Frolic Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 As if trying to come to terms with my abusive childhood- both at home and in school- isn't enough... I've recently learned that for years during my treatment, my doctors and family have thought I was 'making it all up'. That I 'just needed to grow up'. I understand that some symptoms can be excused by immaturity, but their main argument was always "But you're so smart." My family and school didn't follow through on having my classified (despite recommendations from the school sanctioned psychologist) because I was 'so smart'. I was suppose to have an aide in school due to frequent temper outbursts - some of which were violent- brought on by severe harassment and bullying as well as feeling entirely uncomfortable in the classroom, but that never happened. A lot of things that were suppose to happen with school never did. My school system largely failed me, despite the huge amount of effort I put in. I dropped out last year and promptly got my GED. As recently as my first-ever hospitalization in December my parents were in a family-meeting saying how everything I do is for 'attention'. Every. Fiber. Of. My. Being. Honestly, I've heard and seen kids who do things for negative attention, and my situation goes far beyond that. My SI was discovered in 7th grade by a school counselor, who made me call my parents and tell them. I sat there crying in her office because of the immense fear my parents would hate me and punish me because of it. I don't think that was for attention. My crippling anxiety that usually has me staying at home in my bedroom by myself? Definitely for attention. My rapid mood swings that leave my life in shambles? Surely that's for attention. I'm sorry, but when something is literally ruining a person's life, I'm fairly certain that in 99% of cases they are NOT doing it for attention. It's only been the last six months - since I've legally become an adult- that it seems I'm being taken even remotely seriously by mental health professionals. I'm finally being given more than one (ineffective) medication at a time. I'm not being forced to stay on the same (ineffective) medication for years on end. My pdoc is willing to work with me. My therapist didn't seem to be brushing me off. And then what happens? My therapist decides to leave the office. And as much as I'm trying not to take it personally, I can't help but feel dumped and given up on. After a good 4-5months of seeing him. We were just getting started- just getting to the 'root' of my problems. And now I have to start all over again. See someone new and unfamiliar. Retell the same painful things. And hope we get along and connect alright. Because I don't know what I'll do if I don't mesh with this therapist. People suck. Life sucks. I don't know why I didn't just give up long ago. (Don't read me wrong, I'm not feeling suicidal, just frustrated.) What's also been bothering me... is that I've been looking forward to working so I could get tattooed with some of my money. However my dad is now saying he'll kick me out if I do get tattooed. Bear in mind, I've done a lot of self-expression - hair every color of the rainbow at some point or another- I have a few piercings.... But tattoos are deeper than that to me. They're both a reward for not self-harming in so long, and a preventative measure. I know that no matter how desperate I am, I won't scar up my beautiful expensive artwork. It's sort of like the butterfly technique (draw a butterfly on yourself, if you cut across it, you kill the butterfly) just a little more permanent, with a higher consequence. It seems silly I guess, but for me it tends to work. Maybe if I explain this to him he'll start to understand. Maybe it's not worth revealing so much of myself to a man like him. I don't know. Sorry, this is long and rambly, but I had to get it out. Any feedback? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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