my head all day, in fact she gets angry when I talk about her, and is telling me to delete all of this and not post it). But this morning, I started going through my old journals--specifically from around 2002-2007. What I found made me sick to my stomach. I spoke of myself in the third person consistently, I even made note that I seemed to have two personalities (2002). Then I began to compare handwriting, and there are around 4-5 distinct types of handwriting, each very different than the other. I started to take notes on the (assumed) alters' personalities. They are all very different people with very different beliefs, drives, and interests.

I have identified 5 alters thus far (including Doris, the persecutor). Ida is a protector/defender and is always angry. She is very strong and tends to come to the front when I am arguing or very mad about something (I do not deal well with anger). She is the most active. Julie is excessively hypersexual, angry, and well-versed in both writing and reading poetry (I wish I could write the way Julie writes all the time). I believe she was out front (on and off) from August - November 2005, and then seemingly present for all of 2006. I believe she first came out around 2003. Unknown #1 is cruel, masochistic, and prone to self-harm. She has written extensively about hurting me, and refers to me as if I am another person. She never writes "I", she only writes "she" and "her". Unknown #2 seems to be my "inner child": severely depressed, frightened, lonely, and suicidal.

In 2003, I remembered sexual trauma that had happened 2 years before. I had completely forgotten it had happened. And let me be clear: it did really happen, as I have confirmed with both my parents and the actual perpetrator that it did. In that journal entry, Ida is writing. It makes sense, I suppose, as she is my protector. Any time my heart was broken, someone made me mad, someone said something terrible to me... Ida wrote. Not me.

I've had issues with dissociation and derealization for as long as I can remember. I also "space out" at least 10 times a day: I stare into space, thinking about nothing. I am never aware that I'm doing it. This can last from 10 seconds to several minutes. My partner can try to snap me out of it--sometimes it works, sometimes I have to "come to" on my own. I guess you could call these trances, because that's what they feel like. (Small note: These are not seizures. I am on a medication for my mood swings that doubles as an anti-epileptic). However, I don't "lose time'. I do have regular nightmares, and had very severe night terrors as a child. I still get them occasionally, but they are few and far between. Concentration is not a word in my vocabulary. I am extremely forgetful and misplace things often (for instance, this morning I found a box of frozen tacos in the cupboard, and I have no idea who did it. My partner says he did not, so I assume it was me, or one of me.)

I guess I just wanted to share this, as it's scaring the damn shit out of me. Does anyone have any advice to add, or does anyone have any similar experiences?

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Aaagggghhhhh, concentration! Long topic posts! This is why I like point form and pictures.

I haven't gone through my journals in about ten years, partly because I'm scared to see what I'd find. I'm sorry that you're scared. I don't think that it's a bad thing to know (or to want to know) what's going on, though. Always remember that regardless of what happens you're still you and you still have a roster of characteristics and experiences that make up who you are and how you see and interact with the world. You won't disappear even if someone else comes along :)

Lost time is a funny thing. I never notice when it's going, but I notice it afterward only because I try to, when people point out "we had a conversation about that" [we did?] or I guess you'd call it trance-time or space-out time. Otherwise, no, I don't think that I'd notice it. Because it's lost. Sort of like we never notice a lost hat or scarf or sweater until its absence is called out.

Also, I think that your title is pretty funny.

I might come back to this.

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I love your title. Every time something goes wrong when my alter jessie is out he says- "Houston we have a problem" and my children all know that when their mom says that that life is going to be interesting.

My hand writing changes a lot so much so that it is a concern when I write checks or sign other legal documents.

I am a poly-fragment and life has been really crazy for me. I have good kids that have always been okay with their mom being so many different people.

How safe is this forum?

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