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Psychedelic_Chick

Declining Offers

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Hi,

Ive been in my relationship for nearly a year now. My bf knows about my MH problems and although he tries to understand and tries to accomadate me, he doesnt understand, and i think he is becomeing a lil bit fustrated with me...

The way my family is: we dont really speak to each other and we are free to do what we want, when we want.

The way his family is: they are close and there is alot of communication between each of them. They go out for drinks together and have the whole socializing thing in order.

Well, i have a dis-order. My social anxiety and erythrophobia (fear of blushing) make being in his house a NIGHTMARE. When im there, i hide away in his room with him. We were offered by his parents, did we want to go to the pub for a pint the other day. He told them he would check with me, and i said "no". I told him i would love to, but, that is a situation where i am confined and will begin to majorly panic..so-much-so that they would see me in a state and i dont want that embassasment. So, he told them "no" - once again...

He told me that soon they are going to start asking questions to what is up with me? Why do we keep on declining offers they give us?

I dont know how to handle these offers anymore....

I know that one day i am going to have to suffer so much shame with socializing in their company. Its just sad to live like this...

I dont know how to change the way things are....coz this is the way it is...

Sad init?!

We/I am a social being and i am not being social....

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There are therapies and medications that can help with anxiety and phobia. I have social anxiety and it can be draining for me to go out, but I'm much better. I know you don't want to try more medication so you may want to start with cbt. Could you go separately to events so you could leave early if you are too anxious?

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If they have a favorite pub they frequent, you could try going there with your bf in off hours to get the lay of the land and also become familiar with the place so when you do go with his family, you aren't dealing with the strangeness of a new place as well as the anxiety of a lot of people. You can also explore and familiarize yourself with the exits so if you do need to escape, you know exactly how and where you can do so.

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Confused, i really really have tried all the options out there - including CBT. I am not against meds, i just dont think anything will improve if i take them, but, i am becomeing desperate and i cant live my life on Xanax....or can i?!

I do say to people that if my anxiety was just to be on the inside, then there would be no stopping me. However, due to erythrophobia, its much much different for me. I dont expect you nor anyone to understand. Erythrophobia, as far as im aware is not so heard of and for that reason, i feel so alone with it, without understanding. I live, to only be met by humiliation. Humiliation i would much rather avoid...but i am doing my best...its just fustrating that i cant do things i would like to do...

I have come a loooong way with my anxiety. I went through a period of agroaphobia and have built up my life from there...and am bloody well proud at what i have achieved though the suffering, yet, im still suffering...

CrankyMe, if i familiarise myself with the surroundings, exits etc. it would help alright. But it doesnt take away the fact my anxiety shows on the outside.

The only way that i could avoid that humiliation is to take a Xanax....but, i am consuming too much of them already...and even at that, erythrophobia can still rear its ugly head!

I'll force myself one day....i force myself everyday anyway... I just hate living like this...

btw, sorry if i sound like im just dis-ing all yous are saying to me, i just really am trapped...

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Guest Vapourware

Social Anxiety can be crippling - it can really confine your world. Have you tried exposure therapy? That can help with social anxiety. Just little steps outside your comfort zone to show that the situation you're anxious about isn't as catastrophic as it seems. One of the issues with anxiety is that it can make certain situations seem absolutely terrible, and part of effective therapy is to show that the situation is not that bad, and is manageable.

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If this is a serious relationship I would have boyfriend explain just enough so that they aren't offended and quit asking until you're ready.

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Social anxiety really sucks and its difficult to beat it. The technique that has helped me the most is exposure therapy. Slowly put yourself in social situations (you can take a xanax beforehand). I know this probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but it has worked for me.

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Hi,

Ive been in my relationship for nearly a year now. My bf knows about my MH problems and although he tries to understand and tries to accomadate me, he doesnt understand, and i think he is becomeing a lil bit fustrated with me...

The way my family is: we dont really speak to each other and we are free to do what we want, when we want.

The way his family is: they are close and there is alot of communication between each of them. They go out for drinks together and have the whole socializing thing in order.

Well, i have a dis-order. My social anxiety and erythrophobia (fear of blushing) make being in his house a NIGHTMARE. When im there, i hide away in his room with him. We were offered by his parents, did we want to go to the pub for a pint the other day. He told them he would check with me, and i said "no". I told him i would love to, but, that is a situation where i am confined and will begin to majorly panic..so-much-so that they would see me in a state and i dont want that embassasment. So, he told them "no" - once again...

He told me that soon they are going to start asking questions to what is up with me? Why do we keep on declining offers they give us?

I dont know how to handle these offers anymore....

I know that one day i am going to have to suffer so much shame with socializing in their company. Its just sad to live like this...

I dont know how to change the way things are....coz this is the way it is...

Sad init?!

We/I am a social being and i am not being social....

I absolutely recommend exposure therapy. In fact, from what you have posted in other topics it seems as if you are already well-versed in exposure therapy and self-soothing.

- i am in college, i volunteer, have a bf, go out at the weekends etc. I have 'a' life. I am very stressed out with all that i have to do on a weekly basis -

Today i woke up, felt like shit, but still went out to volunteer. I perked up,

Set a date with bf and family and do just what you do to get to college, to your volunteer positions, etc..

I can guarantee you that the majority of so called "normal" people suffer from stress and a reluctance to engage in activities; they go out and interact, at least partially, because it is expected of them.

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Hey, thanks for the replies...

Yeah, im very much out there in the big bad world! Its just, i take Xanax to do most things that i do. I just feel i cannot build up my life the way that i am; depending on Xanax for more and more situations....

...but, in all honesty, i feel its my only way...

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Wow, I can completely relate to what you are going through and I agree with the suggestions of exposure therapy. But it is all easier said than done, for sure.

There is something I do to help when my social phobia takes hold. Nothing incredibly profound but sometimes it does help me just enough to get through it.

First of all, I take every single step toward my goal of going out one at a time. I take a shower and tell myself that I am just taking a shower and that if I change my mind, I can always stay home. Then I dry my hair, do my makeup, get dressed all with the same caveat repeating in my head. For me, the feeling of committing makes me feel trapped and being trapped completely freaks me out. Recognizing and reminding myself that I am adult and I am in no way actually trapped takes some of the anxiety heat off, so to speak. Once I am in the car, I still tell myself that I am just going to drive there and see how it goes. If I can't do it, that is ok - at least I got as far as getting there... and so on. Usually once I get there, I feel better and it is never as bad as I imagined. Sometimes it is and I leave. Just remember to forgive yourself if you fail. The guilt is not productive!

I know how you feel about the xanax too but there is absolutely nothing wrong IMHO with using all the resources you have to help you do the things you want to do. That is what the medications are for. Only you can decide if you are taking it more often than you are comfortable with and if you are then maybe you add another resource, like the exposure therapy. Take those two in combo and you may very well find that you don't need the xanax as much. Just keep trying - keep adding to.

:)

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It's okay if people see your anxiety. I get full on tremors when I am anxious. My hands become useless. Rarely will anyone ask me about it, and if they do I just explain what's going on. It's a mix of anxiety and other medications causing it.

I used to have the same fear of blushing, really bad. Exposure therapy solved it.

Neat thing about exposure therapy, is it usually isn't more anxiety provoking than avoidance is... and if you continue with it, it gets much easier. You may even start to feel gutsy about all your other anxieties after a while and start to whittle those down too.

It's an avalache of awesomeness!!! =)

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