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Trying To Get A Grip


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As if trying to come to terms with my abusive childhood- both at home and in school- isn't enough...

I've recently learned that for years during my treatment, my doctors and family have thought I was 'making it all up'. That I 'just needed to grow up'. I understand that some symptoms can be excused by immaturity, but their main argument was always "But you're so smart."

My family and school didn't follow through on having my classified (despite recommendations from the school sanctioned psychologist) because I was 'so smart'. I was suppose to have an aide in school due to frequent temper outbursts - some of which were violent- brought on by severe harassment and bullying as well as feeling entirely uncomfortable in the classroom, but that never happened. A lot of things that were suppose to happen with school never did. My school system largely failed me, despite the huge amount of effort I put in. I dropped out last year and promptly got my GED.

As recently as my first-ever hospitalization in December my parents were in a family-meeting saying how everything I do is for 'attention'. Every. Fiber. Of. My. Being. Honestly, I've heard and seen kids who do things for negative attention, and my situation goes far beyond that.

My SI was discovered in 7th grade by a school counselor, who made me call my parents and tell them. I sat there crying in her office because of the immense fear my parents would hate me and punish me because of it. I don't think that was for attention. My crippling anxiety that usually has me staying at home in my bedroom by myself? Definitely for attention. My rapid mood swings that leave my life in shambles? Surely that's for attention. I'm sorry, but when something is literally ruining a person's life, I'm fairly certain that in 99% of cases they are NOT doing it for attention.

It's only been the last six months - since I've legally become an adult- that it seems I'm being taken even remotely seriously by mental health professionals. I'm finally being given more than one (ineffective) medication at a time. I'm not being forced to stay on the same (ineffective) medication for years on end. My pdoc is willing to work with me. My therapist didn't seem to be brushing me off.

And then what happens? My therapist decides to leave the office. And as much as I'm trying not to take it personally, I can't help but feel dumped and given up on. After a good 4-5months of seeing him. We were just getting started- just getting to the 'root' of my problems. And now I have to start all over again. See someone new and unfamiliar. Retell the same painful things. And hope we get along and connect alright. Because I don't know what I'll do if I don't mesh with this therapist.

People suck. Life sucks. I don't know why I didn't just give up long ago. (Don't read me wrong, I'm not feeling suicidal, just frustrated.)

What's also been bothering me... is that I've been looking forward to working so I could get tattooed with some of my money. However my dad is now saying he'll kick me out if I do get tattooed. Bear in mind, I've done a lot of self-expression - hair every color of the rainbow at some point or another- I have a few piercings.... But tattoos are deeper than that to me. They're both a reward for not self-harming in so long, and a preventative measure. I know that no matter how desperate I am, I won't scar up my beautiful expensive artwork. It's sort of like the butterfly technique (draw a butterfly on yourself, if you cut across it, you kill the butterfly) just a little more permanent, with a higher consequence. It seems silly I guess, but for me it tends to work. Maybe if I explain this to him he'll start to understand. Maybe it's not worth revealing so much of myself to a man like him. I don't know.

Sorry, this is long and rambly, but I had to get it out. Any feedback?

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If you live at home, you will have to abide by your parents' rules. And if they forbid getting a tattoo, sure you could go off and sneak one on your own, but what will that solve? If you want a tattoo, you have the rest of your life to get one. They should not be impulsive purchases just to reward good behavior.

I have two tattoos that I thought about getting years before I actually did it at 32. And I'm glad I waited, because I know I will be proud of what I chose for forever.

Your therapist can't be expected to stay at a work place she doesn't want to simply because you are feeling comfortable with her. You can follow her to her new employment (if financially possible) or ask for her recommendation for a new therapist. Tdocs recommend tdocs that are close to their treatment style, so you should be confident in her recommendation.

It can take years to get over the traumas that occur in school. I urge you to talk it out with your therapist.

It's hard when your family thinks you are doing things for attention. But perhaps they simply haven't been properly educated on the nature of your illness. Have you thought about taking them in to your pdoc or tdocs office and having your dr go over the exact nature of your illness and give your family the chance to ask questions? That might help you.

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I won't be going behind their back to get tattooed, that's for sure. They would be bound to discover it at some point or another, and I can't exactly afford to move out. It would just be nice if I could change their opinion. It's mostly my father.

Yeah, I know I can't expect him to have stayed, but the only recommendations he made were the other two tdocs in the office that accept my insurance, saying they were both good therapists. I ended up choosing the one I could get an appointment with sooner, and I'll still will have gone a bit over a month without seeing one. Could be worse I suppose.

I'm trying to cut them some slack, but they should know better. My mother has Schizoaffective (bipolar type). My dad's been hospitalized for depression and anxiety... They should know better. I'm genetically predisposed to have something "wrong" with me, and considering my history,it makes it all the more likely. Up until I turned 18 they were highly involved in my treatment. A big part of why they feel the way they do is because a Pdoc I saw for three years was convinced there was nothing wrong with me. (I have a friend who's her patient, and we're constantly exchanging stories of her ineptitude.) But in our area, there just simply isn't anything better for juveniles. She kept me on Prozac for three years. Even though there wasn't a single day it worked, and by the end at the highest dosage, I was becoming more and more impulsive.

I don't really think bringing them to my tdoc or pdoc would be useful, until I've had more time to be diagnosed. I've only been seeing this pdoc for around five months, and haven't seen my new therapist yet. So maybe in time. Thank you for the suggestion though, I hadn't really thought to do that.

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