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I hate this part

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I am a female, nearly 50, live alone, and have all the usual crap that goes with that (except I LOVE living alone). I love dogs and books and history and trying to live my life invisibly as possible. Lifetime of depression, possible BPD but have rejected the dx when it was suggested. GAD and SAD that keep me home, agoraphobic and hiding (even pictures/video can trigger; all of my windows are covered!), suicide ideation w/1 attempt, autistic spectrum that manifests itself mostly in social failure, PTSD from multiple events. Diabetic neuropathy and GERD.

I think with all these issues that it's the best thing for me that I am alone 95% of the time. It's how I can stay calm and in control. I have recently requested a LOA from my nightmare of a job (customer service for a huge HVAC repair company; everyone calls yelling!) because I have a panic attack every time I try to leave for work ever since hot weather started. I am on FMLA and am about to request payment on my short term disability insurance through work. I pray I get it. I am very scared to think what will happen to me if I don't.

I have always felt ashamed of my mental issues and have tried to hide them. I am also scared to let someone know how bad they are for fear of being committed by force. I spent a week in a hospital after my suicide attempt and it was like being in jail, and there was no treating my issues, just medication that turned me into a zombie. My idea of treatment is being left alone and never having to leave the house. There should be acres of little tiny houses for us, separated by big hedges and fences, and our groceries left on our doorsteps, and no one ever, ever knocks on the door or calls. I have heard of something called adrenal fatigue, but I wonder more about those receptors just being burned out into a permanent "on alert" position, and I honestly think that after a few decades of anxiety and panic, my brain is permanently messed up.

I have no family or friends except my best/boy friend, and he has similar issues with the SAD and GAD and depression. He's here for a few hours twice a week and that's all either of us can handle.

I guess this is long. Oh well. Thanks for being here.


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